Fake Personalities

[15dec]

Does anyone else fake their personalities?

After my first two attempts I realised I didn't really know who I was and started faking a personality, acting happy, hyper and weird around my friends and whatnot. I also noticed at some point that I'd been doing the same thing subconsciously for a good 3-5 years beforehand, just acting different. I've acted weird, hyper, like I don't care about anyone or anything, violent (all talk), overly sexual (in terms of jokes), all sorts really. I'm just a bit of a mess really, and feel very, very fake.

I'm doing the same thing right now. Nothing too extreme, since it gets draining pretty quickly and I usually end up 'crashing' and having huge depressive episodes after a while. I've just been acting happy, more talkative, and generally just like a functioning human. But it's opened this whole other can of worms, because now I have more friends and I'm closer to some I had already, so more people will be affected if I ctb soon. It's probably my anxiety talking here, but I've also been worrying that my ex (who said he thought he caused all my problems, and has his own mental health stuff going on) will see me being 'happy' and think it's because he's not around anymore.

I know I should stop soon before I crash and burn or ctb and leave even more people in shock/pain but it's like a drug. When I'm not putting on these personalities I'm either empty and numb or depressed and anxious. Being a fake is the only way I can get some of the things I desire -company, belonging and something that stops me thinking about this pit I'm trapped in and all the awful things I've done.

I wish I could be like everyone else and just be 'me' without having to invent something. The only trait of mine that I know is real is that I'm caring, but me trying to care for others and look out for them just seems to mess things up or annoy them, so it's all in vain. Does anyone else relate?

 

[Johnnythefox]

I'm no expert but could it be bouts of mania?
I've had times in the past when I've been similar, are you on any SSRI as they can also cause this in my experience.

 

[15dec]

I'm no expert but could it be bouts mania?
I've had times in the past when I've been similar, are you on any SSRI as they can also cause this in my experience.

No clue but I'll look into it as a possibility. And nope, never been on antidepressants or anything like that

 

[ReadyasEver]

Never hid it, except for the past couple months. It is a difficult thing to do. I found it requires a lot of concentration and effort at times.

 

[21Neberg]

I can relate. Do you also feel like you're wearing this 'smiling mask' all day? Because I certainly am. I hide my true feelings and thoughts behind this mask. This site is the only place I can take that mask completely off.

Everyone in my life only knows the mask, because no one knows about my real thoughts and struggles. Nobody knows my arms and legs are covered in cuts. If I took this mask off, and people saw the real me, I'm sure they'd abandon me.

 

[ReadyasEver]

I can relate. Do you also feel like you're wearing this 'smiling mask' all day? Because I certainly am. I hide my true feelings and thoughts behind this mask. This site is the only place I can take that mask completely off.

Everyone in my life only knows the mask, because no one knows about my real thoughts and struggles. Nobody knows my arms and legs are covered in cuts. If I took this mask off, and people saw the real me, I'm sure they'd abandon me.

This truly crushed me. I'm in my 50's and seen great times and awful times. If there was a way to take that pain away, I would. I have big shoulders young man, I can handle it. Peace be with you, and you're right, you're not alone.

 

[21Neberg]

This truly crushed me. I'm in my 50's and seen great times and awful times. If there was a way to take that pain away, I would. I have big shoulders young man, I can handle it. Peace be with you, and you're right, you're not alone.

Thank you for your kind words. It's good knowing I'm not alone - it's one of the reasons I enjoy this site so much. I hope things work out for you in the end too.

 

[15dec]

I can relate. Do you also feel like you're wearing this 'smiling mask' all day? Because I certainly am. I hide my true feelings and thoughts behind this mask. This site is the only place I can take that mask completely off.

Everyone in my life only knows the mask, because no one knows about my real thoughts and struggles. Nobody knows my arms and legs are covered in cuts. If I took this mask off, and people saw the real me, I'm sure they'd abandon me.

Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. When I've tried taking the mask off and being honest with people it seems to freak them out and pushes them away, so I learned the hard way to keep it on at all times. Part of my new personality/mask is to act like that stuff just doesn't exist, it didn't happen. Nobody asks, and I'm certainly not going to say anything.

