Venting Feel unappreciated

[cookiedough]

I'm about to bitch and vent for a while. I feel like complete shit today. I was about to ctb today, but something happened that gave me a reason to want to live. I don't have anything to offer to the world. When I do try to offer something, it goes so unappreciated because I can't do anything right. A family member is trying to start a youtube channel and she is having me edit. She is learning youtube as she goes, but she can't see that I'm also learning editing as I go? I've never edited before and she wants things perfect and doesn't understand how long it takes. And when something isn't right she just yells at me. Like she knows how to do anything on there. Why doesn't she edit herself then. That's just one small thing in some big life long bullshit. It's like everyday I decide to live through, I'm reminded why I want to die in the first place. How can family want you to live and at the same time give you so many reasons to not live? What am I alive for? To keep getting stressed out by you or for you to keep getting stressed out by me? When I try to hang myself, I can't seem to get past the SI that is keeping me from stepping off of or kicking the prop out from under me. I wish someone could be there to just take the chair out from under me. I wish it was as simple as just swallowing something. I thought about SN, but I have no way to get meto or anything like that. I wish something like cyanide was easily available. I dread going to sleep every single night because I know I'll eventually wake up. I hope every single night that I don't wake up from my sleep. There are no tall bridges or buildings anywhere where I live. It's like a town. I probably couldn't overcome the SI to jump anyway. I shouldn't have been born.

 

[teotme]

Hi sorry to hear about what you are going through. Really, it's all the little BS in life that adds up into a huge pile of stink isn't it?

Yeah I've met many people like your relative. They don't want to do the work themselves, they want to control and dictate others to do their work for them.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I'm about to bitch and vent for a while. I feel like complete shit today. I was about to ctb today, but something happened that gave me a reason to want to live. I don't have anything to offer to the world. When I do try to offer something, it goes so unappreciated because I can't do anything right. A family member is trying to start a youtube channel and she is having me edit. She is learning youtube as she goes, but she can't see that I'm also learning editing as I go? I've never edited before and she wants things perfect and doesn't understand how long it takes. And when something isn't right she just yells at me. Like she knows how to do anything on there. Why doesn't she edit herself then. That's just one small thing in some big life long bullshit. It's like everyday I decide to live through, I'm reminded why I want to die in the first place. How can family want you to live and at the same time give you so many reasons to not live? What am I alive for? To keep getting stressed out by you or for you to keep getting stressed out by me? When I try to hang myself, I can't seem to get past the SI that is keeping me from stepping off of or kicking the prop out from under me. I wish someone could be there to just take the chair out from under me. I wish it was as simple as just swallowing something. I thought about SN, but I have no way to get meto or anything like that. I wish something like cyanide was easily available. I dread going to sleep every single night because I know I'll eventually wake up. I hope every single night that I don't wake up from my sleep. There are no tall bridges or buildings anywhere where I live. It's like a town. I probably couldn't overcome the SI to jump anyway. I shouldn't have been born.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through but have you ever thought about living life for yourself and maybe you'll attract people who appreciate you? If you can't love yourself no one else can and if you do find yourself worthy than no one else will. This is just ß suggestion. I'm sure there are many amazing things about you that people would love to get to know. Sometimes we can poison ourselves in our own mind towards ourselves. I don't want you to do that.just a suggestion but have you been to therapy and a shrink?

 

[cookiedough]

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through but have you ever thought about living life for yourself and maybe you'll attract people who appreciate you? If you can't love yourself no one else can and if you do find yourself worthy than no one else will. This is just ß suggestion. I'm sure there are many amazing things about you that people would love to get to know. Sometimes we can poison ourselves in our own mind towards ourselves. I don't want you to do that.just a suggestion but have you been to therapy and a shrink?

There are circumstances that keep me from being able to see a therapist. Vehicles need to be available and the schedules of my family members are a bit hectic. No one is able to take me there. The problems with my head have gotten so bad that it is effecting my physical body. I have episodes of migraines and syncope out of nowhere. I know that I need a therapist really bad.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Would it be possible for you to leave your parents and live on your own? Have you considered other options if you were to keep living? Ideally, how would you like to CTB?

 

[fightingsioux]

Would it be possible for you to leave your parents and live on your own? Have you considered other options if you were to keep living? Ideally, how would you like to CTB?

