Fear of judgement

[sadsoul]

It's weird, I'm scared of judgement but it's not really a conscious thing. I don't have intense anxious thoughts or feelings of anxiety in social situations, at least not most of the time. But the fear of judgement is there, it affects my behavior massively. I try to avoid social situations, but when I can't I'm super inhibited, can't show emotions well and don't know what to say/don't want to say anything 'wrong'. I also feel like I can't relax, have fun and be myself. Maybe I somehow suppressed the fear of judgement as a means of coping. I feel quite alone with this experience and like no one truly understands me, and I often wonder if I really am scared of judgement or if I'm just stupid and incapable of socializing. Maybe both lol

 

[oopswronglife]

It's normal human emotion. Some people grow out of it or get so sick of it they flush the rest of their fucks to give down the drain, but some people just dig in and use it as another excuse to be shitty to other people. The experiential realization that A. Most people are so egotistical they never even think of you. so even their judgement is a hit and run based in their own feelings and need, and B. That most people's opinion isn't earned or important to your life (only those you respect should have a seat at the table at all) will both make this less stressful for you. Y

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

I hope it's alright for me to add to this thread, if not, please feel free to delete my response, I completely understand :,)

(my fear of judgement is strong to the point I fear I'll make a mess or hurt someone while writing this. It's as if while my mind doesn't mind me making a clown of myself, the anxiety in my chest is intense to the point I wish to lay in bed for two hours and cradle my head until I feel somewhat okay?)

@oopswronglife I like your response, I think you raise useful points. Thank you :)

I wonder if the fear of judgement could be dealt with in a positive (or at least constructive) way, besides ignoring it or trying to act in spite of it? Points A and B are
very useful to keep in mind :) But I've noticed that face to face interaction is rather fast, and the fears can be so intense, that trying to resist the pull of the pressing fears of judgement/standing out/making a mess of yourself in the heat of the moment may be futile? Are there any small 'baby' steps one could take, perhaps, to reduce the intensity of the fear? I've tried to hold fast to expressing my true emotions and thoughts before while conversing with someone, but the instinct of self-preservation ('Am I being an annoyance?', 'Is this a safe situation?', 'Are they right and am I just a stupid idiot who can't even speak?') is so strong, I can't control it, it's as if my mind can't breathe, sort of like a survival-mechanism? I would love to express myself honestly and with calmness, without being ruled by fear, so I didn't have to hold any pretenses nor don a porcelain mask, but that's rather tough, the fear seems to be so strong, and hence I withdraw into myself, feeling even more trapped inside and weak :S

(And please don't feel you need to respond to this babble, but any advice or insight you may have would be so appreciated <3)

@sadsoul I don't share your experiences, but I've had somewhat similar afflictions (although probably less noticeable) most of my life, I find it so tough because interactions make up so much of one's life, and not feeling secure in them can be quite demoralizing. :/ With many people, it's automatic for me to 'fake' react to what is being said, but it always feels so hollow, like what I'm doing is to appease them, and I can't express my true thoughts or emotions unless i feel safe (which is rare). My mind often uses the fear of judgement (which is ingrained in my mind, probably as a survival mechanism for self-preservation) to mold myself into what another wishes of me. During these times, I feel even more dehumanized as I don't feel like a person with my own thoughts or opinions anymore, but a slave filled with fear, subject to another's whims. I try to avoid social situations as well, as I feel like there is no way I could ever feel safe enough to express myself in a group setting, it's too much for my brain. I am trying to be more gentle with myself, ask more introspective questions in conversations (if I feel safe to do so) instead of 'gut answers' like "yeah" or "ok" or "mmhhmm", hold fast to my principles (mainly kindness), and keep the motto 'it's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not' in mind, but i find it only possible to do so with those I feel somewhat comfortable with. I wish I had more answers for you, beautiful soul, I'm so sorry I don't have the insight you need :( (I could try to think of solutions or steps which may help, if you wish?) But I do think @oopswronglife's response is nice to keep in mind, 'those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter' <3

 

[sunny.sativa]

I think this was a driving reason for me to become an asshole.

