Discussion Feeling better feels worse?

[Fadeawaaaay]

Was feeling better spending time with family. Lost my desire to CTB. Which sucks. Because my problems are still overwhelming.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

I felt worse spending time with family. All I could think about was ctb. Maybe there's a bit of hope for you

 

[layne2001]

I understand. When I feel good or barely normal I get uncomfortable lol

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I felt worse spending time with family. All I could think about was ctb. Maybe there's a bit of hope for you

No hope. Just realizing all the wrong turns I made and now I'm fucked. I was a fool. While others were launching lives and families and careers in their 20s and 30s I couldn't get my shit tigether. Now it's too late. Way too late. I'd like to live. But not like this.

 

[stellabelle]

Was feeling better spending time with family. Lost my desire to CTB. Which sucks. Because my problems are still overwhelming.

I can understand that.

For me, feeling "better" feels worse because it always seems to come to a screeching halt and history seemingly repeats itself.

Oh, are you happy? How can I ruin it?

We fear even trying anymore.

People are sadistic and cruel. People are selfish. Family members, peers, whoever just decides to be that way.

Now I feel cruel because I'm "in a better place" but I don't forgive or forget the shit that's occurred.

I envy people who have had normal lives, without struggling to be seen, acknowledged, respected, validated, assisted without harassment, without cruelty, without ignorance.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I can understand that.

For me, feeling "better" feels worse because it always seems to come to a screeching halt and history seemingly repeats itself.

Oh, are you happy? How can I ruin it?

We fear even trying anymore.

People are sadistic and cruel. People are selfish. Family members, peers, whoever just decides to be that way.

Now I feel cruel because I'm "in a better place" but I don't forgive or forget the shit that's occurred.

I envy people who have had normal lives, without struggling to be seen, acknowledged, respected, validated, assisted without harassment, without cruelty, without ignorance.

Yeah, today I just wished I had a normal life. Family house wife kids dog. I'm way too old for this shit. None of the above.

 

[stellabelle]

Yeah, today I just wished I had a normal life. Family house wife kids dog. I'm way too old for this shit. None of the above.

Well, some people have that and some people don't. Things are not always as they seem or "cookie-cutter" perfect lives.

There are people that have that "normal" existence and happiness, and there are people that "dream" of it, there are people that seek to "demolish it", and we wonder about why.

How, why?

No hope. Just realizing all the wrong turns I made and now I'm fucked. I was a fool. While others were launching lives and families and careers in their 20s and 30s I couldn't get my shit tigether. Now it's too late. Way too late. I'd like to live. But not like this.

I can 100% say the same.

Shit. It was the bad upbringing, the shitty early 20s, not 30 yet and still incredibly depressed and sickened by the entire existence itself.

 

[...]

it's because it never lasts is why it is worse to temporarily feel better. it's like a comedown from drugs. when have a couple of decent hours u almost forget about everything but then when u feel shit again everything floods back.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is understandable how you feel. When things in life are hopeless, wanting ctb can feel right as it is the one way to end all the pain and the suffering. When that need to ctb goes away I can imagine that being such an empty or even painful feeling as it does not take away your problems. I am glad I always want to ctb, as I think hope can just lead to more suffering. It can be painful to have hope and then lose it.