"Have you considered other options if you were to keep living?" Exactly. Both of you need to consider that, long and hard. I believe the options menu currently holds about...oh, let me see...a few million items.

 

[CrushedHopes]

"Have you considered other options if you were to keep living?" Exactly. Both of you need to consider that, long and hard. I believe the options menu currently holds about...oh, let me see...a few million items.

I can't speak for the OP, but it's a definite no for me. A boring and dry life with nobody to talk to other than my parents and SS members isn't a life I planned on having. I can't take this. I'm spending my final moments on SS, and then pass away peacefully. If I hadn't made up my mind to CTB, then I'd probably be in the same state I was 3 years ago, when I was suicidal. I'd just mope about and slouch, wasting the rest of my days away.

It's because I had made up my mind that I feel more at peace - knowing that I don't have a lot of time left.

 

[cookiedough]

I don't make enough money at the moment, so I'd have no where to go if I did that. But, that is a great suggestion that I could think about. I'll have to work my way into being able to do that. Plus they take some of my paycheck anyway. So, I'll have to think of something if I want to move away.

 

[CrushedHopes]

It seems like your family is plenty toxic, which is why I'd assume that moving away would make you feel better. If you don't think you could achieve that, how would you like to CTB?

 

[cookiedough]

It seems like your family is plenty toxic, which is why I'd assume that moving away would make you feel better. If you don't think you could achieve that, how would you like to CTB?

Well my dream way is the SN. Just drink something and have it be over with. But since I can't get access to meto, the SN method can't happen. The most readily available way I have is hanging. It's just getting past the SI to kick over or step off of the prop that is the challenge. Something happened recently that gave me a glimmer of hope, so I'm postponing my attempts for now. Plus I can always come onto this site to feel better. I know, that is very depressing.

 

[woxihuanni]

I'm about to bitch and vent for a while. I feel like complete shit today. I was about to ctb today, but something happened that gave me a reason to want to live. I don't have anything to offer to the world. When I do try to offer something, it goes so unappreciated because I can't do anything right. A family member is trying to start a youtube channel and she is having me edit. She is learning youtube as she goes, but she can't see that I'm also learning editing as I go? I've never edited before and she wants things perfect and doesn't understand how long it takes. And when something isn't right she just yells at me. Like she knows how to do anything on there. Why doesn't she edit herself then. That's just one small thing in some big life long bullshit. It's like everyday I decide to live through, I'm reminded why I want to die in the first place. How can family want you to live and at the same time give you so many reasons to not live? What am I alive for? To keep getting stressed out by you or for you to keep getting stressed out by me? When I try to hang myself, I can't seem to get past the SI that is keeping me from stepping off of or kicking the prop out from under me. I wish someone could be there to just take the chair out from under me. I wish it was as simple as just swallowing something. I thought about SN, but I have no way to get meto or anything like that. I wish something like cyanide was easily available. I dread going to sleep every single night because I know I'll eventually wake up. I hope every single night that I don't wake up from my sleep. There are no tall bridges or buildings anywhere where I live. It's like a town. I probably couldn't overcome the SI to jump anyway. I shouldn't have been born.

How old are you and how independent from family? Cannot imagine wanting to off myself because family does not appreciate me.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through but have you ever thought about living life for yourself and maybe you'll attract people who appreciate you? If you can't love yourself no one else can and if you do find yourself worthy than no one else will. This is just ß suggestion. I'm sure there are many amazing things about you that people would love to get to know. Sometimes we can poison ourselves in our own mind towards ourselves. I don't want you to do that.just a suggestion but have you been to therapy and a shrink?

Sweet makes a very good point about living for yourself. One of the hardest things I had to learn was to tell people "no." I still struggle with it. But if you can use that word to avoid stressful situations, especially ones that trigger ctb urges, well then that one word can save your life.

There are circumstances that keep me from being able to see a therapist. Vehicles need to be available and the schedules of my family members are a bit hectic. No one is able to take me there. The problems with my head have gotten so bad that it is effecting my physical body. I have episodes of migraines and syncope out of nowhere. I know that I need a therapist really bad.

Do you live somewhere that you can use the internet to talk with a therapist from wherever you have internet? There are several apps and online services for that.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Cookie, we are here for you regardless of what your choice is. If you choose to live, then we hope that you manage to find joy in life.

 

[jgm63]

Have you tried searching online for "primperan" (which is metoclopramide) ?