family & friends.

[jacrispy]

I've been going through a major depressive episode for several months. trying to give people the not so subtle hint that I won't be here much longer never seems to get through to them. I've constantly told my friends and family "I'm not going to get through this" and not a single one of them takes that seriously. they always rebuttal with "you've been through hard times before and gotten through them. you will be okay some day." instead of actually listening to how bad the hurt is, it's easier for them to offer some sort of affirmation than it is to just listen. users of this site understand that better than anyone. it's much more validating to hear "hey, I don't understand what you're feeling or going through, but it seems like it really fucking sucks. do you want a hug? a shoulder to cry on?" offering positivity and making it sound like things will get better when in the back of our minds we know it won't is salt on the wound.
I desperately wish people would take the words "I don't want to live" seriously. some people use it to manipulate and for attention, but others (like most/all of us) are being sincere and honest about how we feel. I'm trying to convey that I won't be here much longer and open up to people so they can spend time with me beforehand, but having that honesty doesn't seem to get through to them. if we could just discuss our feelings openly, the damage of leaving wouldn't be so bad and others could prepare themselves for it. unfortunately that's often not possible without being committed to a psych ward or being under surveillance at home. meds, therapy, going out with friends, finding hobbies, nothing can help to ease the pain once you reach a certain point. if you have tried everything that's recommended to "get better" then why do people want you to stay and suffer? I've put in the effort and the work, told people how bad I'm suffering and nothing has gotten better. no one would guilt a cancer patient for being resistant to chemo, so why do I need to feel more guilt than I already do just because it's something with my brain instead of my physical body? the more time goes on, the more it's easy to see how blind the world is to suffering.

 

[Kerrtu]

@jacrispy - your posts are always on point and I think of you as a lighthouse here in this forum. Your patience and compassion towards others as you yourself are suffering tremendously only shows how big of a heart you have, and how deserving of peace and relief you are - however it may be.

You are spot on when you say:

I've constantly told my friends and family "I'm not going to get through this" and not a single one of them takes that seriously. they always rebuttal with "you've been through hard times before and gotten through them. you will be okay some day." instead of actually listening to how bad the hurt is, it's easier for them to offer some sort of affirmation than it is to just listen. users of this site understand that better than anyone. it's much more validating to hear "hey, I don't understand what you're feeling or going through, but it seems like it really fucking sucks. do you want a hug? a shoulder to cry on?" offering positivity and making it sound like things will get better when in the back of our minds we know it won't is salt on the wound.

I may be wrong, but it sounds very much like "toxic positivity" or however anyone would like to call it. Frustrating doesn't capture how truly awful it is to be suffering so blatantly only to be hit with blinding and empty sentiments.

It hurts even more when you've tried everything, only to be dismissed.



I remember sending this to my partner - he was very much "good vibes only!" and while this is a simple example and diagram, I feel it rings true.

 

[jacrispy]

@jacrispy - your posts are always on point and I think of you as a lighthouse here in this forum. Your patience and compassion towards others as you yourself are suffering tremendously only shows how big of a heart you have, and how deserving of peace and relief you are - however it may be.

You are spot on when you say:

I've constantly told my friends and family "I'm not going to get through this" and not a single one of them takes that seriously. they always rebuttal with "you've been through hard times before and gotten through them. you will be okay some day." instead of actually listening to how bad the hurt is, it's easier for them to offer some sort of affirmation than it is to just listen. users of this site understand that better than anyone. it's much more validating to hear "hey, I don't understand what you're feeling or going through, but it seems like it really fucking sucks. do you want a hug? a shoulder to cry on?" offering positivity and making it sound like things will get better when in the back of our minds we know it won't is salt on the wound.

I may be wrong, but it sounds very much like "toxic positivity" or however anyone would like to call it. Frustrating doesn't capture how truly awful it is to be suffering so blatantly only to be hit with blinding and empty sentiments.

It hurts even more when you've tried everything, only to be dismissed.

