Venting Fearing the future. No hope for me. This is how i am.

[Secret]

Please do not judge. Just ignore what I'm about to say if you are going to judge :(

I don't even know where to begin. I am 34, from Scotland and live with my mum and my animals. They are the reason why i am still here and have not ctb yet.

I have suffered from MH problems for many many years now. (Eating disorder, depression, C-PTSD, social and general anxiety, BPD, i self harm and of course suicidal ideation.
I can't work and i don't drive. I rely on my mum so much. I feel guilty about that.
People tell me to go to therapy, get help to 'feel better' - been there, done that, didn't work. Plus i got messed around by the mental health services so i do not trust them at all now. Why do people think that therapy is the go to answer for everything ? I am sure it helps many people, but some of us just don't want to go through that and get nowhere.
When i try to explain to people how terrified i am of the future, they say ''Aw yeah no one likes getting old'' - they aren't hearing what i am saying. i DO NOT want to be here for another 34 years. I cannot imagine it.

It feels like time is flying by so fast and it upsets me, it scares me.. Like i said above, i am only here because of my mum and my animals. When i am all alone, i will have nothing, then i plan on ctb.
I have never wanted to get married or have kids.
I haven't seen a friend in 12 years?

I feel like i need to have one or two methods sorted, so least i know? But i feel guilty and sad for thinking like that when i don't plan on doing it yet. But it is like i need to know what i am going to do? I don't know if that makes sense.

I see other people my age, living their lives, working, socialising, enjoying life and it all seems so alien to me. I really never thought i would end up like this, i didn't know where exactly i was heading in life, but i certainly didn't think i would be struggling to get through each day.
I dread the future. The fear is overwhelming, suffocating. Everything feels like it is out of control. I can't explain how much i worry about the future and everything. How much i panic about it. How i dread it.
I don't want to grow old.
I just don't think life is meant for me.

I overheard my mum admitting to my aunt that she doubts i would be here if it wasn't for my animals. Which is true. I know they say you shouldn't live for other people, but i am. I love my animals and my mum and i can't do that to them.
Thing is, i wish people understood that. I want them to stop telling me to seek help and go to therapy. I just don't want to, isn't that a valid reason? This is how i am. I can't imagine ever being 'well' or 'feeling better' - i have been like this for many many years now. The ship has sailed for me ever recovering or not feeling like this.

I just want to chat to people who can relate and understand where i am coming from.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly also see existing as not being for me, I would personally rather avoid all future suffering and harm, I feel so much dread when I think of existing for potentially decades longer. I just think that it's best not to talk to people who won't accept that suicide is a perfectly logical solution and won't even try to understand. The fact is that not everyone wants to exist here, and for some people existing is simply too unbearable, it's sad how people won't come to terms with that fact but it's the reality. I wish you the best.

 

[Secret]

I certainly also see existing as not being for me, I would personally rather avoid all future suffering and harm, I feel so much dread when I think of existing for potentially decades longer. I just think that it's best not to talk to people who won't accept that suicide is a perfectly logical solution and won't even try to understand. The fact is that not everyone wants to exist here, and for some people existing is simply too unbearable, it's sad how people won't come to terms with that fact but it's the reality. I wish you the best.

Thank you for replying.
Someone else just told me in a.mentsl health group on Facebook that if she can recover after everything she has been through, then I can too.

I am sick of not being listened to. What part of life not being for me don't they understand?

I'm a no hoper.
Other people dream of marriage, kids and growing old. I dream of the endless sleep.

 

[pickajack]

Sorry you're in pain and have been for so long. What kind of animals do you have?

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I'm Scottish as well, so I can empathise with you when it comes to how poor our mental health services are. They have blood on their hands. I have zero faith in them.

The passage of time is something that gives me the fear also. I'm about to turn 32 and it feels like only yesterday I was 13.

I'm resigned to the fact that life will never get better for me. I've stopped fighting it and am no longer willing to try a different medication, or undergo therapy. It'll be fruitless, as people like me will never live a normal life. I should never have been born.

Ideally, I'm just left alone to my own devices until I decide it's time. If I had it my way, nobody would ever be able to contact me again. Let me rot away in peace.

 

[SpiderLink]

Please do not judge. Just ignore what I'm about to say if you are going to judge :(

I don't even know where to begin. I am 34, from Scotland and live with my mum and my animals. They are the reason why i am still here and have not ctb yet.