 

[valium]

i have been faking my personality for years, to the point where i don't know what my own is anymore. i've been trying to "develop" my own personality, but its hard when you subconsciously isolate yourself a lot and mostly interact with others through online communities. well wishes to you all, nothing about being alive is easy.

 

[Aesthler]

I'm not good at faking anything, this is why I'm so awkward around people sometimes. Usually for me it takes genuinely being comfortable around others for my personality to even show up just a little bit.

 

[Stillnotsure]

Does anyone else fake their personalities?

After my first two attempts I realised I didn't really know who I was and started faking a personality, acting happy, hyper and weird around my friends and whatnot. I also noticed at some point that I'd been doing the same thing subconsciously for a good 3-5 years beforehand, just acting different. I've acted weird, hyper, like I don't care about anyone or anything, violent (all talk), overly sexual (in terms of jokes), all sorts really. I'm just a bit of a mess really, and feel very, very fake.

I'm doing the same thing right now. Nothing too extreme, since it gets draining pretty quickly and I usually end up 'crashing' and having huge depressive episodes after a while. I've just been acting happy, more talkative, and generally just like a functioning human. But it's opened this whole other can of worms, because now I have more friends and I'm closer to some I had already, so more people will be affected if I ctb soon. It's probably my anxiety talking here, but I've also been worrying that my ex (who said he thought he caused all my problems, and has his own mental health stuff going on) will see me being 'happy' and think it's because he's not around anymore.

I know I should stop soon before I crash and burn or ctb and leave even more people in shock/pain but it's like a drug. When I'm not putting on these personalities I'm either empty and numb or depressed and anxious. Being a fake is the only way I can get some of the things I desire -company, belonging and something that stops me thinking about this pit I'm trapped in and all the awful things I've done.

I wish I could be like everyone else and just be 'me' without having to invent something. The only trait of mine that I know is real is that I'm caring, but me trying to care for others and look out for them just seems to mess things up or annoy them, so it's all in vain. Does anyone else relate?

Look up Bipolar disorder, and dissociative personality disorder. Do either of those fit how you feel? I second what @Johnnythefox said. It kind sounds like it could be manic episodes. That's not a bad thing. But it could be an answer to the feeling of loosing your true self after pretending to be that happy person.

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

i have been faking my personality for years, to the point where i don't know what my own is anymore. i've been trying to "develop" my own personality, but its hard when you subconsciously isolate yourself a lot and mostly interact with others through online communities. well wishes to you all, nothing about being alive is easy.

I can relate. Most people (other than family) that I'd been in contact over the last 4 years are people on helplines and people in online communities. But, what else to do when interacting with others in person causes panic attacks and hunderds of other physical symptoms? It wasn't always this way, and my mind is quick to remind me how things used to be way better and how hopeless and dark everything has gotten.

 

[15dec]

Look up Bipolar disorder, and dissociative personality disorder. Do either of those fit how you feel? I second what @Johnnythefox said. It kind sounds like it could be manic episodes. That's not a bad thing. But it could be an answer to the feeling of loosing your true self after pretending to be that happy person.

Sounds a lot like bipolar to me to be honest, especially stuff about 'mixed episodes'

 

[Stillnotsure]

Ok. If you think this fits you can either go to your primary Dr for a formal diagnosis and treatment plan, or see a psychologist. You can manage bipolar if you are given the right tools. If you are diligent about journaling when you feel very low and what you felt, heard, saw etc before then, you can learn to recognize when a low is coming. You can make it less of a low with different techniques they can teach you. The best part is, you can seriously reduce the really dark and bad feelings of wanting to ctb when they loop over and over in your mind like a scratched CD.

It takes work and concentration on your part. But if you see it as a chance, a new purpose, something to master, you can become an expert and help others figure out what works.

