feel so selfish

[wildflowers1996]

I'm not ctb to help others
I'm doing it for selfish reasons despite knowing it will hurt others

I feel so guilty (but apparently not guilty enough not to do it)

I hate myself for not loving my family enough
They're going to think I didn't care about them

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Whether you ctb or not has no bearing on how much you love your family. Also, a lot of people ctb for selfish reasons. There is nothing to feel bad about. It's fine to be a bit selfish. You are human and an aspect to being human is being a bit selfish.

 

[i love you]

I struggle with this a lot too. Guilt seems to be the only thing stopping me from ctb. I'm an only child, but recently I've found myself wishing I had a sibling that was better than me at everything. It sounds stupid, but it would make ctb so much easier.

 

[statue]

I'm not ctb to help others
I'm doing it for selfish reasons despite knowing it will hurt others

I feel so guilty (but apparently not guilty enough not to do it)

I hate myself for not loving my family enough
They're going to think I didn't care about them

You can always write a note saying otherwise. Sadly, you won' be able to control how they respond to that. Guilt is a complex thing and as someone who is not you, I won't know exact,y what or why you feel guilt, but I'll still give my two cents. Take it with a grain of salt tho.

Your life is yours to deal with and do what you wish. The way I see it is that the burden of grief is for the person experiencing it to deal with, not the dead person. Hurting someone does not make you a bad person. Obviously there are consequences for every action especially CBT. I'll be honest suicide can really destroy people even when you don't intend it, but some people can also leave unscathed. I know I'm the latter but then again I've heard this line of thinking is uncommon. Point is, you have no control or responsibility over their hurt, only your action.

If I were you, I'd ask myself why I felt guilty first. To process your own guilt you also have to question why you want to CBT in the first place in my opinion. Sometimes you have to put yourself first and maybe you'll put others first. Either choice does not make you a bad person. It doesn't necessarily mean you'll be betraying yourself or them whichever you choose. As always, quick reminder to only do CBT if you're without a shadow of a doubt.

With things like guilt, there's no correct or wrong response, I hope to offer you at the very least, my perspective and how I personally view it. Do with this what you will. Good luck with whichever you choose.