Discussion Feeling calm knowing you'll be gone soon?

[lovemelovemenot]

Anyone else get this feeling of calmness or bliss when they think of ctb?

Of course I'm scared, but I know once I go through with it the pain will be gone and I won't have to have this internal fight almost every second of my waking existence. When I think of ctb, it's like something aligns and it's the only time I feel at peace with my mind.

Sometimes it saddens me because I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could live a life I enjoy, and not hurt those around me. But I have to do something for myself for once. Time will pass and my story as well as those around me will just become a blip in the history of the entire universe.

And at the end of the day we're just some hyper-aware germs on a floating rock in space and none of it really matters. You can deicide to embrace that and live life to the fullest or take another meaning, but this is just how I see it.

 

[1234dave]

Anyone else get this feeling of calmness or bliss when they think of ctb?

Of course I'm scared, but I know once I go through with it the pain will be gone and I won't have to have this internal fight almost every second of my waking existence. When I think of ctb, it's like something aligns and it's the only time I feel at peace with my mind.

Sometimes it saddens me because I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could live a life I enjoy, and not hurt those around me. But I have to do something for myself for once. Time will pass and my story as well as those around me will just become a blip in the history of the entire universe.

And at the end of the day we're just some hyper-aware germs on a floating rock in space and none of it really matters. You can deicide to embrace that and live life to the fullest or take another meaning, but this is just how I see it.

Couldn't have had said it better myself. You speak wise words. What method have you chosen?

 

[Letmego. Please]

Calmness yes, after all everything that has preceded that moment has been hell, so yep calm is good, tends to mean you at peace with yourself & your decision, if you were still fighting it then it ain't time.

Sorry you have got to this point, I know it well now & it still makes me sad to know someone else is at the same place.

 

[Bagger]

Yeah, thinking about CTB makes me calm and bring peace. I'm in control, i can go whenever i want, no? End of stress, self pity and misery. Awesome! But closer it gets to final moment, the less calm and peace i have. Illogical survive at all cost instinct BS!

 

[Slate128]

Good on you for finding peace with it. You're wiser than most.

 

[MiserableBastard1995]

Everything becomes far simpler, far more unimportant, once you lose the intent to live much longer.

 

[TAW122]

I did experience calmness during the times where I decide to take certain risks, meaning that I tell myself "Ok, this is it, if things goes to plan or goes well, then I'll live and recover. But if it fails or goes awry in any way or reason, then I'll CTB." After telling myself that (as well as having the means to CTB), things did get easier temporarily for me, and my anxiety went down a bit because I know either way, I'll have a way out (death is a way out despite what the majority of society thinks).

 

[Vienrose]

Im scared but because I think I have to be lucid to do this, and in these day theres nothing lucid in me. Im like: "what if" "what if i cant do this because my mind stop to working?" I have to make a long trip too to do this thing and I have questions like: "what if they found me, what if they smell the charcoal" . Honestly Im scared that Im doing something wrong, like my method is co poisoning and I think: "what if this is too little charcoal" "what if my method is not right?" I cant think about any other method btw. "What if im going crazy inside the room?" "What if I stay awake too long?" "What if i dont die?" Like, actually i have so many thoughts about this that my options are: 1 is not going to work 2 im going to become crazy because this is not going to work 3 i become crazy before

 

[lovemelovemenot]

Couldn't have had said it better myself. You speak wise words. What method have you chosen?

I was planning to OD on bars, alcohol and heroin in a hotel with somone, but they've changed their mind and I've been reconsidering my options since coming here.

 

[Weems]

I've had a bit of a problem with this. Thinking of CTB was a source of comfort for a long time--when I wasn't serious about it. Now that "it's real" it's considerably scarier. Oops! Didn't expect it to go like that! Maybe I should have taken life seriously ten, fifteen years ago and done the work to become a functioning adult.

 

[jlshghr]

I had the same experience. Whenever I felt sure about CTB I felt at peace and also calm. However, whenever I actually tried CTB I felt no sense of calm and only panic.

 

[barny]

I would be if I had the stuff!