Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Physical health issues have a bigger impact on mental health than I realize. Whole day I was so low energy, down, couldn't eat, was nauseous....
Then suddenly (other people with POTS have talked about this phenomenon) at night I'll feel better physically and it def helps the mental...
Just ate finally and feel a little sense of peace. Not sure why. Maybe not peace but actually less brain fog??
It's super amnoying and tbh feeling a lil better just makes me wanna CTB even more. Being sick all day only to feel better at night makes life so shit in ways.
Like I just especially as of late been feeling like I can't plan anything bc my physical health is so fucking erratic & unpredictable. The aspects of living with chronic health issues is something I've been coming to terms with but this fear of trying anything & not being able... is very heavy. I haven't been able to be consistent or committed to much of anything in yrs and if I do it doesn't last...
Sooo yeah.. I'm glad I don't feel like complete fucking shit anymore but ughhhh I didn't realize how dsyregulating physical health issues are.
I just... am angry at having so many conditions impacting so many things like all of them impacting emotional regulation...
It MIGHT be worth it to keep attempting to get more treatment and supports BUT I don't even feel like it's even sustainable financially.
CPTSD alone needs consistent, long term treatment... and even then treatment in and of itself just like can make things worse. Same with meds and such.
Also tbh I might've been sick bc of a health issue flare up due to physical exertion.... and nothing like working out or even walking much.. just by standing & like cleaning. Ugh I really dunno if I can stand to watch my body continue to deteriorate like this... be at such a low level if functioning. I don't wanna continue to be limited and constantly hearing people living. It's soo depressing after a certain point and im just experiencing jealously now.
I can't even work out or do yoga anymore.
the body connection/being in my body can be weird due to the trauma so physical activity/excerise was uncomfortable in ways but I was willing to try...
I guess I'll check my options for healthcare/get to all diagnosis. Might as well apply for MAID. Would be a wait but if ik im waiting to die in such a way thay would make it a bit easier to deal with...
I think that's my plan for rn. Deal with health issues as much as I can maybe.... and apply for MAID. Gotta check again but I swear it said smthin about having to wait 9 months after approval if ur illness isn't something that's gonna kill u anytime soon.
Gotta be honest... I don't wanna be here for that long that's basically another yr but alas. Through MAID I do not need to worry about my own brain or survival instincts getting in the way & might lessen the blow for my loved ones.
Which is kinda upsetting bc just bc the government decides I'm allowed to die but if I do it... it's like almost this view of not trying everything and giving up. I'm sure I'll still have dumbass views like that with MAID but still. It's interesting how people think certain folks are just crazy and others have a right to die...
Anyway depending on the tests & such for MAID.. if necessary I will take it into my own hands. Im gonna start with SN. cheaper & I'm familiar with drug testing. If I cant do that then nitrogen. So im still planning to buy SN. Gonna call MAID today or tmrw.
I can't explain how awful I felt like it wasn't just mental
but it was impacting the mental severely....
how is doing some basic cleaning over exerting myself!? Ugh...
Yeah I've def given up on a lot of my dreams. I dunno what I can do anymore and it just leaves me... existing. I don't like bars or anything but been craving those kinda social events lately just bc I physically know I cant.
Im kinda stuck inside rn due to summer, no wheelchair yet(that funding might take up to 6 montns or smthin could be shorter tho). So unless I spend money I don't have on Ubers it's a dud.
This is not the life I want. I knew I'd be struggling with trauma for a long time but all this... other physical stuff is too much.
I wouldn't mind doing a lil bucket list thingy then dying. I dunno what tho bc all I can think of is traveling to another country & I can't afford that. So eh.
I'm a horrible person for saying this or maybe not but I hope my breast cysts are cancerous... just needa get that ultrasound done.
I wish I could die naturally/have a terminal disease and get MAID asap. Im tired of all this fr...
Body is kinda uncomfortable/ POTS adrenaline surges but hoping to freaking sleep soon...
Might just sleep all day tmrw.
Like I can be hungry but eating is impossible...
I was definitely in a flare-up for the majority of this week.
I have to do less/learn to pace myself? I dunno
But I gotta be honest... the thought of tryna manage all these health issues while having health issues that fuck with my executive function... does not sound enticing.
Like it's very nice to not be in a flare-up rn and to feel better but this very alludes to my future.
My future could be ok enough if health is managed butttt... I used to be a person to try it all before quitting but it wears me down.
I'm going to confidently & comfortably give up.