 

[15dec]

Ok. If you think this fits you can either go to your primary Dr for a formal diagnosis and treatment plan, or see a psychologist. You can manage bipolar if you are given the right tools. If you are diligent about journaling when you feel very low and what you felt, heard, saw etc before then, you can learn to recognize when a low is coming. You can make it less of a low with different techniques they can teach you. The best part is, you can seriously reduce the really dark and bad feelings of wanting to ctb when they loop over and over in your mind like a scratched CD.

It takes work and concentration on your part. But if you see it as a chance, a new purpose, something to master, you can become an expert and help others figure out what works.

Thank you, that's really kind of you! The only problem is that on the NHS it'll take me months to see a psychiatrist, and even then I'm in the worst area for mental health services and in all my experiences so far, the moment I mention specific conditions I suspect I'm immediately treated like I'm making it up or that I've 'read too much in the internet' and 'tricked myself into thinking I have something I don't'. It's certainly going to be a tough time to be taken seriously but I'll see what I can manage.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi @15dec, you sound to me like someone who is currently desperately trying to hold it all together and please everybody while having not recovered from your own previous attempts and you are busy papering over the cracks.

You have always struck me as someone who is young, extraordinarily intelligent, compassionate, deeply sensitive, loving, caring to a fault and carrying the burden of trying to keep the peace at home while struggling to break out and be your own person; which is a bloody amazing person underneath all you are shouldering.

Xxxxxxxx

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

Does anyone else fake their personalities?

After my first two attempts I realised I didn't really know who I was and started faking a personality, acting happy, hyper and weird around my friends and whatnot. I also noticed at some point that I'd been doing the same thing subconsciously for a good 3-5 years beforehand, just acting different. I've acted weird, hyper, like I don't care about anyone or anything, violent (all talk), overly sexual (in terms of jokes), all sorts really. I'm just a bit of a mess really, and feel very, very fake.

I'm doing the same thing right now. Nothing too extreme, since it gets draining pretty quickly and I usually end up 'crashing' and having huge depressive episodes after a while. I've just been acting happy, more talkative, and generally just like a functioning human. But it's opened this whole other can of worms, because now I have more friends and I'm closer to some I had already, so more people will be affected if I ctb soon. It's probably my anxiety talking here, but I've also been worrying that my ex (who said he thought he caused all my problems, and has his own mental health stuff going on) will see me being 'happy' and think it's because he's not around anymore.

I know I should stop soon before I crash and burn or ctb and leave even more people in shock/pain but it's like a drug. When I'm not putting on these personalities I'm either empty and numb or depressed and anxious. Being a fake is the only way I can get some of the things I desire -company, belonging and something that stops me thinking about this pit I'm trapped in and all the awful things I've done.

I wish I could be like everyone else and just be 'me' without having to invent something. The only trait of mine that I know is real is that I'm caring, but me trying to care for others and look out for them just seems to mess things up or annoy them, so it's all in vain. Does anyone else relate?

I wouldn't put much stock in the mental health diagnoses so much. Unless you are seeing a psychiatrist on a monthly basis and already relying on medication to function, I think it's wise to consider alternative to medications and mainstream mental health treatmetns. They help some people, but they also end up being a dead end for so many, and end up worsening many people's lives.

I would say that your reactions are normal for someone who is pretty anxious, and I wouldn't be too worried. You are adapting to the circumstances and learning new things in the best way possible. Medications and diagnoses tend to stunt learning, coping strategies and emotional growth.

 

[15dec]

Hi @15dec, you sound to me like someone who is currently desperately trying to hold it all together and please everybody while having not recovered from your own previous attempts and you are busy papering over the cracks.

You have always struck me as someone who is young, extraordinarily intelligent, compassionate, deeply sensitive, loving, caring to a fault and carrying the burden of trying to keep the peace at home while struggling to break out and be your own person; which is a bloody amazing person underneath all you are shouldering.

Xxxxxxxx

Thank you, I genuinely have no words to express how much that means to me ♡ you're such a lovely person too, I'm so glad to have met you :)

 

[15dec]

I wouldn't put much stock in the mental health diagnoses so much. Unless you are seeing a psychiatrist on a monthly basis and already relying on medication to function, I think it's wise to consider alternative to medications and mainstream mental health treatmetns. They help some people, but they also end up being a dead end for so many, and end up worsening many people's lives.

