Feel like a sense of belonging would save me

[platypusfan]

I have never fit in, like literally anywhere there has never been a time where I felt like I was in the right place or a feeling of connectivity. It's been like this my whole life and I have never understood why, it is like I'm an alien or something. I thought it was just my social anxiety and selective mutism, but even when I succeed in social situations I do not feel any sort of connection. When I talk about it it gets blamed on me for not being "social" which is honestly annoying because I have pushed myself far out of my comfort zone, more than any of these people judging me. I also feel guilty because it feels like in order to be a human you have to fit in. I feel like I have to fake everything just to avoid getting harassed. It's not the type of thing where I lack empathy, I've never hurt anyone. I don't understand this feeling at all, even in my own family I feel like I shouldn't be there. I have no idea what love feels like. The best way I could describe it is that I feel like a part of me is missing. Like I was born with a missing piece. It is tearing away at me but anyways enough complaining, my point is that if this one thing about my life could change I feel like I would be way less likely to CTB. I just don't even know where to start to approach this problem, because no one even understands what I am saying. Maybe on here someone has experienced the same thing? I have a tiny bit of hope and that is why I haven't done anything yet. And don't say there is no hope because I will not believe you. I think I have at least one year left in me, then if this doesn't change I will do it.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I felt this growing up at school and had to be a good actor to fit into society in general because I was just different to everyone else.
I'm bipolar type 1 and borderline so I have difficulty communicating like a so-called normal person.

Eventually I gave up acting like everyone else and just became my natural self. It was a huge relief to stop caring what others thought of me.

You say you don't feel love, do you mean love for your family and friends, or romantic love ?

If you mean romantic love, then is there nobody you have ever felt even slightly attracted to ?

You are right to say that nobody should tell you that there is no hope, because things like this can definitely get better. It's just a case of keep exposing yourself to social situations and not giving up.

 

[carac]

It's hard to answer this because I don't want it to sound like I am saying there is something wrong with you. What I mean is i think a lot of us feel like we don't fit in, I know I do, sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong age or even the wrong universe. I think there is a spectrum and from the sound of it you sound like you are on the extreme, I don't think that means you are broken though.
Im not really sure how to help. All I can suggest is to examine your interests and inclinations then search for other people that share the same interests as yourself and maybe you will find some like minded people.

 

[LonelyTurkey]

I am in your shoes 100%. My entire life I have feel like an alien and was left out of everything, weather it be voluntarily or just not being invited because I'm unapprochable or any other reason. Even in my own family I can't feel their love, I guess I just don't believe them because I feel like I'm not a part of it. I almost feel like they just say it because they feel bad for me or something. Logically I know that's not true but that doesn't change my feelings behind it.

I'm trying to work on this by "being more social" which basically means at work I make small talk with people and sometimes I'll try to join someone for lunch or something. It hasn't really worked and hasn't done anything for my want to CTB but I'm trying. I had a therpist that told me I should look into volunteering opportunities. I haven't done that yet because I just get too anxious and don't have the energy but that might be something you could try.

I'm not sure if you can relate but I also have an obnoxious problem where I can sometimes get overly attached to people really easily, then it's painful when they don't return my feelings or just whatever. Not sure why that happens, just thought I would share it.

Just know you're not alone.

Best wishes.

 

[platypusfan]

I felt this growing up at school and had to be a good actor to fit into society in general because I was just different to everyone else.
I'm bipolar type 1 and borderline so I have difficulty communicating like a so-called normal person.

Eventually I gave up acting like everyone else and just became my natural self. It was a huge relief to stop caring what others thought of me.

You say you don't feel love, do you mean love for your family and friends, or romantic love ?

If you mean romantic love, then is there nobody you have ever felt even slightly attracted to ?

You are right to say that nobody should tell you that there is no hope, because things like this can definitely get better. It's just a case of keep exposing yourself to social situations and not giving up.

Im glad you were able to feel that relief of being yourself, I think that is definitely important. When it comes to love I mean anyone, both romantic and platonic, but mostly when it comes to being on the receiving end of it. I can feel great respect and admiration towards people but I can't feel like they feel the same way and I also can't feel happy because of a person which I thought that is what love is, but I could be wrong. When it comes to romantic love, I can definitely feel attracted to people and I have even had a girlfriend before but she treated me pretty horribly and I thought I deserved it because I believed I lacked love. And thank you so much for the kind response, hopefully I can keep going.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Im glad you were able to feel that relief of being yourself, I think that is definitely important. When it comes to love I mean anyone, both romantic and platonic, but mostly when it comes to being on the receiving end of it. I can feel great respect and admiration towards people but I can't feel like they feel the same way and I also can't feel happy because of a person which I thought that is what love is, but I could be wrong. When it comes to romantic love, I can definitely feel attracted to people and I have even had a girlfriend before but she treated me pretty horribly and I thought I deserved it because I believed I lacked love. And thank you so much for the kind response, hopefully I can keep going.

I'm glad you can feel love, and really sorry your girlfriend treated you that way.
Hopefully you can keep going and one day find someone who will really love you.