Venting Feeling confused and ashamed

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I often times feel so embarassed that I just want to bury myself in the ground and want to die. I feel pathetic, sad and confused. I feel embarrassed the moment I make a mistake - or a preceived mistake - perhaps I judge myself harshly. Another thing is that I have very having mood swings and can't control them very well. Oftentimes my head just hurts and I feel like I'm going mad. I don't know if I suffer from a mental illness or if that even matters or is appropriate to think of this in this case but my sensations can get pretty intense and I don't want to deal with any longer or want other people have to deal with me.

A part of me also thinks I'm not only doing myself a favour but also society as a whole by ending myself: my mother once told me that she was disappointed in me for certain failures in the past, yet when telling that I could stop being a burden on both her and no longer feel the suffering myself that's apparently wrong. I don't hate my mother, in fact she's the only person who really supports me but of course she doesn't think suicide is an option.

This all sucks and I'm only calm because I know that once I can live alone I'll be able to finally end myself. It's a plan. I don't even care at this point if I'd have to resort to rather painful or ineffective methods like cutting because I'm so desperate. I could kill myself even if it's very painful but I need a lot of time and nobody who would disturb me.