Family Suicides

[Nothingness91827]

I come from a family where suicide is part of the exit pattern. My father, grandfather, aunt, and 3 1st cousins all took their own lives. There's a 7th I am unsure of. She mentioned killing herself many times, but she OD'd on fent, so it might not have been suicide.

I know this has shaped me in so many subtle ways I can't know. However, in the obvious ways it's given me that exit button as a release.

4 of the 6 the members that took their lives all suffered from heightened perception of sound, touch, feeling, perception, high IQ, and were on the autistic spectrum. We call'ed it seeing too much, feeling too much. I'm the last one left alive. I've self medicated to function.

I'm tired of simply existencing for existences stake. I don't care about my lost potential. I've already lived my childhood dream. I've had a wonderfull life with the highest of highs and the lowest of the lows.

I'm ready for the movie to end.

 

[hdead]

I think I read somewhere that suicidality can be genetic. Might be the case.

Aside from it 'running in the family' so to speak, I do relate a lot to what you have written. Although the heightened perception has made my life into a joyous experience at some stages, in others it's just pure agony. There's just no way to filter it out. Nothing goes unnoticed, wether you like it or not. Having a high IQ (tested several times, median 128) now only seems like a fun party trick where people go 'Oh you're so smart with words!' or some shit like that. Others just get jealous. Bro, don't be jealous. At this stage, I'd rather be stupid and ignorant instead of contemplating taking my own life. I have also self medicated to function, but that has it's end for sure.

Anyway, I agree with you. Existing for the sake of existing is done and dusted. I've done what I wanted and could do, now I'm just waiting to finish up.

Thanks for sharing, it's somehow nice to know that there are more people akin to myself choosing a similar exit.

 

[Nothingness91827]

I think I read somewhere that suicidality can be genetic. Might be the case.

Aside from it 'running in the family' so to speak, I do relate a lot to what you have written. Although the heightened perception has made my life into a joyous experience at some stages, in others it's just pure agony. There's just no way to filter it out. Nothing goes unnoticed, wether you like it or not. Having a high IQ (tested several times, median 128) now only seems like a fun party trick where people go 'Oh you're so smart with words!' or some shit like that. Others just get jealous. Bro, don't be jealous. At this stage, I'd rather be stupid and ignorant instead of contemplating taking my own life. I have also self medicated to function, but that has it's end for sure.

Anyway, I agree with you. Existing for the sake of existing is done and dusted. I've done what I wanted and could do, now I'm just waiting to finish up.

Thanks for sharing, it's somehow nice to know that there are more people akin to myself choosing a similar exit.

It's so rare to speak with someone who understands. The gift is the curse viewed at from an alternative perspective. I'd take the opium for the masses if I could. I'd be happily ignorant, but that's as likely as me self medicating to perfection.