Feel like hurting myself tonight, don’t know what to do

[CentreMid]

Right now, my partner and I are going through a rough patch, and we're not as close as we once were. We both still care for each other and want to keep each other as romantic partners, but we still need to work on our own issues.

The tricky thing is, my partner was my biggest support and one of the main reasons why I chose to stay alive. I can't just tell my therapist about my suicidal ideation for obvious reasons. I know my partner isn't my therapist. She's not trained to deal with my suicidality, but she was at least willing to listen to me which was more than enough in terms of support. But because of our rough patch, she isn't able to help me as much, as she's trying to help herself.

I want to support her as she heals, and I'm doing the best I can to be there for her, but I can't ignore my own feelings and needs and I'm afraid she may not be able to handle my problems because she's dealing with her own.

I want to hurt myself tonight. Maybe not ctb, but I feel low enough that I might use unhealthy coping mechanisms if I don't pass out first. I'm so tired. Usually my partner would tell me her ringer's on if I needed her for anything (we're semi-long distance, same country/province (Canada), different towns) before going to bed but she hasn't been saying it lately and I don't want to call her in case her ringer's off or if I wake her up.

I don't know what to do.

 

[AngryDog]

Your partner seems to be a very good person if she supported you by listening to your problems. And it's good that you care for her own struggles and that you're aware of how your coping mechanisms work. I know it must be hard but try to take long breaths, hug or hit a pillow, or find something to do that distracts you from hurting yourself. I hope you can make it.

Also, I'm curious, why didn't you tell your therapist about your suicidal ideation?

 

[CentreMid]

Your partner seems to be a very good person if she supported you by listening to your problems. And it's good that you care for her own struggles and that you're aware of how your coping mechanisms work. I know it must be hard but try to take long breaths, hug or hit a pillow, or find something to do that distracts you from hurting yourself. I hope you can make it.

Also, I'm curious, why didn't you tell your therapist about your suicidal ideation?

Absolutely. She is, for lack of better words, the light of my life, and I love her very much.

Thanks for your kind words. I'm currently trying to immerse myself in a YouTube rabbit hole, should either distract me enough to not want to hurt myself or put me to sleep, whichever comes first.

I can't tell my therapist about being suicidal because she'd have to report me and there's a risk of being hospitalized. A former friend of mine was hospitalized back in 2016/2017 and she had one of the worst experiences of her life, and it made her problems worse. I don't want to end up like that because it would only hurt my partner more.

 

[RW__Asher23]

From what you said she is really good person and partner. If YT thing don't work try something else music etc but I think if you really need to call her she sounds like the kind person who does care and would rather talk to you than the other choice. No matter which you do though I am with you on your choice. It is difficult to know for sure but sometimes you just have take that chance. Wish you both the best. Peace.

 

[CentreMid]

From what you said she is really good person and partner. If YT thing don't work try something else music etc but I think if you really need to call her she sounds like the kind person who does care and would rather talk to you than the other choice. No matter which you do though I am with you on your choice. It is difficult to know for sure but sometimes you just have take that chance. Wish you both the best. Peace.

So far YT is working somewhat. Starting to drift off too haha

But thank you for your kind words as well :)

 

[situationalsui]

Healthy distraction is good. If it gets really intense you could try holding ice cubes or putting ice on your forehead.

 

[Unending]

I'm currently trying to immerse myself in a YouTube rabbit hole

I hope that's working out for you, this is a really good coping mechanism for me. Not much else calms me down like youtube or music honestly.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Absolutely. She is, for lack of better words, the light of my life, and I love her very much.

Thanks for your kind words. I'm currently trying to immerse myself in a YouTube rabbit hole, should either distract me enough to not want to hurt myself or put me to sleep, whichever comes first.

I can't tell my therapist about being suicidal because she'd have to report me and there's a risk of being hospitalized. A former friend of mine was hospitalized back in 2016/2017 and she had one of the worst experiences of her life, and it made her problems worse. I don't want to end up like that because it would only hurt my partner more.