I realized that if I can't make everyone happy.. I sure as hell can make em all mad! Lmao this is shit humor, but I think that's subconsciously how it went down. I wasn't cool before, I couldn't relate to the people I wanted to fit in with, so I made a category just for myself and called it,"fuck all of you, don't talk to me"!!
This probably isn't the ideal way to live life but so much energy is wasted on pleasing people. No one gives a shit. No ones gonna remember me anyways, why give so much to them? In the end, it's me. Everyone else will be gone and dead or in .. I don't know, frankly I don't care. They'll be doing them and I'll have one person left to keep happy. That'll be me. And if I can't keep even me happy, I need to fuckin change.
I can only change for myself. That's why being alone is much easier. Changing for others is a waste because there's so many of them with different expectations. I know who I wanna be and if I decide one day that I want to be a completely different person, I don't have to worry about other opinions. Cause.. welp. There are none that I give a fuck about. Cause I'm alone. And it's bliss.


Uhhh tldr I guess: fuccem. They're gonna die, so are you. Do what the fuck you want. It'll come to ya.

 

[sadsoul]

With many people, it's automatic for me to 'fake' react to what is being said, but it always feels so hollow, like what I'm doing is to appease them, and I can't express my true thoughts or emotions unless i feel safe (which is rare).

I can definitely relate to this a lot. For me, not being myself and being so shy is something that happens automatically. It's not really something I can control. And even though I *know* that behaving like this is stupid and not necessary, I still do it. That's something that makes me nuts, the fact that I know that my shyness doesn't make much sense (and makes everything far worse than it would be if I were just being myself) but despite this knowledge I just can't stop being shy.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

@sadsoul I can only imagine how annoying and discouraging you must find it, to want to express yourself more freely, but still feel inhibited and unable to reduce your shyness :/ (If only I could wrap you in all the warmth and love so your mind could feel at ease! <3)

I too have not been able to change how my mind flairs up and turns to 'defense mode'; I've noticed myself perpetuating and riding off of the same fear and self-preservation which makes me feel shitty and further away from the person I wish to be. I've even entertained becoming mute and communicating through a white-board :D

Are you aware of may trigger your shyness, such as hearing someone's voice or seeing's another's face? Does your mind think or feel a certain way, or go through a certain inner 'routine' when faced with an interaction? Have you noticed yourself feeling a bit less inhibited in a specific type of scenario?

I've noticed for myself that my 'porcelain mask' is a means for my mind to 'protect' me, and I've also found that I want to seem as agreeable and pleasant as possible, but also invisible to any possible scrutiny, so I suppress myself? With this knowledge in mind, I try to 'tweak' what factors I can, such as who I speak with or when I do so. Or I try to be more slow with my replies and work against my mind to try to say what I truly wish to express, but often the fear can be too strong. A lot of my interactions are quite routine (like with my family) and I've found through observation that I still feel the same fear at the same intensity, and thus I continue to 'fake' react in order to preserve myself. My body doesn't deem it safe enough to 'open up' due to the consequences which may arise of doing so, so I will need to try to find a way to go through these interactions with some self-preservation, but also a bit more assertiveness. (this is damn tough, and I still haven't discovered any tips to try yet).

I really urge you to be gentle with yourself, beautiful soul. Your shyness isn't you , you are so much more, regardless on if the shyness is controllable or not <3 Have you tried to 'sit' with your shyness, and notice what triggers may be, how it looks like in your mind, the direct effects of it, the intensity, etc.? Is there anything which could be changed (externally), even if internally that may not be the case?

(I'll try to think of other potential tips or ideas and I'll get back to you if I come up with any :) ) And please let me know if I can be of any other assistance! I can't really offer much and I feel clueless myself, but I'll try my best <3

 

[HGL91]

It's normal human emotion. Some people grow out of it or get so sick of it they flush the rest of their fucks to give down the drain, but some people just dig in and use it as another excuse to be shitty to other people. The experiential realization that A. Most people are so egotistical they never even think of you. so even their judgement is a hit and run based in their own feelings and need, and B. That most people's opinion isn't earned or important to your life (only those you respect should have a seat at the table at all) will both make this less stressful for you. Y

Yeah, pretty sure most adults out of high school are too busy to spend time judging others.

I dropped out of life recently to make suicide easier, but before then, my mind was preoccupied with my boyfriend I lived with, our pets, my job, managing finances, and doing errands. I couldn't care less about remembering or thinking about the small talk I had with people the day before. I was too busy working to keep a roof over my head and keeping my boyfriend and pets happy.