Family subtly implied that I am a “whore”

[Gabbi_Station]

My brother-in-law started joking that Salt-N-Pepa's song "None of your Business" was a "me" kind of song when it popped up on his playlist…this isn't the first time he or my sister have implied that they thought I was a "slut". It's literally been ten years of this. My dad has also implied it when I used to go out with friends when I was living with him in my twenties.

My sister just sat there when I asked him JUST what that meant when I got upset (he tried to deflect that it was just about the year the song came out/the music I grew up with…keep in mind I was born in 1992…the song was released in 1993). No defending me. No telling him to stop. No support.

My sister of course gaslit me when I complained about it to her later, like she always does, that I was just "too sensitive". I had just helped her out too just a couple weeks ago at her business when her employees called out because of COVID.

I don't really have sex because my father was physically and emotionally abusive, and as a result I just always feel frightened of men; they've often joked in the past about me being a lesbian or asexual too- I just can't ever win, no matter what I do.

I texted her two days ago that I felt sad about being unmarried/feeling like I was wasting my life working with kids; so I don't think it's a coincidence he made that comment….

I just…sat in my room crying today and thinking about how much they have ruined everything in my life. Sex. A proper Education (I was constantly pulled out of school to take care of my mentally ill mother). Socialization growing up (I was heavily isolated because my mom was afraid my dad would be reported for abuse). Food. Clothing. Unconditional love. Everything. How they constantly just make me feel terrible for even wanting normal things like intimacy or food…or wanting to be "myself", instead of what they want me to be.

How they always somehow manage to make me feel just so utterly disgusted with myself…and how it all led to me having problems with self harm, eating disorders, and suicide.

I would move out…but I am in so much debt after graduate school and can't afford housing. I hate being back in my hometown but there's no real options to move out of state. The last apartment I had didn't go well.

I just don't think I can take another year of this; I think I am going to CBT.

I really tried to start a "new" life with grad school…but in some ways, I think I just managed to put myself in bigger debit and I still have no "real" career, no matter how many times I apply to jobs in my field instead of being trapped in childcare.

I used to think about CBTing in the woods or somewhere where they wouldn't find the body…but now I am not sure that I care. Maybe it's cruel, but I want my family to know just how far they pushed me over the years. I don't care if they're traumatized when they find my body.

 

[seraph189]

It sounds like you aren't very close to your family? If I'm reading this correctly. I have to ask, why do you care? I'm sorry to read some of the abusive things that have happened to you, that's disgusting. None of anything I have read, makes you a lesser person. I can only imagine how suffocated you feel, especially with a family so judgemental. I can understand your desire for your family to feel the trauma they have caused you, by finding your body. I've kinda been going over a similar scenario in my head recently, don't give up yet though. You don't have to feel so isolated, you have people you can talk to here. People who understand how you are feeling at this very moment, a positive turn could be just around the corner

 

[Gabbi_Station]

Idk why I still care…. I guess after a while it just all builds up. All the insults. All the control. All the abuse. The hard part of abuse, is even with all the hate and anger…a bizarre part of you still does love your family and want them to love you back.

I tried to go to therapy, but I often felt like none of my therapists had a great answer as to how to deal with all the trauma and my anger. How to disentangle myself from my family's control. If anything, my last therapist more or less just told me that I needed to accept things the way they were. Accept the limitations- I wouldn't have the a career I wanted. I wouldn't move from my home state to somewhere new.That I just needed to accept that my family would always overstep boundaries and it would be hard to cut them out of my life since I wasn't financially dependent. If anything it just convinced me to try CBT again, more than anything.

During the first stint of therapy, when I was nineteen, my sister used to write my therapist ten page letters…she'd argue it was because she was worried, but the truth was she was afraid I would say my father was abusive and in the letters she'd go on about how much problems I was causing her and the family.

I just really hate how society has left a lot of people trapped. In this day and age, you can't get away from your family because you need them as guaranteers or help paying for therapy or whatever. And they constantly hold this over my head. It's just miserable

 

[Worndown]

Not all families are supportive. Add your fathers story, and it sounds like they have their share of untreated issues.
Have you talked with anyone about your father issues? That might help you live a better life. You are not alone with those problems and you deserve the best life you can have.
CTB is a personal choice that only you can make. We can only suggest options to explore that may be helpful.
As far as finding the body, someone will. There are too many people in this world and they wander everywhere.
Plus, don't live or die because of them. Live or die for you. I hope all goes well.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

Not all families are supportive. Add your fathers story, and it sounds like they have their share of untreated issues.
Have you talked with anyone about your father issues? That might help you live a better life. You are not alone with those problems and you deserve the best life you can have.
CTB is a personal choice that only you can make. We can only suggest options to explore that may be helpful.
As far as finding the body, someone will. There are too many people in this world and they wander everywhere.
Plus, don't live or die because of them. Live or die for you. I hope all goes well.

