My reasons for ctb probably sound very trivial: the crux of it is my parents are forcing me into a career I do not want anything to do with while I have my own passions and ideas of what I want to do with my life, but they think I'll just "ruin my life" and I'll earn no money and die on the road (aka where my dad has threatened to send me multiple times). There is an element of truth to that, I want to work in the film industry ideally, but obviously it's much less financially secure. I was open to considering other jobs though like as a psychologist, but basically anything except computer science or medicine they will not tolerate. They've also forced me into part time jobs and "internships" that I absolutely despise but they wouldn't let me apply for another job or anything else I'd be interested in. And if my grades dip anywhere below a 90, all hell breaks loose here. For getting a B in my calculus class I was told I was ruining my life, should leave the house, not allowed to see any friends and ridiculed about wanting to make films.
Other than that, my family isn't too abusive, maybe more toward my childhood days when they said we should go back to our home country bc I was "slacking in studies" (I got an A- on a test), yelled at for getting an A instead of A+, and constantly told off for minor mistakes it was worse. The fact that they don't love each other doesn't really help. They don't argue all the time anymore, but esp when I was a kid they always would. I'm pretty convinced my dad has cheated on my mom, he constantly picks on her and insults her, blames her for his own failed artistic ambitions (which is part of why I want to ctb, may as well not hurt anyone chasing a dream the same way he did), asked her what value she has if she doesn't cook food for us, called her a slut, and just in general makes some dumbass decisions. Not surprised my mom always said we'd go back and asked which parent I preferred (to which I obv didn't know).
My mom has always complained to me about his behavior, but I can't say shit about him bc he "earns for this family" on "one income" (that's prob 150-200k, but the moment I want to not pursue the careers they want they have "no money", I'm being "delusional", and I want to "ruin everything"). It's not always all bad though. Apart from the couple of times I've been slapped as a kid and my dad almost beat me up when he was drunk, nothing physical. Beyond that it's not too bad. They care about me and treat me nicely, respect my privacy—as long as my grades are alright and I'm cooperating with them on college shit. And I've always been a dumbass kid. Not academically, just in general. Always been an angry piece of shit. Never had many friends till recently, and even now I've become a burden to them thanks to my depression.
There have been good moments in my life, good people, good memories (even with my parents) but all of it just feels cancelled out by the heaps of bullshit life comes at me with sometimes. Now I have to submit essays for uni applications, which my parents decided almost all the unis for and wrote most of the essays for. Can't choose shit in my life, but my dumbass would probably be wrong. I'll probably miss my friends, but honestly I'm so ready for an eternal sleep to take me. Ik people who have been through worse. Hell, my parents and quite a few of my friends have been through much worse parental abuse and kept going. So I just feel weak, too weak to stay alive in this cruel world. But weakness and strength won't really matter if I sleep forever. Although I doubt I will. Don't have the gall to do it all the times I've come close. Even choking myself with my hands I chicken out.
To anyone asking, yes I am in therapy, but honestly it doesn't really help. Can't choose what I want to do with my life, what I work as even now, I just laze around in my bed for a lot of my free time, like some Travis Bickle type. I feel demotivated to do most things I enjoy outside of maybe a school class and martial arts, but even that my parents have cut down on for the sake of college essays. May as well ctb, save them the tuition money. All they rly care about anyways.
Yeah, sorry if this sounded really incoherent. I just wanted to vent. Anyone who empathizes, please lmk. Hopefully the pain will end soon.
Other than that, my family isn't too abusive, maybe more toward my childhood days when they said we should go back to our home country bc I was "slacking in studies" (I got an A- on a test), yelled at for getting an A instead of A+, and constantly told off for minor mistakes it was worse. The fact that they don't love each other doesn't really help. They don't argue all the time anymore, but esp when I was a kid they always would. I'm pretty convinced my dad has cheated on my mom, he constantly picks on her and insults her, blames her for his own failed artistic ambitions (which is part of why I want to ctb, may as well not hurt anyone chasing a dream the same way he did), asked her what value she has if she doesn't cook food for us, called her a slut, and just in general makes some dumbass decisions. Not surprised my mom always said we'd go back and asked which parent I preferred (to which I obv didn't know).
My mom has always complained to me about his behavior, but I can't say shit about him bc he "earns for this family" on "one income" (that's prob 150-200k, but the moment I want to not pursue the careers they want they have "no money", I'm being "delusional", and I want to "ruin everything"). It's not always all bad though. Apart from the couple of times I've been slapped as a kid and my dad almost beat me up when he was drunk, nothing physical. Beyond that it's not too bad. They care about me and treat me nicely, respect my privacy—as long as my grades are alright and I'm cooperating with them on college shit. And I've always been a dumbass kid. Not academically, just in general. Always been an angry piece of shit. Never had many friends till recently, and even now I've become a burden to them thanks to my depression.
There have been good moments in my life, good people, good memories (even with my parents) but all of it just feels cancelled out by the heaps of bullshit life comes at me with sometimes. Now I have to submit essays for uni applications, which my parents decided almost all the unis for and wrote most of the essays for. Can't choose shit in my life, but my dumbass would probably be wrong. I'll probably miss my friends, but honestly I'm so ready for an eternal sleep to take me. Ik people who have been through worse. Hell, my parents and quite a few of my friends have been through much worse parental abuse and kept going. So I just feel weak, too weak to stay alive in this cruel world. But weakness and strength won't really matter if I sleep forever. Although I doubt I will. Don't have the gall to do it all the times I've come close. Even choking myself with my hands I chicken out.
To anyone asking, yes I am in therapy, but honestly it doesn't really help. Can't choose what I want to do with my life, what I work as even now, I just laze around in my bed for a lot of my free time, like some Travis Bickle type. I feel demotivated to do most things I enjoy outside of maybe a school class and martial arts, but even that my parents have cut down on for the sake of college essays. May as well ctb, save them the tuition money. All they rly care about anyways.
Yeah, sorry if this sounded really incoherent. I just wanted to vent. Anyone who empathizes, please lmk. Hopefully the pain will end soon.
