S
Secret
Member
- Feb 10, 2021
- 45
Please do not judge. Just ignore what I'm about to say if you are going to judge :(
I don't even know where to begin. I am 34, from Scotland and live with my mum and my animals. They are the reason why i am still here and have not ctb yet.
I have suffered from MH problems for many many years now. (Eating disorder, depression, C-PTSD, social and general anxiety, BPD, i self harm and of course suicidal ideation.
I can't work and i don't drive. I rely on my mum so much. I feel guilty about that.
People tell me to go to therapy, get help to 'feel better' - been there, done that, didn't work. Plus i got messed around by the mental health services so i do not trust them at all now. Why do people think that therapy is the go to answer for everything ? I am sure it helps many people, but some of us just don't want to go through that and get nowhere.
When i try to explain to people how terrified i am of the future, they say ''Aw yeah no one likes getting old'' - they aren't hearing what i am saying. i DO NOT want to be here for another 34 years. I cannot imagine it.
It feels like time is flying by so fast and it upsets me, it scares me.. Like i said above, i am only here because of my mum and my animals. When i am all alone, i will have nothing, then i plan on ctb.
I have never wanted to get married or have kids.
I haven't seen a friend in 12 years?
I feel like i need to have one or two methods sorted, so least i know? But i feel guilty and sad for thinking like that when i don't plan on doing it yet. But it is like i need to know what i am going to do? I don't know if that makes sense.
I see other people my age, living their lives, working, socialising, enjoying life and it all seems so alien to me. I really never thought i would end up like this, i didn't know where exactly i was heading in life, but i certainly didn't think i would be struggling to get through each day.
I dread the future. The fear is overwhelming, suffocating. Everything feels like it is out of control. I can't explain how much i worry about the future and everything. How much i panic about it. How i dread it.
I don't want to grow old.
I just don't think life is meant for me.
I overheard my mum admitting to my aunt that she doubts i would be here if it wasn't for my animals. Which is true. I know they say you shouldn't live for other people, but i am. I love my animals and my mum and i can't do that to them.
Thing is, i wish people understood that. I want them to stop telling me to seek help and go to therapy. I just don't want to, isn't that a valid reason? This is how i am. I can't imagine ever being 'well' or 'feeling better' - i have been like this for many many years now. The ship has sailed for me ever recovering or not feeling like this.
I just want to chat to people who can relate and understand where i am coming from.
I don't even know where to begin. I am 34, from Scotland and live with my mum and my animals. They are the reason why i am still here and have not ctb yet.
I have suffered from MH problems for many many years now. (Eating disorder, depression, C-PTSD, social and general anxiety, BPD, i self harm and of course suicidal ideation.
I can't work and i don't drive. I rely on my mum so much. I feel guilty about that.
People tell me to go to therapy, get help to 'feel better' - been there, done that, didn't work. Plus i got messed around by the mental health services so i do not trust them at all now. Why do people think that therapy is the go to answer for everything ? I am sure it helps many people, but some of us just don't want to go through that and get nowhere.
When i try to explain to people how terrified i am of the future, they say ''Aw yeah no one likes getting old'' - they aren't hearing what i am saying. i DO NOT want to be here for another 34 years. I cannot imagine it.
It feels like time is flying by so fast and it upsets me, it scares me.. Like i said above, i am only here because of my mum and my animals. When i am all alone, i will have nothing, then i plan on ctb.
I have never wanted to get married or have kids.
I haven't seen a friend in 12 years?
I feel like i need to have one or two methods sorted, so least i know? But i feel guilty and sad for thinking like that when i don't plan on doing it yet. But it is like i need to know what i am going to do? I don't know if that makes sense.
I see other people my age, living their lives, working, socialising, enjoying life and it all seems so alien to me. I really never thought i would end up like this, i didn't know where exactly i was heading in life, but i certainly didn't think i would be struggling to get through each day.
I dread the future. The fear is overwhelming, suffocating. Everything feels like it is out of control. I can't explain how much i worry about the future and everything. How much i panic about it. How i dread it.
I don't want to grow old.
I just don't think life is meant for me.
I overheard my mum admitting to my aunt that she doubts i would be here if it wasn't for my animals. Which is true. I know they say you shouldn't live for other people, but i am. I love my animals and my mum and i can't do that to them.
Thing is, i wish people understood that. I want them to stop telling me to seek help and go to therapy. I just don't want to, isn't that a valid reason? This is how i am. I can't imagine ever being 'well' or 'feeling better' - i have been like this for many many years now. The ship has sailed for me ever recovering or not feeling like this.
I just want to chat to people who can relate and understand where i am coming from.