w4itingforthesun
always sorry
- Mar 20, 2026
- 5
for so many years i've been suicidal. i can remember self harming ever since probably as young as 4th grade. i can even remember a time where i tried choking myself with a necklace i was wearing when i dont even remember how old i was. ive been so miserable for so long. its never gone away, just changed forms throughout my whole life. i remember having phases where for days or weeks the only thing i could think about was how i would end my life or when the best time would be to do it. of course i never could because ive never had the materials to try and attempt, but its been the most consistent thing through my life to envision the moments where i end myself. this hasn't gone away, the strength at which i feel this way has only increased, there are moments i burst into tears and can only wish and hope that i can stop existing. i fantasize about the ways i would go out, about how if i could easily do what i needed to leave my misery i would in an instant. my heart feels so heavy, ive spent my whole life wishing i wasn't even living it. i want it to end so badly. it's not even like i don't have friends or people who don't care about me. i do. and it's selfish of me to feel this way i'm completely aware, but i just don't care. i hate living i hate this world i hate my body i hate myself and i would do anything to obtain an eternal rest. i dont feel like i belong in this world, i cant imagine myself being here for more than a few more years at most. it sounds so wrong and gross of me to say this but i'm so jealous of the people who were able to plan out their methods because i can only ever fantasize and dream about it. i don't have money. i don't live by myself. i can't travel. i can't escape my misery. i beg for this world to find a way to take me out so i dont have to do it myself. im impatiently waiting for the day i can finally be free
