Venting feeling alone.

[shinitai_sh0jo]

It's not a really new thing. I've been feeling alone for a long time, now.

I thought that, if I managed to get along with my family again, if I found company by them, things could change.
If I found someone that could listen to me, things might've gone better.
I allowed myself to get into the illusion that, if I managed to stay alive for a more couple of years and things got better, I wouldn't need to die.

I was really wrong.

Because even though my surroundings change, people may change for a bit... I don't change. The way my stupid brain works won't change. And though I have someone close to me who "understands my struggles", she's not the best person to listen to me. I can't tell rather I'm making up my problems or not, if all the struggles I feel like I'm going for are a big deal or not, if I'm really making it all up or it''s even real.

I've heard that my body would be only useful as a sexual toy, but I don't even believe that I'd be able to attract anyone.
I continue to see the years passing by, and I only feel more and more tired.
I can't talk about anything because if I do, I'm a selfish bitch who only cares about themselves---plus, how can I even ask for help if I don't know what people can do to help me?? I'm tired of feeling like I'm a burden to everyone around me just because I don't want to feel these things any longer! I'm tired from not being able to feel happy with my own self, when everyone around me looks like thei're only happy when they got a partner!
And if I can never communicate properly or even find someone willing to want to... why do I have to keep trying?

Why do I have to keep myself alive just for the sake of others, when I'll just die alone, anyway?
I also don't want to depend on my therapist forever. I feel like I wish to die while I still can feel any kind of happiness...

Is the thought even valid?
I'm really tired of feeling alone like this. I'm so fucking tired.

 

[gingerhoneysoul]

Your thoughts are valid. I too feel absolutely drained and tired. Being hopeful and trying to manage living a "good life" has been exhausting and I just want it to all end.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

It's not a really new thing. I've been feeling alone for a long time, now.

I thought that, if I managed to get along with my family again, if I found company by them, things could change.
If I found someone that could listen to me, things might've gone better.
I allowed myself to get into the illusion that, if I managed to stay alive for a more couple of years and things got better, I wouldn't need to die.

I was really wrong.

Because even though my surroundings change, people may change for a bit... I don't change. The way my stupid brain works won't change. And though I have someone close to me who "understands my struggles", she's not the best person to listen to me. I can't tell rather I'm making up my problems or not, if all the struggles I feel like I'm going for are a big deal or not, if I'm really making it all up or it''s even real.

I've heard that my body would be only useful as a sexual toy, but I don't even believe that I'd be able to attract anyone.
I continue to see the years passing by, and I only feel more and more tired.
I can't talk about anything because if I do, I'm a selfish bitch who only cares about themselves---plus, how can I even ask for help if I don't know what people can do to help me?? I'm tired of feeling like I'm a burden to everyone around me just because I don't want to feel these things any longer! I'm tired from not being able to feel happy with my own self, when everyone around me looks like thei're only happy when they got a partner!
And if I can never communicate properly or even find someone willing to want to... why do I have to keep trying?

Why do I have to keep myself alive just for the sake of others, when I'll just die alone, anyway?
I also don't want to depend on my therapist forever. I feel like I wish to die while I still can feel any kind of happiness...

Is the thought even valid?
I'm really tired of feeling alone like this. I'm so fucking tired.

Loneliness is a horrible thing always felt loneliness even as a young child like yourself i've never felt fully connected with family although that could be my own doing

As for friends who understand and listen to you again maybe its my fault for having such a complex mind and being too emotionally discharged but i wish you could have friends like that i do too

Same as you like i felt if i had someone taking care of me emotionally and being my guide I wouldn't of felt as badly as i did now i've just become this unsaveable mess that can't be redeemed

No matter how hard you try to change and reflect you can't yet the world around you pushes forward yet your stuck living in the past…i feel for you your story hits me like a ton of bricks

Dude idk what people are around you but don't let people talk about you and your body that way,for a start it's not flattery by all means but if people are saying that they most aleast find you attractive albeit for the wrong reasons but still don't beat yourself up like that it hurts me genuinely to hear that even if i'm not expressing that well


Communication is difficult i suffer with it tremendously with having difficulty processing and understanding my emotions and having autism with poor social skills so trust me don't beat yourself up for not being able to express yourself fully…i feel you too how there is thoughts and feelings you have that you want people to see or know about but no matter how hard you try they wont leave your mouth or you can't form them into words…but you want people to know or even when you do and you are desperate for people to understand but they just look at you puzzled confused and lost…your screaming to be heard but no one will listen…i have pain writing these words and I imagine you feel pain reading them too…i fucking understand you ok?…i know what its like…i'm not saying our stories are the same…i'm not saying our situations are the same…but I understand you really i do

Your thoughts and feelings are fully valid and you better know that and not let anyone else tell you or make you feel otherwise

Just know that my DM's are always open and i'm here for you for whatever you need ok…my heart goes out for you

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

Loneliness is a horrible thing always felt loneliness even as a young child like yourself i've never felt fully connected with family although that could be my own doing

As for friends who understand and listen to you again maybe its my fault for having such a complex mind and being too emotionally discharged but i wish you could have friends like that i do too

Same as you like i felt if i had someone taking care of me emotionally and being my guide I wouldn't of felt as badly as i did now i've just become this unsaveable mess that can't be redeemed

No matter how hard you try to change and reflect you can't yet the world around you pushes forward yet your stuck living in the past…i feel for you your story hits me like a ton of bricks

