hoppybunny
Fearer of the Future
- Jun 26, 2024
- 161
So, since I started interacting on pro suicide platforms like here and 2meirl42meirl4meirl, I've felt better and i'm honestly willing to give life a shot again cause it's nice to be able to hear others perspectives unfiltered. But sometimes I feel bad that I want to give life a shot. I don't know if that makes sense. Like if I get better now then it means I was always capable of doing all these things and I was just using suicide and depression as an excuse. Like I'm essentially too scared to kill myself. I'm certain of it now so I might as well live how I want. but i'm still a little scared of coming to terms with the fact that I'm actually going to live.
like i know those tendencies will still come back when things get tough but just somethign inside me is telling me it's not right for me to make that choice. Like being suicadal now means I have to live like this forever and have no goals.
I mean I do have goals and such but I was just not interested in living and staying alive to actually put myself through the stress of achieving them and I lowkey still kinda don't wanna do that but I at least want to try.
Sorry if this is all over the place. But I guess what i'm feeling is something akin to survivor's guilt and I want to stop that feelign because it's self righteous in my opinion cause I know anyone who chooses to commit is doing so because they have the right to and believe it's whats best for them but at the same time I feel guilty when i try to get better. Like maybe I shoudn't cause then I'll have no right to like be in these spaces anymore. I don't know what I should do to get rid of this feeling.
also sorry again if this comes off as self righteous or anhting. I just can't explain this any other way.
like i know those tendencies will still come back when things get tough but just somethign inside me is telling me it's not right for me to make that choice. Like being suicadal now means I have to live like this forever and have no goals.
I mean I do have goals and such but I was just not interested in living and staying alive to actually put myself through the stress of achieving them and I lowkey still kinda don't wanna do that but I at least want to try.
Sorry if this is all over the place. But I guess what i'm feeling is something akin to survivor's guilt and I want to stop that feelign because it's self righteous in my opinion cause I know anyone who chooses to commit is doing so because they have the right to and believe it's whats best for them but at the same time I feel guilty when i try to get better. Like maybe I shoudn't cause then I'll have no right to like be in these spaces anymore. I don't know what I should do to get rid of this feeling.
also sorry again if this comes off as self righteous or anhting. I just can't explain this any other way.