Venting Feel so stuck and I feel myself becoming so bitter

[Freedom21]

I am 21 and have dealt with depression my whole life. I got horrible ibs a year ago because of long eating disorder period which sucks because now that I'm recovered I have a disease from it. It's not I have a bit of gas it's doubled over in pain with cramps, looking six months pregnant, diarrhea and if I want to go out having to put off eating because it ruins my entire day. It's not in my head I'm fine with eating actually at a higher weight and like it because I feel more womanly. I have gotten a colonoscopy and endoscopy, sibo tests and ovarian tests. Ibs is listed as a functional disease but it doesn't feel like it. I also have tardive dyskinesia from trazodone which I had to find out from google because my doctor didn't tell me it was a side effect even though I was telling her I was having clenching of eyes to the point my eye muscles hurt and clenching of jaw. Six months and she said nothing. I put my trust in her only to realize she was horrible and greedy. Her office doesn't even take insurance out of pocket who does that. I can't get partial to work, parents help me with money so drugs out of the question only thing left I can think of is jumping but I live in Florida. I would have to travel because I want a cliff because of I'm terrified of accidentally killing someone. I feel myself becoming a monster because I'm in pain and so angry. I use to be really kind to everyone but now I'm so upset at everything and everyone. I'm believe in religion. I'm pagan. I just don't understand why people suffer and why I'm suffering when horrible people are fine or thriving. I'm not a great person but I'm not horrible and I don't want to to like woe is me but it sucks. Even if everything is healed I don't know if I would be happy. I would try but what's the point now. My family is amazing and I feel so guilty for being so mean. I want to die have tried and failed but I also know it would break them. I don't like being a burden but it would be hard for them. I don't know want to do. I don't know if I can live for them. I wish I never had an eating disorder and gave myself these problems. I want to live but not if it's with these problems. Sorry for the run on sentences and length.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. It seems like the first thing you need is another doctor - is that feasible? Do you have health insurance?

Parts of what you're saying are very resonant with me - I can't eat without various kinds of pain either. That started after I quit smoking - apparently that's not uncommon. I don't advise smoking, mind you (especially since I have emphysema) but House MD did once, if that means anything. 8\

Another resonance with your story is that I was severely depressed until I was about 25. Things *can* change, and I hope they will for you, but first you need better care than you're getting from your doctor.

Do your parents know how badly you're struggling? Do you have siblings and/or friends you talk with?

Maybe someday you'll tell us about your religion - I'd be interested.

(((Hugs)))

 

[Jolene40]

I have extensive experience of gut trouble and pain that has had me screaming on my knees. I had years of being told it was ibs and anxiety often came up. I knew it wasn't.
People can have problems with motility of the gut - the way in which food moves. The only way to show this is by timing transit and observing it on action. This involves using a camera swallow pill which you swallow, it takes pictures as it goes through and you poo it out. A colonoscopy won't pick those things up as you can't see issues with muscles or nerves. I'd see another doctor and ask for that. They won't offer it up and most will speak to you like an anxiety ridden moron unless you advocatefor yourself.
Horrific pain and suffering from multiple illnesses are what bring me here. I know how you feel.
Also celiac testing is a possibility? Other than that drastically changing diet and trying gluten free dairy free may help. All a crock I know

 

[not_a_robot]

Lots of women with gastro issues get told it's anxiety then twelve or twenty years later it turns out to have a physical cause that their doctor was too lazy to test for.
Doctors basically despise women, search "how doctors treat women" for some fun articles.
Jerome Groopman's How Doctors Think begins with a case history of a woman whose stomach trouble was called anxiety.

The gender pain gap is real. Doctors, stop dismissing women’s conditions | Dawn Foster

The medical profession needs to overcome biases in treating women, says Guardian columnist Dawn Foster

www.theguardian.com

 

[Alec]

I am 21 and have dealt with depression my whole life. I got horrible ibs a year ago because of long eating disorder period which sucks because now that I'm recovered I have a disease from it. It's not I have a bit of gas it's doubled over in pain with cramps, looking six months pregnant, diarrhea and if I want to go out having to put off eating because it ruins my entire day. It's not in my head I'm fine with eating actually at a higher weight and like it because I feel more womanly. I have gotten a colonoscopy and endoscopy, sibo tests and ovarian tests. Ibs is listed as a functional disease but it doesn't feel like it. I also have tardive dyskinesia from trazodone which I had to find out from google because my doctor didn't tell me it was a side effect even though I was telling her I was having clenching of eyes to the point my eye muscles hurt and clenching of jaw. Six months and she said nothing. I put my trust in her only to realize she was horrible and greedy. Her office doesn't even take insurance out of pocket who does that. I can't get partial to work, parents help me with money so drugs out of the question only thing left I can think of is jumping but I live in Florida. I would have to travel because I want a cliff because of I'm terrified of accidentally killing someone. I feel myself becoming a monster because I'm in pain and so angry. I use to be really kind to everyone but now I'm so upset at everything and everyone. I'm believe in religion. I'm pagan. I just don't understand why people suffer and why I'm suffering when horrible people are fine or thriving. I'm not a great person but I'm not horrible and I don't want to to like woe is me but it sucks. Even if everything is healed I don't know if I would be happy. I would try but what's the point now. My family is amazing and I feel so guilty for being so mean. I want to die have tried and failed but I also know it would break them. I don't like being a burden but it would be hard for them. I don't know want to do. I don't know if I can live for them. I wish I never had an eating disorder and gave myself these problems. I want to live but not if it's with these problems. Sorry for the run on sentences and length.

Don't apologize for writing so much, speaking for myself, I'm here to read your stories and get to know them, and I'm glad you shared with us! I too am becoming bitter and Nehru and I hate that. I don't want to hate other people, I don't want to feel resentment towards them but sometimes I start to notice that I can't help it. I don't want to live in misery because I think it will turn me even more ugly towards other people and more mean and I don't want to be that person. And as for me, I know I can't stay alive for others. If I stay and live it has to be for me, not somebody else, not even my family.