Gonna plan my day tbh. Im gonna spend the next month or less just... planning, relaxing, creative indulgence.... I think I'm at a place where it's possible. The emotional flashback type of state is no longer the majority.
So im very tired and very ready/wanting to sleep all day, distract, try some creative stuff. Maybe I can balance life & death at least enough to carry me to the end.
It's irritating like having energy & wellness at night but I'm settling down rn.
Then suddenly (other people with POTS have talked about this phenomenon) at night I'll feel better physically and it def helps the mental...
Just ate finally and feel a little sense of peace. Not sure why. Maybe not peace but actually less brain fog??
It's super amnoying and tbh feeling a lil better just makes me wanna CTB even more. Being sick all day only to feel better at night makes life so shit in ways.
Like I just especially as of late been feeling like I can't plan anything bc my physical health is so fucking erratic & unpredictable. The aspects of living with chronic health issues is something I've been coming to terms with but this fear of trying anything & not being able... is very heavy. I haven't been able to be consistent or committed to much of anything in yrs and if I do it doesn't last...
Sooo yeah.. I'm glad I don't feel like complete fucking shit anymore but ughhhh I didn't realize how dsyregulating physical health issues are.
I just... am angry at having so many conditions impacting so many things like all of them impacting emotional regulation...
It MIGHT be worth it to keep attempting to get more treatment and supports BUT I don't even feel like it's even sustainable financially.
CPTSD alone needs consistent, long term treatment... and even then treatment in and of itself just like can make things worse. Same with meds and such.
Also tbh I might've been sick bc of a health issue flare up due to physical exertion.... and nothing like working out or even walking much.. just by standing & like cleaning. Ugh I really dunno if I can stand to watch my body continue to deteriorate like this... be at such a low level if functioning. I don't wanna continue to be limited and constantly hearing people living. It's soo depressing after a certain point and im just experiencing jealously now.
I can't even work out or do yoga anymore.
the body connection/being in my body can be weird due to the trauma so physical activity/excerise was uncomfortable in ways but I was willing to try... I guess I'll check my options for healthcare/get to all diagnosis. Might as well apply for MAID. Would be a wait but if ik im waiting to die in such a way thay would make it a bit easier to deal with...
I think that's my plan for rn. Deal with health issues as much as I can maybe.... and apply for MAID. Gotta check again but I swear it said smthin about having to wait 9 months after approval if ur illness isn't something that's gonna kill u anytime soon.
Gotta be honest... I don't wanna be here for that long that's basically another yr but alas. Through MAID I do not need to worry about my own brain or survival instincts getting in the way & might lessen the blow for my loved ones.
Which is kinda upsetting bc just bc the government decides I'm allowed to die but if I do it... it's like almost this view of not trying everything and giving up. I'm sure I'll still have dumbass views like that with MAID but still. It's interesting how people think certain folks are just crazy and others have a right to die...
Anyway depending on the tests & such for MAID.. if necessary I will take it into my own hands. Im gonna start with SN. cheaper & I'm familiar with drug testing. If I cant do that then nitrogen. So im still planning to buy SN. Gonna call MAID today or tmrw.
I can't explain how awful I felt like it wasn't just mental
but it was impacting the mental severely.... how is doing some basic cleaning over exerting myself!? Ugh...
Yeah I've def given up on a lot of my dreams. I dunno what I can do anymore and it just leaves me... existing. I don't like bars or anything but been craving those kinda social events lately just bc I physically know I cant.
Im kinda stuck inside rn due to summer, no wheelchair yet(that funding might take up to 6 montns or smthin could be shorter tho). So unless I spend money I don't have on Ubers it's a dud.
This is not the life I want. I knew I'd be struggling with trauma for a long time but all this... other physical stuff is too much.
I wouldn't mind doing a lil bucket list thingy then dying. I dunno what tho bc all I can think of is traveling to another country & I can't afford that. So eh.
I'm a horrible person for saying this or maybe not but I hope my breast cysts are cancerous... just needa get that ultrasound done.
I wish I could die naturally/have a terminal disease and get MAID asap. Im tired of all this fr...
Body is kinda uncomfortable/ POTS adrenaline surges but hoping to freaking sleep soon...
Might just sleep all day tmrw.
I ate a good amount of food. It's hard to explain how hard it is to eat when my body is just sick or whatever it is that happens....Physical health issues have a bigger impact on mental health than I realize. Whole day I was so low energy, down, couldn't eat, was nauseous....
Then suddenly (other people with POTS have talked about this phenomenon) at night I'll feel better physically and it def helps the mental...
