Help Feedback on my suicide note?

[Oblivion Lover]

I posted this in another thread, but since the thread is dead I didn't get any replies. I'd like to see other people's opinions on this draft of my suicide note that I wrote yesterday. I want my note to look as polished and perfect as possible but I can't do it on my own. If you find anything wrong with it, be it with the content (or lack of) of the note, or with the quality of the writing itself (repeating myself too many times, jumping from one subject to other abruptly, wrong paragraphing, being too long, etc) please help me with your constructive criticism. It's very appreciated. Sorry but, it's a bit long.

My note:
If you're reading this, I'm dead. I've ingested a lethal dose of sodium nitrite and, despite what my appearance may suggest, I died peacefully and quickly. The medications on my bedside were taken with it, but with the intent of reducing discomfort. In case authorities want to do an autopsy of my body or start an investigation show them this note to prevent those unnecessary legal processes from happening.

Firstly I'd like to make it clear that nobody has influenced or pushed me into killing myself. This choice was my choice and all responsibility of it is mine. Nobody is to blame for my suicide. In the moment I took my own life my mind was clear and sound, despite my disorders. My decision was as rational as possible. Nobody could have prevented me from doing that. Please don't blame the internet or the people selling sodium nitrite for my death. If I couldn't use sodium nitrite I'd always find another, more painful way to kill myself, and even if it weren't for the internet I'd still be suicidal. Believe it or not I'm not so easily influenced.

I won't explain my reasons for killing myself in detail as that would take more time than I have and would be pointless, but in summary I've become unable to tolerate living what I believe to be a meaningless, pain filled and unsatisfying life forced upon me without my consent. My belief on that was based on years of the study of philosophy, and with time I've made the conclusion that I wouldn't ever be able to enjoy life knowing the truths about this existence. Other people would've just ignored the hard truths of life, but I'm not one of them. I could never enjoy living in ignorance as much as I can't enjoy living knowing that life is a cruel joke. I'm not expecting anyone to ever understand that, but just respect it, and to not attribute my suicide to just a case of stupidity, impulsivity or depression. I am not a kid anymore. Death was the only way I could have peace, and I was aware there's no way back.

I apologize for the inconvenience of my death and the impact it may have on everyone, and for being when I was alive, in your own words, intolerable. I admit that I may have been a little harsh sometimes, especially with my brother. I hope you can understand that for years ago I could barely stand living, and we're always too much different and could never agree with each other so that was a recipe for disaster. I'd like to reiterate, though, that my decision was NOT influenced by any other person, and that includes you all. I could have had the perfect family and things would still have ended the same way.

I know that you all are angry and sad at me for doing this, but please, if you can find the strength to forgive me for killing myself, I'd appreciate a lot if I was cremated instead of buried. I have mentioned already that I believe that burial is a primitive practice and cemeteries take up a lot of space. I'd understand if you are unable to do it or don't want to do it, though, as the nearest crematory is in another city kilometers away. I'd also appreciate if the cause of my death was kept a secret from everyone not living with us, even my father. I ask for this because knowing the rest of the family I'm sure that my memory will not be respected by them, and also because I don't want my godmother to learn about it. No more people need to suffer unnecessarily.
Goodbye for all eternity.
Signed: *insert my real life name here* Date: 13/10/19 (my chosen ctb date)

Edit: Some very appreciated alterations suggested by ouvreyes on pm.

 

[ihatepain]

I posted this in another thread, but since the thread is dead I didn't get any replies. I'd like to see other people's opinions on this draft of my suicide note that I wrote yesterday. I want my note to look as polished and perfect as possible but I can't do it on my own. If you find anything wrong with it, be it with the content (or lack of) of the note, or with the quality of the writing itself (repeating myself too many times, jumping from one subject to other abruptly, wrong paragraphing, being too long, etc) please help me with your constructive criticism. It's very appreciated. Sorry but, it's a bit long.

My note:
(Introduction and legal matters) If you're reading this, I'm dead. I've ingested a lethal dose of sodium nitrite and, despite what my appearance may suggest, I died peacefully and quickly. The medications on my bedside were taken with it but with the intent of reducing discomfort. I'm not sure if that is a possibility, but in case authorities want to do an autopsy of my body or start an investigation this note should be enough to prevent those unnecessary processes from happening.

(Disclaimer) Ok, so, firstly I'd like to make it clear that nobody has influenced or pushed me into killing myself. This choice was my choice and all responsibility of it is mine. Nobody is to blame for my suicide. My mind at the moment I had taken my own life was clear and sound despite my communication and memory problems, and I believe my decision was as rational as possible. Nobody could have prevented me from doing that. Please don't blame the internet or the people selling sodium nitrite for my death. If I couldn't use sodium nitrite I'd always find another, probably painful way to kill myself, and even if it weren't for the internet I'm sure I'd still be suicidal. Believe it or not I'm not so easily influenced.

(Reasons) I won't explain my reasons for killing myself in detail as that would take more time than I have and would be pointless, but in summary I've become unable to tolerate living what I believe to be a meaningless, pain filled and unsatisfying life forced upon me without my consent. My belief on that was based on years of study of philosophy, and with time I've made the conclusion that I wouldn't ever be able to enjoy life knowing the truth about this existence. Other people would've just ignored the hard truths of life, but I'm not one of them. I could never enjoy living in ignorance as much as I can't enjoy living knowing that life is a cruel joke. I'm not expecting anyone to ever understand that, but just respect it, and to not attribute my suicide to just a case of stupidity, impulsivity or depression. I am not a kid anymore. Death was the only I could have peace, and I was aware there's no way back.