View attachment 119305

I remember sending this to my partner - he was very much "good vibes only!" and while this is a simple example and diagram, I feel it rings true.

you're 100% right with that diagram and I'm sorry you had to experience that with your partner. it seems that people can mean well, but constantly being told things will get better and that you should just be more positive with your outlook can feel very dehumanizing. if you struggle with depression (I have MDD) it can be hard to grasp just how awful the feeling is. people can be there for you, tell you they love you, etc. but a majority of the time they fail to truly listen. there is always a profound sense of guilt with wanting to die, as it will impact those close to us. what people fail to understand is that the goal isn't to hurt them; it's that staying alive is worse than not being here anymore. no one would want an animal suffering in pain after being hit by a car to continue going on. that's merely what we are in this state of mind; wounded animals. when you really take a step back and view the world for what it is, there's nothing but endless suffering. you may get a good day here and there, but ultimately we will all grow old, our bodies will shut down, we'll lose everyone we care about due to natural death occurring. in its own strange way, wanting to forego that pain in favor of dying young before that inevitable decline of life occurs does make sense. you are very sensible and wise. we may have only talked back and forth on the forum discussions, but I do resonate with you deeply. whether you choose to carry on or find another option, you deserve peace. thank you for always contributing thoughtful insight into this mindset and being kind. it goes a long way.

 

[Tionally]

My friends are like that too. I've been dropping hints that I'm not okay and that I'll probably won't be here but I suppose they don't seem to care.
Maybe your family and friends don't understand how it is to go through something like this? People on here are also in pain so maybe that's why their support is better.
Either way it sucks that they automatically assume that you'll be okay. Maybe they're saying that to themselves to feel better..?
I don't know but I'm sorry you're going through this

 

[nocturnal]

Try to find comfort in your own sadness thats how i cope with it, i stopped trying to seek validation from anyone a long time ago the only validation i need is from myself its as if there are 2 different souls in my body im not trying to sound edgy and weird. Here in Qatar no one believes in ''depression'' its like a phase everyone gets out of and yet i havent gotten out of it. I'm in the military right now and the only thing making me keep going is my own will and my familys expectations of me. if you need someone to talk to im here.

 

[jacrispy]

My friends are like that too. I've been dropping hints that I'm not okay and that I'll probably won't be here but I suppose they don't seem to care.
Maybe your family and friends don't understand how it is to go through something like this? People on here are also in pain so maybe that's why their support is better.
Either way it sucks that they automatically assume that you'll be okay. Maybe they're saying that to themselves to feel better..?
I don't know but I'm sorry you're going through this

I'm sorry you're going through that. I was in an abusive relationship and they're treating it like a normal breakup. it's also harder for me to be taken seriously because I'm a man and there's a stigma that women cannot be abusive. my friends don't seem to believe how awful it was. they may be trying to make themselves feel better and lessen the guilt if something did happen. I don't know either. at this point I'm going to cease contact with them. it's much easier.

Try to find comfort in your own sadness thats how i cope with it, i stopped trying to seek validation from anyone a long time ago the only validation i need is from myself its as if there are 2 different souls in my body im not trying to sound edgy and weird. Here in Qatar no one believes in ''depression'' its like a phase everyone gets out of and yet i havent gotten out of it. I'm in the military right now and the only thing making me keep going is my own will and my familys expectations of me. if you need someone to talk to im here.

that does not sound edgy nor weird. it's a belief, which you are more than entitled to have. being in the military can be very damaging from what I have personally seen, so coupling that with your depression must be a lot to handle. if you have something keeping you going, hold onto that. no one wants to see anyone here take their life, just for the pain to end. whether that is through living or by other means, you deserve to find some semblance of peace. the offer to talk also extends to you. you will be in my thoughts.