Dude idk what people are around you but don't let people talk about you and your body that way,for a start it's not flattery by all means but if people are saying that they most aleast find you attractive albeit for the wrong reasons but still don't beat yourself up like that it hurts me genuinely to hear that even if i'm not expressing that well


Communication is difficult i suffer with it tremendously with having difficulty processing and understanding my emotions and having autism with poor social skills so trust me don't beat yourself up for not being able to express yourself fully…i feel you too how there is thoughts and feelings you have that you want people to see or know about but no matter how hard you try they wont leave your mouth or you can't form them into words…but you want people to know or even when you do and you are desperate for people to understand but they just look at you puzzled confused and lost…your screaming to be heard but no one will listen…i have pain writing these words and I imagine you feel pain reading them too…i fucking understand you ok?…i know what its like…i'm not saying our stories are the same…i'm not saying our situations are the same…but I understand you really i do

Your thoughts and feelings are fully valid and you better know that and not let anyone else tell you or make you feel otherwise

Just know that my DM's are always open and i'm here for you for whatever you need ok…my heart goes out for you

okay holy f-ck I really didn't expect this.

I'm pretty sure my problems with having friends started way earlier than I can remember, but like have you ever had the feeling that-when you do one thing wrong, one person ses it and spreads to everyone around you making you completely alone? (or even if not completely alone, you can sense the others people judgments?) Because this happened way more than once and not just to me.

I can feel the relatedness from almost a mile away, like we type on a really similar way. I probably should've included that on the text, but I found out I also have autism (like one of my closest relatives has.) It ends up being probably the thing that screws us the most (with communicating and socializing).. and though I found about it "early" and hav been on therapy for a while, it's like there's I never can get better at expressing myself and I feel so so stupid for it lmao

There's actually a lot more things I'd type here, but I think I'm just in shock for finding someone who actually seems to get it, and I don't want to tire you out with a wall text (not that yours has let me tired, but I'm not sure if an answer out of the blue wouldn't tire you out-I don't want to be any bother). and thanks for the validation. It does help me a lot

 

[F@#$]

Love is a lie,nothing will hurt you more than love.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

okay holy f-ck I really didn't expect this.

I'm pretty sure my problems with having friends started way earlier than I can remember, but like have you ever had the feeling that-when you do one thing wrong, one person ses it and spreads to everyone around you making you completely alone? (or even if not completely alone, you can sense the others people judgments?) Because this happened way more than once and not just to me.

I can feel the relatedness from almost a mile away, like we type on a really similar way. I probably should've included that on the text, but I found out I also have autism (like one of my closest relatives has.) It ends up being probably the thing that screws us the most (with communicating and socializing).. and though I found about it "early" and hav been on therapy for a while, it's like there's I never can get better at expressing myself and I feel so so stupid for it lmao

There's actually a lot more things I'd type here, but I think I'm just in shock for finding someone who actually seems to get it, and I don't want to tire you out with a wall text (not that yours has let me tired, but I'm not sure if an answer out of the blue wouldn't tire you out-I don't want to be any bother). and thanks for the validation. It does help me a lot

Like yourself i've always had problems with friendships i think it comes down to my emotional issues

And yea people will take what you say out of context or outright lie or even twist what you say and do and people believe them and never get your side

This has happened so many times i've never managed to build a stable support networke around me which i've needed for my whole life

So we both have autism then that's definitely interesting and yea i've always had problems with communication and socialisation too

And please your not tiring me out at all as you said i'm just as glad to find someone like me as you are ^^

 

[fly]

They're valid! Theese thoughs inside your mind are so fckin valid <3

 

[MapleSyrupVein]

this is valid i feel the same it's so fucked how social we are as humans and yet still i can't make anyone stay and everything seems so fast, i had some one i talked to for 3 months until he got more friends and it feels like i've lost him already, this rock sucks i wish time would be slower so i am not alone as much

i'm so scared of moving forward from my shit place that even my lowest is at least some where i'm comfortable

 

[Serial Experi Pain]

Nothing wrong with how you feel...

It seems like most on this site are either lonely, disgusted by humans or both and don't know how to deal with it.

When and if someone figures that shit out, let me know....

I got the issue with being in love with the idea of love. I'm so fucking picky and I stay to myself, so it's nearly impossible to find people I can be friends with, let alone see as a romantic partner.
I know I'm deffo gonna die alone because any time someone does actually like or love me I push them away anyhow because I can never believe them, lmfaoooo. Having a fucked brain is a rollercoaster.

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

Nothing wrong with how you feel...

It seems like most on this site are either lonely, disgusted by humans or both and don't know how to deal with it.

When and if someone figures that shit out, let me know....

I got the issue with being in love with the idea of love. I'm so fucking picky and I stay to myself, so it's nearly impossible to find people I can be friends with, let alone see as a romantic partner.
I know I'm deffo gonna die alone because any time someone does actually like or love me I push them away anyhow because I can never believe them, lmfaoooo. Having a fucked brain is a rollercoaster.

The idea of love always struck a cord with me, too. It's weird how I recall vividly on the many crushes I'd had while I was a child, though I'm sure I never got what love really is.
I think something about enjoying people's happiness, putting them before even ours(??)

I have the same problem w pushing away, though sometimes I just plain isolate myself and don't even realize it at the time.. shits crazy.
And I'd rather not even start talking on how disgusted I feel about humanity, bcs it would just pile the shit up... more for my burning pile
though I'll admit, I do fell a bit less lonely when people respond to me here. It's nice to feel understood, even if just lightly.

thank u everyone