Feel guilty for burdening people with my troubles.

[LostLily]

Does anyone else feel guilty for bothering people with your problems? I was looking for a therapist after the last one gave up on me, then I remembered a friend told me her other friend was saved by counselling. I messaged her asking if she can get me that counsellor's contact details and apologized for bothering her. She replied:

ït's no bother at all. I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling, and am just glad that you've reached out for help - I'm sure that's not easy. I have a friend who is a therapist and have asked if she has any recommendations. I'll get back to you with whatever contact info she provides - just wanted to assure you I'm not leaving this msg on read.''

she later messaged me some potential counsellors her friend recommended.

Even though she said that is no bother at all, I still feel guilty. Because I don't want to worry her because she has her own life.

 

[coolgal82]

i feel that alot so i try and keep most of my issues to myself (well away from people i care about atleast)

one time i like mentioned something related to it that like really scared them all and i felt so guilty that i forced myself to like log off and not talk to them as some like exile/punishment type thing

 

[LostLily]

This friend knows about my last suicidal crisis but I has been years since then. I didn't want to message her because it would mean I am still struggling with it.

 

[Sleeper System]

I'll try to explain this as best as I can because it's merky...

Any time you "interrupt" someone's "regularly scheduled programming" you are placing an unexpected burden on them. What people mean to say when they tell you " It's no bother" is that your interruption is less impactful then the potential of what could happen down the the road. For example: You didn't ask me for help and you ended up ctbing is more damaging then you asked me for help and because you did I now have the knowledge that you're struggling which is burdensome but I can sooth that by knowing I did my part.

All of life is a burden. We trade burdens like pokemon cards. It's all about who's burden is worth holding and vice versa.

 

[LostLily]

I'll try to explain this as best as I can because it's merky...

Any time you "interrupt" someone's "regularly scheduled programming" you are placing an unexpected burden on them. What people mean to say when they tell you " It's no bother" is that your interruption is less impactful then the potential of what could happen down the the road. For example: You didn't ask me for help and you ended up ctbing is more damaging then you asked me for help and because you did I now have the knowledge that you're struggling which is burdensome but I can sooth that by knowing I did my part.

All of live is a burden. We trade burdens like pokemon cards. It's all about who's burden is worth holding and vice versa.

thanks i'm trying to avoid that for her.

 

[Sleeper System]

I'm saying DONT avoid it for her. You have to give people the opportunity of having the choice. It's a respect thing. Too often people think they're doing whats best for someone else when all they are really doing is disregarding that persons autonomy. Think about how bad someone would feel about if they were willing to help you and would have wanted to help you but you didn't give them the option and now they have to live with that guilt.

Present your burden and react accordingly based on that person's actions. If you see she is willing to help then take the help. If you get the feeling you're really bothering them then never ask again. It's a difficult thing to navigate because you can only move by actions and never know what a person is really thinking. But it's worth the risk.

 

[unluckyme]

I'm worried im such a burden on the people around me that they feel like theyre dragging a cinder block around. My old friends say that theyre happier without me

 

[Sleeper System]

I'm worried im such a burden on the people around me that they feel like theyre dragging a cinder block around. My old friends say that theyre happier without me

Then they were never your actual friends and you dodged a bullet. God forbid something happened where your friendship was tested and they failed miserably. Though, in my opinion that probably has already happened. Learn from it.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

You should believe her when she says it's no bother. When people know about something that helps they -want- to share that with others.
Call the counsellors and commit to going for at least four months, so you can make her efforts worth her while.

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

I doubt it bothered her much at all. She asked if you wanted help, you said yes, she helped you. There's nothing to feel guilty about, if anything I'm sure that she's a bit happier that you relied on her for a bit instead of taking it all on yourself like you usually do.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I have done in the past but, it's more complex I think than just feeling like you've burdened them. Opening up to someone also makes us more vulnerable I suppose. If they respond supportively, it can make us feel as if we are able to rely on them. I think in the past, I've over burdened people on occasions and, it's become too much for them. Then, if there's any kind of push back, it can feel so hurtful. For me, I think that mixes in with everything else to make me feel 'safer' in not really opening up so much now. That's not to say you shouldn't though. But, I think that's the reasoning on why I feel bad. It's not just the inconveniencing aspect, it's the fear of trust followed by abandonment.

That's part of the reason I value this place so much I suppose. We are able to vent or lend a sympathetic ear but, there's less pressure and expectation for people to actually feel responsible.

Really though, from what you've said, you're friend was happy to help. You weren't burdening them with your problems. You were only hinting that you're struggling and requested the datails of a therapist. In a way, it's like telling your friend your water tank is leaking, do they know a decent plumber.

You have to also bear in mind that some people actually enjoy helping others. They probably felt happy that you trusted them enough to open up and ask them for help.

But yeah, I do completely understand the feeling. I even felt bad about burdening the therapist!

 

[Trismegistus_13]

Hi LostLily, I'm sorry you're really struggling, and I'm very happy you reached out to someone for that counselor's contact info! I wouldn't see that as bothersome at al. Your friend sounded like she really wanted to help you. The way I see it, she probably feels good that she can help you in your time of need.

Also, about your other post, I've been with my current therapist for over two years now, and she is literally the best therapist in the world. I love her so much. I got lucky because she was only the second therapist I've had, but if you keep searching, you will find someone who fits well with you. The difference between one who doesn't and does match your energy is night and day.

 

[Ozzyno]

Does anyone else feel guilty for bothering people with your problems? I was looking for a therapist after the last one gave up on me, then I remembered a friend told me her other friend was saved by counselling. I messaged her asking if she can get me that counsellor's contact details and apologized for bothering her. She replied:

ït's no bother at all. I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling, and am just glad that you've reached out for help - I'm sure that's not easy. I have a friend who is a therapist and have asked if she has any recommendations. I'll get back to you with whatever contact info she provides - just wanted to assure you I'm not leaving this msg on read.''

she later messaged me some potential counsellors her friend recommended.

Even though she said that is no bother at all, I still feel guilty. Because I don't want to worry her because she has her own life.

I really don't want it to sound wrong but I don't want to open up with people about my problems because I feel like people will see me as less of a man or just generally consider me less valuable. I live in such a small place that you cannot really trust anyone on opening up, people will know.

After all these years in this situation and with my experiences with people it has become really difficult to do anything with people to be honest. I really can't do more other than joking around with people because I don't want them to know much about me…

 

[LostLily]

I really don't want it to sound wrong but I don't want to open up with people about my problems because I feel like people will see me as less of a man or just generally consider me less valuable. I live in such a small place that you cannot really trust anyone on opening up, people will know.

After all these years in this situation and with my experiences with people it has become really difficult to do anything with people to be honest. I really can't do more other than joking around with people because I don't want them to know much about me…

My brother has severe autism and has the brain of a toddler.

So throughout my life I was known as the normal sibling. So being open to people about my mental health struggles makes me feel less normal