I'm not even sure where to start honestly. I've been crying for a few hours now. I just feel so fucking pathetic and hopeless. The anxiety is overwhelming and every day I'm plagued with thoughts of dying because I'm just so goddamn miserable. Some of it is due to emotional/verbal abuse from family, some of it is due to my past, most is because of mental illness. I'm diagnosed with many things, the main being C-PTSD, Social Anxiety, Bipolar, and Selective Mutism. I have friends I could vent to, but most of them wouldn't "Get it" like you guys do. I've been dealing with this for most of my life and it feels like no matter what I do I'm getting nowhere. If anything I'm going backwards. I try so hard but most of the time I'm told I'm not trying at all. I'm expected to just go out and do things. Get a job, live my life. Fuck I wish I could. I went on a date yesterday, and as usual I fucked it all up. All was well at first, but then I shut down and went mute again. Guy ended up getting really frustrated and hasn't spoken to me since. I hate myself so much. I can't even do something as simple as speak. I should have grown out of this by now. At this point I fear I'll never get better. Everyone keeps insisting I will. "Just keep your head up", they say. "Don't give up. Try this, and this, and this." I'm fucking tired. It's a new pill every goddamn month, and they aren't doing a damn thing. I've been on so many pills I've lost count. Pills can't fix this. I'm not sure if anything can. I feel stupid even typing all of this out. It's embarrassing, and the thought of all of this makes me want to puke. I'm nauseous basically all the time either way though. It's one of the side effects of my medications. I really wish I could stop taking them but my doctor keeps putting me on new stuff instead of helping me off. The last thing I want to do is quit cold turkey but I've been considering it. I'm just sick of them. Hell, I'm sick of myself. I'm a waste of time and I'm surprised people still put up with me. My life is a story that never should have been written.
sorry for what you've gone through and what you're going through :(. It definitely is hard for friends or just regular and ordinary people in general to understand how you feel and ACTUALLY GET YOU; versus someone like a person on here, whos actually gone through it and feels the same emotions as yourself. dont feel like you're feeling are invalidated or anything, there extremely important. Its just for many who haven't gone through things to recognize pain and suffering, and genuinly wanna understand it. Hell, its hard for people to even recognize someone suffering or going through things in the first place.
As for the expectations, i feel the same way. Im always being told, forced and expected to go out and party, live life, do well in school, and above anything else; find a job. How do i tell people that if i can't even handle my own problems and misery right now, how im suppose to manage school, a social life and work altogether?? Some people just dont understand, and im sorry people around you dont understand it, and understand what ur going through. Everyone should be going on their own pace in going places and doing things in life. Stay on you're course, you're pace of things. Get a job, build and better yourself so you can enjoy life, at you're very own pace; dont let others dictate the pace that they want you to go on and just try and accelerate you're expectations. do it in a way where it takes however long it takes, not rushing it to get to these expectations of others because they want you to get there NOW. Find a job when ur ready, build and better urself now to live life to come.
Sorry that you're date didn't go well. You have no control over what's beyond you're control. Im really sorry about you're selective mutism, but that is no way you're fault or you're problem. Its beyond your control, period. The thing is, the guy probably didnt even know about you're selective mutism; so you just stopping the discussion and talking as a whole, makes it seem like you guys didnt vibe, and that the discussion and convo as a whole was dead because you didnt vibe; not because there was an actual legitimate reason for it. And i guess he mightve thought that you werent interested in him and either turned off by him somehow or he was turned off by you guys not vibing, and thus, hasnt spoken to you since. Perhaps being upfront with him about what you're dealing with, can give him some sort of actual understanding and moving forward an opportunity to be more open minded and thoughtful the next time, whether its for him or any other person.
As i said, we go through shit and GET THROUGH SHIT at our own speed, on our own time. It isn't you're fault at all you haven't bettered past such problems and im sorry you havent, yet. Toxic positivity such as "you'll get better", "you can do this", is extremely fake, negative, and just lacks compassion. it drains you, cause its what you always hear. It isnt what you should always hear. More than anything, those people saying this stuff should be wanting to genuinly understand you, hear you out, feel you're problems and pain; not just shut you up and get it over with by telling you "itll get better!" just like that.
Switch you're doctor, or whomever is giving you these pills. Get a new look, just a new perspective on how you should be treated. Talk to someone new about it, who knows? Perhaps they'll suggest something different, and be honest with how you're feeling about the pills, and how the pills make you feel.
You also said you had suffered abuse from you're family. Im extremely sorry about that; but if you STILL reside in that negative environment, in which you grew up in, in which you were abused by those who are suppose to do the opposite and love you. Get the hell out of there. Whatever you do in trying to get better, whether its through treatment, pills, just anything; it wont help AT ALL, till you let go and move on from what's holding you back, period. And if you're still in that negative environment that's made you feel so many ways, please find a way in moving out. Only then can you truly start fresh, and a new beginning in bettering yourself.
Again, really sorry about what you have and are going through. Hope that somehow things can turn around for you in life. Hope you find peace either in this life, or with whatever decision you choose to make.
