Family thinks ctb is easy. They gave permission but when I tell them it's really hard, they accuse me of wanting to live. Think I am being dramatic.

[iminhell]

Husband and son finally gave permission. I am seriously physically ill, in bad cognitive and financial decline (please read my first post-- it explains how objectively horrifying my life is). I need to ctb even more than I want to. I am all in.

I tried to explain that it's really hard to ctb. Really hard to source for it, or construct it, go undetected, etc. That it's looking impossible for me in my condition to accomplish it.

My son actually wants me to go because he sees what's coming, the physical, mental and financial suffering. Thinks I just need to get a little kayak and paddle out to sea and, hey presto, just drown. Undetected on the super crowded coast, even at night. That beaches don't get closed at night or patrolled. That drowning with a handful of pills is easy. It's heart breaking because he has finally accepted this, wants this and thinks I am just defeatist.

My husband has exploded because I was thinking about going tonight with my stash but I realize I don't have nearly enough -- just benzos and sleeping pills. He has actually left and said he thinks I am just full of sh*t -- even though he is the one who takes me to the doctors and hears the diagnoses. Says he is through with me. And a lot worse went on.

I am scared because he is actually crazy and in complete control of our lives-- financially and otherwise. He is my caregiver and I am his captive. He literally just said, "Live your life" after being a main reason -- directly and indirectly -- why I am losing my vision and hearing, have a broken nose and broken back, have SIADH, incontinence , colon and gi problems, and a lot more ( again, read my story for details).

How do people not know how hard it is to ctb?

 

[IMAFRAIDDAVE]

People forget that as humans we have literal defense mechanisms built into our brains to protect ourselves.

The concept of dying is scary no matter how much you want it, wanting to live and being afraid to go through with something are very different.

I hope you find peace, I am so sorry you have had to deal with all that shit. People are cruel and the world is even crueler.

 

[Rihan]

Thinks I just need to get a little kayak and paddle out to sea and, hey presto, just drown.

I firmly believe that if suicide were this easy, a much bigger portion of the population would already have died by suicide by now. It's very invalidating to be told that it's easy. I somewhat envy them for being so blissfully ignorant.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

Normal people don't think like we do. We know the struggles of the emotions we go through when we plan on ctb. No, it isn't easy, if it were, all of us would already be gone.

They don't understand the survival instincts that kicks in as your body struggles to survive. If it didn't, all of us who have attempted, would be gone.

Your son sounds like he doesn't want you to go, but also knows you will be free from all the pain you suffer from. My oldest daughter is the same way, she doesn't want me to go, but she knows I'll be better off.

Many hugs to you.

 

[sickofeverything]

I firmly believe that if suicide were this easy, a much bigger portion of the population would already have died by suicide by now. It's very invalidating to be told that it's easy. I somewhat envy them for being so blissfully ignorant.

Oh you are absolutely correct, no matter how much people try to stigmatize suicide and mental health and all of it, if it was easy half the people who brush off suicide as the easy way out would have done it as well. I just tried several times and the pain and si is making it so difficult

 

[Quietist]

I get they may be fed up with your expression of wanting to die, but the fact that they are "frustrated" that you haven't done it yet is fucking cruel.

Your post just filled me with so much sympathy and compassion for you.

I'm so fucking sorry you have to deal with this, the physical issues and the shitty environment - I can relate to both of those things.

 

[iminhell]

People forget that as humans we have literal defense mechanisms built into our brains to protect ourselves.

The concept of dying is scary no matter how much you want it, wanting to live and being afraid to go through with something are very different.

I hope you find peace, I am so sorry you have had to deal with all that shit. People are cruel and the world is even crueler.

Thank you. I am not scared to die. I am desolate and despairing that it's come to this. I am terrified that I have to live this life: dementia, vision loss, SIADH, kidney disease, arthritis, poverty, no health care, and way more .

I wasn't afraid at all in my first two attempts. I was just so, so sad, thinking about my son and how this was all so, so unnecessary and all because of psychiatry (first one failed because of SI, second on because I was detected).

Normal people don't think like we do. We know the struggles of the emotions we go through when we plan on ctb. No, it isn't easy, if it were, all of us would already be gone.

They don't understand the survival instincts that kicks in as your body struggles to survive. If it didn't, all of us who have attempted, would be gone.

Your son sounds like he doesn't want you to go, but also knows you will be free from all the pain you suffer from. My oldest daughter is the same way, she doesn't want me to go, but she knows I'll be better off.

Many hugs to you.

SI is real, it foiled my first attempt. But honestly, the much bigger obstacle for me is sourcing or constructing the method without detection. And knowing that even if I did it all right, most suicides fail. I can't afford to end up back in the psych ward. I cannot afford more brain damage or other damage.

It just looks impossible.

I get they may be fed up with your expression of wanting to die, but the fact that they are "frustrated" that you haven't done it yet is fucking cruel.

I damn near have a heart of stone and your post just filled me with so much sympathy and compassion for you.

I'm so fucking sorry you have to deal with this, the physical issues and the shitty environment - I can relate to both.