Venting Fantasizing about suicide

[Ailashan]

Right now i am on a state where i can't think about anything else than suicide. My math teacher has noticed my behaviour in class for the past weeks and the way everything in me is screaming "Im not alright". I guess that i couldn't pretend to be fine anymore after 6 years of suffering. To be honest, it kinda warmed my heart that someone cares, its not like my familly would. But i can't tell her. Its hard for me to focus on class or to even stay awake, i am constantly feeling tired and suicidal, and the need to kill myself isn't leaving me. I spend my time thinking about how i will die, how people would react, in a very unhealthy way. I often like to imaginate myself shooting my own heart and then get hugged by an imaginary person that would want me to live while my blood is spilling out of my body, until i die. I like hugs. I wish i had someone to hug me, but i don't. Can't trust people anymore. I feel a bit guilty about my dog, Artemis. She matters a lot to me and i hope she won't be too sad the day i die. Sorry for being a bad owner, Arty. I wanna do it so badly but i have almost nothing that could help me to ctb without too much pain. I got a pretty thick leash to hang myself but can't attach it anywhere in the house. Im too young to afford myself a gun or meds. I don't wanna bother people by dying in public. I know i won't die to cutting my own wrists. Not very reliable. I'm sad.