Just ate finally and feel a little sense of peace. Not sure why. Maybe not peace but actually less brain fog??
It's super amnoying and tbh feeling a lil better just makes me wanna CTB even more. Being sick all day only to feel better at night makes life so shit in ways.
Like I just especially as of late been feeling like I can't plan anything bc my physical health is so fucking erratic & unpredictable. The aspects of living with chronic health issues is something I've been coming to terms with but this fear of trying anything & not being able... is very heavy. I haven't been able to be consistent or committed to much of anything in yrs and if I do it doesn't last...
Sooo yeah.. I'm glad I don't feel like complete fucking shit anymore but ughhhh I didn't realize how dsyregulating physical health issues are.
I just... am angry at having so many conditions impacting so many things like all of them impacting emotional regulation...
It MIGHT be worth it to keep attempting to get more treatment and supports BUT I don't even feel like it's even sustainable financially.
CPTSD alone needs consistent, long term treatment... and even then treatment in and of itself just like can make things worse. Same with meds and such.
Also tbh I might've been sick bc of a health issue flare up due to physical exertion.... and nothing like working out or even walking much.. just by standing & like cleaning. Ugh I really dunno if I can stand to watch my body continue to deteriorate like this... be at such a low level if functioning. I don't wanna continue to be limited and constantly hearing people living. It's soo depressing after a certain point and im just experiencing jealously now.
I can't even work out or do yoga anymore.
I guess I'll check my options for healthcare/get to all diagnosis. Might as well apply for MAID. Would be a wait but if ik im waiting to die in such a way thay would make it a bit easier to deal with...
I think that's my plan for rn. Deal with health issues as much as I can maybe.... and apply for MAID. Gotta check again but I swear it said smthin about having to wait 9 months after approval if ur illness isn't something that's gonna kill u anytime soon.
Gotta be honest... I don't wanna be here for that long that's basically another yr but alas. Through MAID I do not need to worry about my own brain or survival instincts getting in the way & might lessen the blow for my loved ones.
Which is kinda upsetting bc just bc the government decides I'm allowed to die but if I do it... it's like almost this view of not trying everything and giving up. I'm sure I'll still have dumbass views like that with MAID but still. It's interesting how people think certain folks are just crazy and others have a right to die...
Anyway depending on the tests & such for MAID.. if necessary I will take it into my own hands. Im gonna start with SN. cheaper & I'm familiar with drug testing. If I cant do that then nitrogen. So im still planning to buy SN. Gonna call MAID today or tmrw.
I can't explain how awful I felt like it wasn't just mental
how is doing some basic cleaning over exerting myself!? Ugh...
Yeah I've def given up on a lot of my dreams. I dunno what I can do anymore and it just leaves me... existing. I don't like bars or anything but been craving those kinda social events lately just bc I physically know I cant.
Im kinda stuck inside rn due to summer, no wheelchair yet(that funding might take up to 6 montns or smthin could be shorter tho). So unless I spend money I don't have on Ubers it's a dud.
This is not the life I want. I knew I'd be struggling with trauma for a long time but all this... other physical stuff is too much.
I wouldn't mind doing a lil bucket list thingy then dying. I dunno what tho bc all I can think of is traveling to another country & I can't afford that. So eh.
I'm a horrible person for saying this or maybe not but I hope my breast cysts are cancerous... just needa get that ultrasound done.
I wish I could die naturally/have a terminal disease and get MAID asap. Im tired of all this fr...
Body is kinda uncomfortable/ POTS adrenaline surges but hoping to freaking sleep soon...
Might just sleep all day tmrw.
Like I can be hungry but eating is impossible...
I was definitely in a flare-up for the majority of this week.
I have to do less/learn to pace myself? I dunno
But I gotta be honest... the thought of tryna manage all these health issues while having health issues that fuck with my executive function... does not sound enticing.
Like it's very nice to not be in a flare-up rn and to feel better but this very alludes to my future.
My future could be ok enough if health is managed butttt... I used to be a person to try it all before quitting but it wears me down.
I'm going to confidently & comfortably give up.
Gonna plan my day tbh. Im gonna spend the next month or less just... planning, relaxing, creative indulgence.... I think I'm at a place where it's possible. The emotional flashback type of state is no longer the majority.
So im very tired and very ready/wanting to sleep all day, distract, try some creative stuff. Maybe I can balance life & death at least enough to carry me to the end.
It's irritating like having energy & wellness at night but I'm settling down rn.
Last edited:
