Venting Feeling a little better

[schizoidoll]

It is so strange, having a better day after weeks of nothing but absolute hopelessness. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the fact that I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow or my plans to meet up with a friend this weekend, but I feel a bit lighter. I've spent the last two days binge-watching Netflix and preparing nice meals for myself. Still haven't ventured outside the door or had a shower since Friday, though it no longer feels like this huge impossible task. I do keep putting it off, because washing myself feels pointless as long as I'm still spending most of the day rotting in my well marinated bed.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed thinking about my appointment tomorrow. I know we'll have to discuss how I've been doing and my little ER visit, but it's like my mind is already gaslighting me into thinking it hasn't been as bad as it has.
At the same time I still keep visiting this site and researching how to best kill myself.

I know it will get bad again soon, but for tonight, I'm gonna have something tasty for dinner, and then a nice hot bath tomorrow before going to my appointment. It feels good to be able to actually enjoy the little things, if only for a while.

 

[Oxymorphone]

Yeah, mood swings are so exhausting. There are days where I do sports, clean my apartment, and make plans for the future, etc. And then suddenly it all comes crashing down on a random day, when I won't leave my bed and only think about CTB.

I'd recommend being honest with your therapist. Don't see them as someone you have to sell a story with a happy ending to.
They get paid for dealing with our problems lol

Wish you all the best!

 

[.idiot]

These kind of phases of sudden happiness, unfortunately, are usually temporary. That is why it is really important that while you do have this motivation from positive feelings that you CAPITALISE ON IT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. You should rope yourself into doing shit that you have to commit to for an extended period of time right now so that if this happy phase passes, you end up doing those things you committed to because of the nagging feeling of "oh, I should be doing this instead of doing nothing". Consistently doing anything makes it into a habit, and now is the best time to start on gaining positive habits.

You said you have a friend, so I recommend asking them to remind you of whatever it is you may try to commit yourself to- whether that be a daily run, keeping up with having nice meals and a good diet, stuff like that.

 

[schizoidoll]

These kind of phases of sudden happiness, unfortunately, are usually temporary. That is why it is really important that while you do have this motivation from positive feelings that you CAPITALISE ON IT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. You should rope yourself into doing shit that you have to commit to for an extended period of time right now so that if this happy phase passes, you end up doing those things you committed to because of the nagging feeling of "oh, I should be doing this instead of doing nothing". Consistently doing anything makes it into a habit, and now is the best time to start on gaining positive habits.

While this is sound advice for most people, unfortunately it doesn't work for me. I've been in this game for a long time now and having a personality disorder makes everything kinda moot. But it is a good strategy if one is able to employ it and maybe it can be of help to someone else reading this.