 

[dialogos]

I'm sorry you're going through that. I was in an abusive relationship and they're treating it like a normal breakup. it's also harder for me to be taken seriously because I'm a man and there's a stigma that women cannot be abusive. my friends don't seem to believe how awful it was. they may be trying to make themselves feel better and lessen the guilt if something did happen. I don't know either. at this point I'm going to cease contact with them. it's much easier.

that does not sound edgy nor weird. it's a belief, which you are more than entitled to have. being in the military can be very damaging from what I have personally seen, so coupling that with your depression must be a lot to handle. if you have something keeping you going, hold onto that. no one wants to see anyone here take their life, just for the pain to end. whether that is through living or by other means, you deserve to find some semblance of peace. the offer to talk also extends to you. you will be in my thoughts.

So the meds they gave you doesn't give any relief?
Is there anything that gives you joy or relaxation even if it is fleeting?
What's your age?
If you don't mind.

 

[FuneralCry]

Sadly I just think that most people will refuse to accept that suicide is even a valid option in the first place which is why I would never see it as being a good idea being open about wanting to die as so many people won't even try to understand. It's really so insensitive when people invalidate suffering with forced positivity.

 

[jacrispy]

So the meds they gave you doesn't give any relief?
Is there anything that gives you joy or relaxation even if it is fleeting?
What's your age?
If you don't mind.

nothing gives relief or joy anymore. I'm in my 20s.

 

[dialogos]

nothing gives relief or joy anymore. I'm in my 20s.

I imagine you got full bloodwork, tested for thyroid hormones and testerone?
Low levels of either or both can make you zestless.
Citiscan, MRI shows no problems with the brain?
Anyway, I think you've tried every option.

 

[jacrispy]

I imagine you got full bloodwork, tested for thyroid hormones and testerone?
Low levels of either or both can make you zestless.
Citiscan, MRI shows no problems with the brain?
Anyway, I think you've tried every option.

yeah. been dealing with this since I was diagnosed at 16. gone through all the tests imaginable. even resorted to ECT in 2016. still nothing helped.

 

[cheese.out]

So sorry to hear all this pain you are going through. It is really fucked up how you can literally tell someone that you wanna kill youself and they just kinda ignore it or say some "you will get through this" bullshit.

I also try to tell my friends that i have a problem with benzos and opioids bc those substances are the only things at the time that give me some comfort during my depressive episode but the only answer i get is "just stop taking them" or "it will get better again".

 

[dialogos]

yeah. been dealing with this since I was diagnosed at 16. gone through all the tests imaginable. even resorted to ECT in 2016. still nothing helped.

I'm sorry to hear that. Its sad that modern medicine still doesn't have the answer for everyone.
Its tragic. My heart goes out to you

So sorry to hear all this pain you are going through. It is really fucked up how you can literally tell someone that you wanna kill youself and they just kinda ignore it or say some "you will get through this" bullshit.

I also try to tell my friends that i have a problem with benzos and opioids bc those substances are the only things at the time that give me some comfort druing my depressive episode but the only answer i get is "just stop taking them" or "it will get better again".

 

[jessisme]

People see what they want to see and most everyone is eager to write their own happy ending. I think it's easier to dismiss hard realities rather than address them in ways that can be meaningful. I'm sorry your friends and family keep taking the "easy way out." It's not helpful.

 

[Kerrtu]

@jacrispy - I had meant to write more yesterday but sleep and time have been strange.

I have MDD as well. I believe it's referred to sometimes as a black dog or pack of black dogs that follow a person. I happen to love dogs so maybe it was just meant to be.

In The Jaws of Black Dogs: A memoir of Depression

The link is to a review of the book, and I don't particularly care for paragraph 2 when the critic describes author John Bentley Mays as hardly fitting the stereotype of a mood disorder patient. The author would've been annoyed - I feel there is no stereotype.

John Bentley Mays Wiki

Anyhow, I was re-reading through the thread and wanted to ask about your ECT experience, specifically if it gave you any period of relief? I went through 2 courses of ECT inpatient, so approx 20 "shocks"; the psychiatrist was kind of hesitant due to my history of TBI's but I didn't care - I really was after that sweet, sweet anesthesia. Every time, right before I'd go under, the anesthesiologist would say, "Have a good nap, darling."

He wore these sunglasses that looked like they were straight from the set of Casino: