Feel like i'm not allowed to recover but I'm going to try.

[hoppybunny]

So, since I started interacting on pro suicide platforms like here and 2meirl42meirl4meirl, I've felt better and i'm honestly willing to give life a shot again cause it's nice to be able to hear others perspectives unfiltered. But sometimes I feel bad that I want to give life a shot. I don't know if that makes sense. Like if I get better now then it means I was always capable of doing all these things and I was just using suicide and depression as an excuse. Like I'm essentially too scared to kill myself. I'm certain of it now so I might as well live how I want. but i'm still a little scared of coming to terms with the fact that I'm actually going to live.

like i know those tendencies will still come back when things get tough but just somethign inside me is telling me it's not right for me to make that choice. Like being suicadal now means I have to live like this forever and have no goals.

I mean I do have goals and such but I was just not interested in living and staying alive to actually put myself through the stress of achieving them and I lowkey still kinda don't wanna do that but I at least want to try.

Sorry if this is all over the place. But I guess what i'm feeling is something akin to survivor's guilt and I want to stop that feelign because it's self righteous in my opinion cause I know anyone who chooses to commit is doing so because they have the right to and believe it's whats best for them but at the same time I feel guilty when i try to get better. Like maybe I shoudn't cause then I'll have no right to like be in these spaces anymore. I don't know what I should do to get rid of this feeling.

also sorry again if this comes off as self righteous or anhting. I just can't explain this any other way.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I think your conflicted feelings are quite common. It seems to me that we often put ctb and recovery in opposition, but I don't think that's necessarily the case. I have found that it's really powerful to do some work for yourself of what recovery means for you.

Personally I see recovery as trying to make the time we have here better and closer to our idea of "worth living". In my case I see recovery as avoiding impulsive ctb. I still plan to ctb in the end, but I don't feel that it's soon. So in the meantime I want to work towards goals and live a better life. The option to ctb will always be there.

This quote has been the backbone of my recovery:

 

[kyhoti]

Is it bad that all of that made sense? Lolol. You want to recover? Grab that shit like a crackhead chasing rock. Ride the fucking bronco, until one of you wears out.

And keep talking it out. Putting stuff in black & white has always, always given me more clarity. My head is swamp of disease and darkness, so if I try to rely on my head only, I'm handicapping myself, no matter what I'm chasing.

For what it's worth, you've earned a seat at the table. Bought and paid for with pain. Of course, that's just one mentally ill bastard's opinion.

 

[derpyderpins]

Doesn't come off as self-righteous to me. Seems like a reasonable train of thought about your concerns.

Like if I get better now then it means I was always capable of doing all these things and I was just using suicide and depression as an excuse.

You deserve more credit. Depression is an illness, or I guess you could say a condition. Either way, it's an obstacle. You were always capable, yes, but there was always going to be a progression wherein you gained coping skills to be better able to handle your symptoms. It is a step in the process of taking a shot at life; a prerequisite. You never could have just instantly been fine, you were going to need to cross that hurdle. And you may fall down and have to cross another in the future, but now you know you are capable of moving past it.

 

[hoppybunny]

Doesn't come off as self-righteous to me. Seems like a reasonable train of thought about your concerns.


You deserve more credit. Depression is an illness, or I guess you could say a condition. Either way, it's an obstacle. You were always capable, yes, but there was always going to be a progression wherein you gained coping skills to be better able to handle your symptoms. It is a step in the process of taking a shot at life; a prerequisite. You never could have just instantly been fine, you were going to need to cross that hurdle. And you may fall down and have to cross another in the future, but now you know you are capable of moving past it.

You're so kind. Thank you. It's definitely going to be hard but I appreciate You're kindness so much. Part of the reason I've been depressed is because I have really paralyzing anxiety so sometimes the solution is just telling myself that I'm being silly and it was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't do it before. So I really appreciate this a lot. Just knowing that even though I was always capable it's still OK that I'm crossing the hurdle now instead of instantaneously being better

Is it bad that all of that made sense? Lolol. You want to recover? Grab that shit like a crackhead chasing rock. Ride the fucking bronco, until one of you wears out.

And keep talking it out. Putting stuff in black & white has always, always given me more clarity. My head is swamp of disease and darkness, so if I try to rely on my head only, I'm handicapping myself, no matter what I'm chasing.

For what it's worth, you've earned a seat at the table. Bought and paid for with pain. Of course, that's just one mentally ill bastard's opinion.

I wholeheartedly appreciate your opinion and as someone who is also mentally ill I appreciate your kindness and strength. I'll try to write my feelings out more. I have really bad anxiety and low self esteem which leads me to brush of a lot of coping methods cause my brain is convinced it won't work for me but the phrase you used about handicapping myself by staying in my head makes so much sense. So I will do my best to try to journal more and express myself even if my head tells me it's not going to work.
Thank you so much for your kidness

I think your conflicted feelings are quite common. It seems to me that we often put ctb and recovery in opposition, but I don't think that's necessarily the case. I have found that it's really powerful to do some work for yourself of what recovery means for you.

Personally I see recovery as trying to make the time we have here better and closer to our idea of "worth living". In my case I see recovery as avoiding impulsive ctb. I still plan to ctb in the end, but I don't feel that it's soon. So in the meantime I want to work towards goals and live a better life. The option to ctb will always be there.

This quote has been the backbone of my recovery:

I like your idea a lot. I agree a lot. I use the phrase free to live knowing I can always die. But I've always been scared of securing a method cause I was sure I'd do it immediately. But I'm really hoping I can find a sure fire way so I can get a little confidence to try new and risky things. For now I'll start trying slowly. Maybe I won't even need a method anymore when I get better or maybe I will.

Still thank you so much for your reply and insight. I appreciate your kindness so much. It means a lot to me to know that my feelings are valid.

Gosh I'm so scared because I've been depressed and suicidal for so long I've given up on life but I really should start thinking about what would be a life worth living. It's gonna dissapoint my parents but what can I do lol.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I like your idea a lot. I agree a lot. I use the phrase free to live knowing I can always die. But I've always been scared of securing a method cause I was sure I'd do it immediately. But I'm really hoping I can find a sure fire way so I can get a little confidence to try new and risky things. For now I'll start trying slowly. Maybe I won't even need a method anymore when I get better or maybe I will.

Nice! I'm glad to be helpful.

I think what you're saying about still looking into methods is a great example of how it doesn't have to be ctb *or* recovery. It can also be recovery *and* ctb. lol

Wish you the best of luck, whatever you put your mind to.