I hope your situation gets better. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice to offer. I can say the YT rabbit hole works for me, I go down so many different rabbit holes to cope as well lol.

And that's the issue with therapy, if we tell them the wrong thing or how we truly feel sometimes, they could lock us in a mental ward involuntarily. I had a friend in one and he also hated it. He seems to be doing better now but we haven't talked much.

I hope everything goes well and you wake up and hopefully feel better.

 

[AngryDog]

Absolutely. She is, for lack of better words, the light of my life, and I love her very much.

Thanks for your kind words. I'm currently trying to immerse myself in a YouTube rabbit hole, should either distract me enough to not want to hurt myself or put me to sleep, whichever comes first.

I can't tell my therapist about being suicidal because she'd have to report me and there's a risk of being hospitalized. A former friend of mine was hospitalized back in 2016/2017 and she had one of the worst experiences of her life, and it made her problems worse. I don't want to end up like that because it would only hurt my partner more.

Glad to hear you're better. YT rabbit holes works in so many levels...

About the therapist, I don't think they are allowed to hospitalize you unless you're at a risk of hurting yourself real bad or something like that. I told mine about my suicidal ideation on our first session (even about the rope I had bought to hang myself) and she only prescribed me antidepressants. We're from different countries, so maybe things work different here. Or maybe I was really lucky, who knows.

Hospitalization is really bad though so I understand not wanting any risks. I don't know a single person that had a remotely good experience in those places.

Hope you feel better in the morning.

 

[MortisJ.]

Right now, my partner and I are going through a rough patch, and we're not as close as we once were. We both still care for each other and want to keep each other as romantic partners, but we still need to work on our own issues.

The tricky thing is, my partner was my biggest support and one of the main reasons why I chose to stay alive. I can't just tell my therapist about my suicidal ideation for obvious reasons. I know my partner isn't my therapist. She's not trained to deal with my suicidality, but she was at least willing to listen to me which was more than enough in terms of support. But because of our rough patch, she isn't able to help me as much, as she's trying to help herself.

I want to support her as she heals, and I'm doing the best I can to be there for her, but I can't ignore my own feelings and needs and I'm afraid she may not be able to handle my problems because she's dealing with her own.

I want to hurt myself tonight. Maybe not ctb, but I feel low enough that I might use unhealthy coping mechanisms if I don't pass out first. I'm so tired. Usually my partner would tell me her ringer's on if I needed her for anything (we're semi-long distance, same country/province (Canada), different towns) before going to bed but she hasn't been saying it lately and I don't want to call her in case her ringer's off or if I wake her up.

I don't know what to do.

You should try to get help first, talk to people you trust, if all hope is lost, seek a professional, since that's what they're trained for, look, it's not easy for me to say this, but you have to at least go through the tough times, I'm aware that it's hard but if you want to continue with it even after the rough times have ended and you've talked to everyone you got, then I think you should go with it.

 

[CentreMid]

You should try to get help first, talk to people you trust, if all hope is lost, seek a professional, since that's what they're trained for, look, it's not easy for me to say this, but you have to at least go through the tough times, I'm aware that it's hard but if you want to continue with it even after the rough times have ended and you've talked to everyone you got, then I think you should go with it.

I can't tell if you're saying this from a tough love perspective or if you're trying to tell me to get over it. Nuance is lost in text.

I've been through tough times alright. Haven't been suicidal like this since 2020. It's why I came back here. I've also been battling a self-harm addiction since I was in my mid-teens. I've tried getting help and it only does so much. I don't have many supports and like I said, my partner was my biggest support.

There are several reasons as to why I want to ctb but right now, my relationship problems are only making my ideation worse.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer, life really is just too cruel, and it must be tiring what you have to go through. It certainly sounds beyond horrible to me ending up hospitalized, so of course such a thing is best avoided. But anyway best wishes.