Yeah- I have tried therapy a few times and didn't find it helpful and frankly felt like talking about past trauma was making my mental health worse/I felt making my anger and resentment worse; my family was helping pay for it though, so it was always kind of slanted.

Pressured to take antidepressants the first time and my sister writing letters to my therapist, even after the therapist asked her to stop (she even tracked down her private email).

The second time my sister found the therapist because my dad was never going to do it after my psych hold and I didn't want to go back to therapy after the first time but didn't have a choice. I have suspicions she was writing letters/in contact with that one too- my therapist told me she called her when I was talking about quitting therapy after a year and she advised me to "accept my family and life for what it was" and more or less stop trying to find something better. Idk- I just felt like that therapist and I were at a disconnect from the beginning and over time it just got worse.

The idea of having to go through another therapist and trod out my life story again just sounds depressing. I specifically told my second therapist that I wanted to focus on making goals for the future/getting away from dependency on my family and to finally be an individual…and I just felt like she just wanted to focus solely on the past.

 

[FlufflesAway]

I think we've both had bad therapists. I get it in some way: if you're in a normal or semi-normal environment a therapist might try and get you to "accept" your situation, but if you're in an abusive environment that's not good. I find it hard to talk openly with the therapists I've seen. I just don't know how to explain how fucked up my life was/is. I physically can't do it. My body won't let me. I've been asked to write my life down on paper and bring it in to the next session. I can't. Writing it down makes it feel more real, and there's so many things I just can't/don't want to remember. But maybe it's something you're strong enough to do? That way you have a written record, and can pass it on to each therapists until you find one you genuinely click with.

I can't forgive my family. I understand they themselves are mentally ill, but they should have had the innate humanness not to have abused us like they did.

If it's safe I'd suggest trying to distance yourself from your family. My family were awful. They're the only ones who beat me. They're the only ones who starved me. They're the only ones who belittled me. Strangers are saints compared to my family. That's so fucked up. Sorry.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

Yeah- I'm sorry for your situation; it's hard when the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally…don't. It really does just mess you up for most of your life; I think it's why it got so under my skin- sex and intimacy is already hard for me…. I already have fear and anxiety around it.

I just always feel like I am trying to get the therapist to "like me", because I feel inherently unlikable. None of the rhetoric around "giving yourself space/empathy" really works either. That's why it just never seemed to help with self harm or my eating disorder; I just never really believe that I deserve "good things".

I just feel tired of rehashing my past to some stranger that I am paying to care. I'm tired of sifting through it over and over again, because I never "feel" better talking about it. I just feel like I am reliving it again and again.

 

[Worndown]

Yeah- I have tried therapy a few times and didn't find it helpful and frankly felt like talking about past trauma was making my mental health worse/I felt making my anger and resentment worse; my family was helping pay for it though, so it was always kind of slanted.

Pressured to take antidepressants the first time and my sister writing letters to my therapist, even after the therapist asked her to stop (she even tracked down her private email).

The second time my sister found the therapist because my dad was never going to do it after my psych hold and I didn't want to go back to therapy after the first time but didn't have a choice. I have suspicions she was writing letters/in contact with that one too- my therapist told me she called her when I was talking about quitting therapy after a year and she advised me to "accept my family and life for what it was" and more or less stop trying to find something better. Idk- I just felt like that therapist and I were at a disconnect from the beginning and over time it just got worse.

The idea of having to go through another therapist and trod out my life story again just sounds depressing. I specifically told my second therapist that I wanted to focus on making goals for the future/getting away from dependency on my family and to finally be an individual…and I just felt like she just wanted to focus solely on the past.

I get where being able to process the past can allow you to move forward more easily, but you need a goal to move to. Not all therapists are a good match.
Having goals is good. It gives you something to live for. You seem to have a good handle on your past.
I hope you can work this out in a way that works for you, whatever choice you make.