I would say that your reactions are normal for someone who is pretty anxious, and I wouldn't be too worried. You are adapting to the circumstances and learning new things in the best way possible. Medications and diagnoses tend to stunt learning, coping strategies and emotional growth.

Yeah, honestly the mental health services here have stressed me out more and I wonder if I would've recovered somewhat if I weren't involved with them. I've been taking Kalms to try and dull the anxiety and they're working pretty decently. Taking actual antidepressants isn't really something I'm actively seeking out anymore since I've read a lot about them not being effective and eventually not working after a while, so it just doesn't seem like the wisest choice really

 

[valium]

the mental health services here have stressed me out more

seriously, i'm thankful for the NHS because of my physical illnesses, but the mental health services here are awful

 

[JustAboutDone]

Thank you, I genuinely have no words to express how much that means to me ♡ you're such a lovely person too, I'm so glad to have met you :)

It's you - always remember nice people bring out the best in other people xxx

Do you think you keep too busy sometimes to keep yourself from falling apart? And work to hard to keep the peace? These things put an ENORMOUS strain on you - I think @Smilla can relate? Or anyone else who had, let's just say, not the right environment for a child to grow up in. You have, in essence, become an adult, before being anything else and it's so bloody tough for you xxxxx

 

[Smilla]

I can definitely relate.

If I could go back in time I would have left home earlier, cut off contact with my family of origin, and hauled myself into therapy after moving across the country, or to another country.

 

[15dec]

seriously, i'm thankful for the NHS because of my physical illnesses, but the mental health services here are awful

Yeah, it's been brilliant for my illnesses and medical conditions, the moment it comes to mental health it's just a mess of understaffing, lack of communication and a few staff who just don't care about anything except their paycheck. Hopefully it'll improve one day

 

[15dec]

It's you - always remember nice people bring out the best in other people xxx

Do you think you keep too busy sometimes to keep yourself from falling apart? And work to hard to keep the peace? These things put an ENORMOUS strain on you - I think @Smilla can relate? Or anyone else who had, let's just say, not the right environment for a child to grow up in. You have, in essence, become an adult, before being anything else and it's so bloody tough for you xxxxx

Yeah, I think one of my biggest fears is not having anything to do, I'd rather work or be at college all week than be sitting around doing nothing, lol. I wouldn't say I work hard to keep the peace but I certainly prefer it that way. It's funny you mention being an adult quickly though, since my dad has said several times how he's always treated me like one and sometimes I wonder if I ever really got the opportunity to be a kid

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

Yeah, honestly the mental health services here have stressed me out more and I wonder if I would've recovered somewhat if I weren't involved with them. I've been taking Kalms to try and dull the anxiety and they're working pretty decently. Taking actual antidepressants isn't really something I'm actively seeking out anymore since I've read a lot about them not being effective and eventually not working after a while, so it just doesn't seem like the wisest choice really

I actually went on an antidepressant in my twenties, and I think that it actually helped for about 8 years or so. That actually wasn't bad at all. But after that, I don't think it was really helping. It was the fear of coming off of it that kept me from getting off of it. Then I was prescribed benzodiazepine tranquililizers and then I got tolerant, had tons of side effects, got off of the anti depressant too quickly, try to stop the benzos too quickly, was melting down, went back on benzos, was given them in higher doses, was then prescribed an antidepressant again (which now made me sick). Then I started slowly getting off of tranquilizers and my body went out of sorts and my body was going crazy, so now I needed to take more blood pressure pills, anti-convulsants, another kind of anxiety medicine, etc. etc. And now I have to take natural supplements because my medication doses are low and I cannot go into a complete crash anymore.

I think all these medications have their place, but they're not prescribed in a way that they need to be (a few months for antidepressants, a few days for tranquilizers, etc.), so it just ends up with a person getting swallowed up in a mental health system, and psychiatrist now becomes the most important person in the patient's life, and that is a horrid way to live. It's great for the mental health people (pays their salaries) and great for drug companies, but terrible for actual people.