(The "I don't really mean it but I'm trying to be polite" part) I apologize for the inconvenience of my death and the impact it may have on everyone, and for being when I was alive, in your own words, intolerable. I admit that I may have been a little harsh sometimes, especially with my brother. I hope you can understand that since years ago I could barely stand living, and we're always too much different and could never agree with each other so that was a recipe for disaster. I'd like to reiterate, though, that my decision was NOT influenced by any other person, and that includes you all. I could have had the perfect family and things would still have ended the same way.

(Final wishes) I know that you all are angry and sad at me for doing this, but please, if you can find the strenght to forgive me for killing myself, I'd appreciate a lot if I was cremated instead of buried. I have mentioned already that I believe that burial is a primitive practice and cemeteries take up a lot of space. I'd understand if you are unable to do it or don't want to do it, though, as the nearest crematory is in another city kilometers away. I'd also appreciate if the cause of my death was kept a secret from everyone not living with us, even my father. I ask for this because knowing the rest of the family I'm sure that my memory will not be respected by them, and also because I don't want my godmother to learn about it. No more people need to suffer unnecessarily.
I think that's all. Goodbye for all eternity.
Signed: *insert my real life name here* Date: 13/10/19 (my chosen ctb date)

So, what do you guys think about it?

"Death was the only I could have peace, and I was aware there's no way back."

It should be "Death was the only way I could have peace, and I was aware there's no way back". You forgot to write "way". But besides that, your suicide note seems pretty good.

 

[Oblivion Lover]

"Death was the only I could have peace, and I was aware there's no way back."

It should be "Death was the only way I could have peace, and I was aware there's no way back". You forgot to write "way". But besides that, your suicide note seems pretty good.

Fixed. Thanks for pointing that out. I have a short attention span so mistakes like this are bound to happen when I write anything.

 

[ihatepain]

Fixed. Thanks for pointing that out. I have a short attention span so mistakes like this are bound to happen when I write anything.

You're welcome. Everybody makes tiny mistakes like this so don't worry :)
I wrote my suicide note long time ago. The only problem I'm having now is on the suicide method. Every method seems to have a con. :(

 

[Nitromask]

"...in your own words, intolerable..."

I would remove this, as it sounds kind of bitchy, and I would imagine the reader will focus on that since it's about them, and use it to blame themselves...

EDITED TO ADD: I'd probably also remove the part right before that too, about being an inconvenience when you were alive, and probably most of the rest of that paragraph

 

[AnnaJaspers]

Could you mention that you love your brother? Also agree about removing the intolerable part.

Great note btw, in some respects similar to mine. Damn, these notes are hard to write, arent' they?

 

[arelia]

strictly speaking the first sentence may not be true if you're found quickly (maybe unlikely but..) and you won't appreciate what they do with your body because you'll be beyond that.
tbh, I don't like the third & fourth paras. I think they detract from the elegance.

I actually rewrote it (old habits die hard) but have decided not to post it as it's a bit rude since it's your note. I'll keep it for a bit and if you want I'll pm it to you.

 

[Fordprefect]

Great note. When I used to think of suicide on philosophical grounds though, I always imagined my note would be written on the last page of "The Stranger" by Camus. The copy that I had at the time had just one last sentence on the last page so there was plenty of empty space left, but the sentence itself is so powerful I felt I wouldnt need to write anything myself:

Pour que tout soit consommé, pour que je me sente moins seul, il me restait à souhaiter qu'il y ait beaucoup de spectateurs le jour de mon exécution et qu'ils m'accueillent avec des cris de haine.

I can't find it in English. Sounds amazing in the Russian translation.

 

[arelia]

Great note. When I used to think of suicide on philosophical grounds though, I always imagined my note would be written on the last page of "The Stranger" by Camus. The copy that I had at the time had just one last sentence on the last page so there was plenty of empty space left, but the sentence itself is so powerful I felt I wouldnt need to write anything myself:

[ ...] Pour que tout soit consommé, pour que je me sente moins seul, il me restait à souhaiter qu'il y ait beaucoup de spectateurs le jour de mon exécution et qu'ils m'accueillent avec des cris de haine.

I can't find it in English. Sounds amazing in the Russian translation.

[As if that blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself—so like a brother, really—I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again.] For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of hate.

I added the sentence before as it sets the scene...

 

[Fordprefect]

[As if that blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself—so like a brother, really—I felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again.] For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of hate.

I added the sentence before as it sets the scene...

Powerful, isn't it?

 

[arelia]

Powerful, isn't it?

The whole book is.

 

[Oblivion Lover]

@Nitromask
Yeah, I agree with you on that. To be honest I didn't really like that paragraph as it feels fake. I've never been an emotional person, specially around my parents, so saying that I'm sorry for killing myself because of them is a big lie. I'll remove most of it and incorporate some elements in other paragraphs.
@AnnaJaspers
Thank you! And yes, I agree with you! I thought I'd never be able to write a note because of my disorders, then one day I had a rare creative outburst and wrote the draft of this note, but now that my creativity is gone again I need help to finish it.
@arelia
I'm interested! Please PM me if you still have it. Also, if you don't mind answering, why do you think that the last paragraphs are not very elegant?