yeahokbuddyboy
Member
- Nov 4, 2023
- 45
So, like many new people here, I chose to go with sodium nitrite. I read all the megathreads and the SN bible and whatnot, just didn't read up on my brands, apparently. So my Pro-Cure is getting here on Monday, and I planned to do it that night. I just happened to stumble across a thread today about how Pro-Cure is not legit SN, some even going so far as to say it's just mislabeled nitrAte. If that's true, I'm so angry at this stupid company and my own stupid self for buying it without research.
Everything just got way more complicated, as I've planned everything around dying next week. I've slacked off on school and work HARD and having to go through another week will be brutal, not to mention being forced to live through Thanksgiving and pretend I'm fine.
I didn't realize exactly how much I really wanted to die until I learned this. I was assuming the SN would be legit and pure and it was most likely I'd die if I followed protocol. I was like weirdly at peace with the small possibility of it not working as long as I did everything I could to make sure I died. I know a failed attempt would be worse than I could imagine, but I had this weird little hope that maybe if it happened, it would open up a way out or something, I don't know lol. Maybe part of it is that I feel like if I punish and hurt myself bad enough, something will shift in my life and I'll go back to how I used to feel. But I know that's stupid. But know that I know I'd probably survive the Pro-Cure I just want certain death.
I don't know where else to get legit SN, let alone soon. I'm so frustrated and angry.
My backup methods are CO poisoning via grill in my car or hanging myself with a belt or something. Charcoal will be more complicated because I need a lot more time and to be alone for longer, plus I'm probably ruining the interior of my car so my family probably won't want to keep it. And I don't know if I have the balls for hanging. I really would prefer dying in my car because I love being in my car, plus I can listen to music and drive wherever I want to die; just a matter of figuring out where is safe to park. But I haven't been able to find any info on belt hanging in a car and my common sense tells me there's probably not a good way to go about that ergonomically.
I don't know any more. I'm sure this seems petty compared to what a lot of you go through on the daily but it kinda crushed me. For months I've been feeling like an empty shell and like my guts have been hollowed out. I hate myself and I don't deserve to live. I can count on one hand all the people that care about me that don't have to by default and I've failed every single one of them. I just want to get this over with; fail them one last time so I can't any more.
Everything just got way more complicated, as I've planned everything around dying next week. I've slacked off on school and work HARD and having to go through another week will be brutal, not to mention being forced to live through Thanksgiving and pretend I'm fine.
I didn't realize exactly how much I really wanted to die until I learned this. I was assuming the SN would be legit and pure and it was most likely I'd die if I followed protocol. I was like weirdly at peace with the small possibility of it not working as long as I did everything I could to make sure I died. I know a failed attempt would be worse than I could imagine, but I had this weird little hope that maybe if it happened, it would open up a way out or something, I don't know lol. Maybe part of it is that I feel like if I punish and hurt myself bad enough, something will shift in my life and I'll go back to how I used to feel. But I know that's stupid. But know that I know I'd probably survive the Pro-Cure I just want certain death.
I don't know where else to get legit SN, let alone soon. I'm so frustrated and angry.
My backup methods are CO poisoning via grill in my car or hanging myself with a belt or something. Charcoal will be more complicated because I need a lot more time and to be alone for longer, plus I'm probably ruining the interior of my car so my family probably won't want to keep it. And I don't know if I have the balls for hanging. I really would prefer dying in my car because I love being in my car, plus I can listen to music and drive wherever I want to die; just a matter of figuring out where is safe to park. But I haven't been able to find any info on belt hanging in a car and my common sense tells me there's probably not a good way to go about that ergonomically.
I don't know any more. I'm sure this seems petty compared to what a lot of you go through on the daily but it kinda crushed me. For months I've been feeling like an empty shell and like my guts have been hollowed out. I hate myself and I don't deserve to live. I can count on one hand all the people that care about me that don't have to by default and I've failed every single one of them. I just want to get this over with; fail them one last time so I can't any more.