Yes, please be taking those Kalms. I sure wish I stuck to something like that instead of going on this medication merry-go-round.....Sigh..

 

[JustAboutDone]

I can definitely relate.

If I could go back in time I would have left home earlier, cut off contact with my family of origin, and hauled myself into therapy after moving across the country, or to another country.

@Smilla @15dec @ anyone else with ptsd from their childhood - apparently you can never "recover" if you remain in contact with your family. Whether that is true or not, I not know

 

[15dec]

I actually went on an antidepressant in my twenties, and I think that it actually helped for about 8 years or so. That actually wasn't bad at all. But after that, I don't think it was really helping. It was the fear of coming off of it that kept me from getting off of it. Then I was prescribed benzodiazepine tranquililizers and then I got tolerant, had tons of side effects, got off of the anti depressant too quickly, try to stop the benzos too quickly, was melting down, went back on benzos, was given them in higher doses, was then prescribed an antidepressant again (which now made me sick). Then I started slowly getting off of tranquilizers and my body went out of sorts and my body was going crazy, so now I needed to take more blood pressure pills, anti-convulsants, another kind of anxiety medicine, etc. etc. And now I have to take natural supplements because my medication doses are low and I cannot go into a complete crash anymore.

I think all these medications have their place, but they're not prescribed in a way that they need to be (a few months for antidepressants, a few days for tranquilizers, etc.), so it just ends up with a person getting swallowed up in a mental health system, and psychiatrist now becomes the most important person in the patient's life, and that is a horrid way to live. It's great for the mental health people (pays their salaries) and great for drug companies, but terrible for actual people.

Yes, please be taking those Kalms. I sure wish I stuck to something like that instead of going on this medication merry-go-round.....Sigh..

I'm sorry you went through such a hard time with your medications, it sounds truly awfuk and I hope things can improve for you one day. Sadly less effective antidepressants are used more frequently than ones proven to work much more efficiently, some of the good ones aren't actually used. I can't help but wonder if it's to do with profiting off of less effective drugs or if the more effective ones have horrible side effects I don't know of. Hugs to you, I really do hope things get better.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I have put on a mask, sometimes. But in my case, I don't see it as something too bad. In the end, it's not other people's fault that I am damaged, and they don't deserve to bear my anger or misery (especially those people who cared and were kind to me). I don't completely believe in playing the honesty card. I've seen people with narcissistic issues who would call others horrible things, just to justify themselves afterwards by saying 'but it's true'. To me, they haven't sublimated their traumas and are projecting their own fears and own sense of failure onto others: they are breathing through their own wounds. They are energy vampires.

But I do understand the loneliness, the feeling of not belonging, the derealisation... It's horrible.

When I'm not putting on these personalities I'm either empty and numb or depressed and anxious. Being a fake is the only way I can get some of the things

I get you. When I have blatantly said something to someone, out of bitterness (because I think it's not fair that I get to hear shit, and others don't- a very narcissistic thought in itself because we all suffer in some way), I feel terrible later. Ideally, I don't want to be like the people I despise. But hey, nobody is perfect.

 

[NotWorthLiving]

Don't worry, you're not the only one who does this.

It started 6 years ago with me pretending I was someone I wasnt in the hope I could be like them because that kind of personality appealed to me. I soon realised that was a stupid move but had already forgotten and lost who I really was so its been fake it til you make it since. It has escalated since people saw a change in me cause I started dropping the act cause it was exhausting being loud and happy all the time but it has since gone back up cause people are stupid and its the only way I can convince them I'm fine. I really wish there was an alternative though.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Yes, and I actually experience mini bouts of mania like Johnny was saying. Basically when I feel like I have to be outgoing, it's as if something inside me kind of switches over (from blah to hyper) but it goes too far at times and I can seem really goofy and over the top. I have been known to say really awkward things, or try too hard, or say something inappropriate because I feel pressured to seem charismatic and likable. It's completely self-imposed and seems to happen automatically, although being aware of it has helped me temper it more successfully as of late.