I have suffered from MH problems for many many years now. (Eating disorder, depression, C-PTSD, social and general anxiety, BPD, i self harm and of course suicidal ideation.
I can't work and i don't drive. I rely on my mum so much. I feel guilty about that.
People tell me to go to therapy, get help to 'feel better' - been there, done that, didn't work. Plus i got messed around by the mental health services so i do not trust them at all now. Why do people think that therapy is the go to answer for everything ? I am sure it helps many people, but some of us just don't want to go through that and get nowhere.
When i try to explain to people how terrified i am of the future, they say ''Aw yeah no one likes getting old'' - they aren't hearing what i am saying. i DO NOT want to be here for another 34 years. I cannot imagine it.

It feels like time is flying by so fast and it upsets me, it scares me.. Like i said above, i am only here because of my mum and my animals. When i am all alone, i will have nothing, then i plan on ctb.
I have never wanted to get married or have kids.
I haven't seen a friend in 12 years?

I feel like i need to have one or two methods sorted, so least i know? But i feel guilty and sad for thinking like that when i don't plan on doing it yet. But it is like i need to know what i am going to do? I don't know if that makes sense.

I see other people my age, living their lives, working, socialising, enjoying life and it all seems so alien to me. I really never thought i would end up like this, i didn't know where exactly i was heading in life, but i certainly didn't think i would be struggling to get through each day.
I dread the future. The fear is overwhelming, suffocating. Everything feels like it is out of control. I can't explain how much i worry about the future and everything. How much i panic about it. How i dread it.
I don't want to grow old.
I just don't think life is meant for me.

I overheard my mum admitting to my aunt that she doubts i would be here if it wasn't for my animals. Which is true. I know they say you shouldn't live for other people, but i am. I love my animals and my mum and i can't do that to them.
Thing is, i wish people understood that. I want them to stop telling me to seek help and go to therapy. I just don't want to, isn't that a valid reason? This is how i am. I can't imagine ever being 'well' or 'feeling better' - i have been like this for many many years now. The ship has sailed for me ever recovering or not feeling like this.

I just want to chat to people who can relate and understand where i am coming from.

I'm so sorry that u r in this situation, I relate to a lot of your points. I hate that I'm alive for others, it just… doesn't feel a good reason to live. I fear so much for my future, even tho I'm 18… I can just picture my future and I know it'll be worse than what it is now. I remember when I first received help, I was SO grateful that my friend went out of her way and called authorities due to a message I sent to her. Although I was so scared, I felt I was heading into a good direction, but months, and now years have pasted and I'm actually in a worse position. Everytime I got my hopes up, I would get hurt further. Everytime something failed, it reflected back onto me and reinforce my core beliefs of myself. Only thing that can give me a smallest about of comfort is listening to a band named citizen solider, their based is on mental health. It's very relatable, and a punch through the heart with most of their lyrics. I've also been doing poetry, I often get rejected whenever I express how I'm feeling, poetry is a art piece, u can't really say this is bad. Anyways, just naming a couple things that could bring u a bit of comfort. I'm sorry your having a tough time, remember your not alone in feeling this way. I'm here if u ever want to dm me or anything. Sending hugs

 

[00nobody00]

Like you, I am only here because of my close loved ones. I am 36 years old and pretty recently I decided that I really want to die. I was planning a date and researching methods for months. But the more I though about leaving, the more I knew that my death would transfer my pain to my mom and brother and it breaks my heart and makes me cry every time I think about that. Ive pretty much decided to stay for them and make them my purpose in life for now. I figure my mom raised me and my brother by herself and I owe it to her to be around now that she is getting older to return the care she gave to me. I also fear my future and often compare myself to others my age which is not good to do, but I cant help it. I refuse to get therapy as well because I dont think its any good for me. Therapists and psyciatrists will just look at me as business. You are not alone in this struggle my friend. Some of us out here feel your pain and despair and one day we will find our peace. For now just be there for your mum and your animals because love is enough.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think a lot of people here will relate to you. Me included. I think the worst part of it all is this obligation that we SHOULD be trying to help ourselves and 'get better'. I'm terribly stubborn though- and selfish I suppose. I don't feel the need to 'get better'- for what? To make it more pleasant for other people to be around me? I'm not around other people though. I realise the next thing will be- well- that's part of the problem- you need to go out there and socialise. I don't want to though. None of us HAVE to do these things ultimately. MAYBE it would help us, maybe it woudn't. At the end of the day- surely it has to be up to us.

If you can find contentment living as you do- why not carry on? I'm similar to you but my focus has been being creative rather than animals- but even that's losing it's appeal for me now. Anyhow- I wish you all the best. I love animals and nature. I've heard Scotland is beautiful.