"Fake it until you make it!"

[WornOutLife]

I've heard these words plenty of times and to tell you the truth, they really work for me but...

Deep down in my heart, inside my head, I know I'm just faking my emotions so as to deal with daily life and just like a bomb, I might "explode" again (like I did last year).

Today is Monday and I gotta teach lots of lessons. I love my work but I'm just not in the mood to do anything on this day.

However, I'll just look myself in my mirror, force some smiles and then start doing my best. It's not my students' fault I'm dealing with this sh*t (bipolar disorder, depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, etc). I just want them to have a nice time with me while learning English and Spanish.

Thus, this is just a quick and simple venting but I know it'll make me feel better somehow because I know some of you really support me! (I love you! haha)

Hope you can have a decent Monday and week at least.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[Pauperpills]

Same. Just gotta wear that mask until you feel like you're ready.

Hope all is well, my friend.

 

[theresonlyonewayout]

Matt,

I hope you're proud of the fact you put on the mask for others. I know that pretending to be something we are not is exhausting and it shouldn't have to be that way but to hear you say you do it for your students - I just want you to hear that I'm proud of you for that.

I'm told that whenever I say anything nice it sounds false or patronising but I really don't mean it that way. Maybe it's worded shit, maybe it sounds insincere but I really mean it. You words have made me feel proud of our little struggling community today xx

 

[watchingthewheels]

I've heard these words plenty of times and to tell you the truth, they really work for me but...

Deep down in my heart, inside my head, I know I'm just faking my emotions so as to deal with daily life and just like a bomb, I might "explode" again (like I did last year).

Today is Monday and I gotta teach lots of lessons. I love my work but I'm just not in the mood to do anything on this day.

However, I'll just look myself in my mirror, force some smiles and then start doing my best. It's not my students' fault I'm dealing with this sh*t (bipolar disorder, depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, etc). I just want them to have a nice time with me while learning English and Spanish.

Thus, this is just a quick and simple venting but I know it'll make me feel better somehow because I know some of you really support me! (I love you! haha)

Hope you can have a decent Monday and week at least.

Hugs and love,

Matt

It's worth noting that the root word of "personality", "persona", means "mask"...

persona - Wiktionary, the free dictionary

en.wiktionary.org

Etymology​

Borrowed from Latin persōna ("mask; character"), of uncertain origin. Possibly from personō ("to sound through"); or from Ancient Greek πρόσωπον (prósōpon, "face; appearance; mask used in ancient theatre to denote a character or, more generally, a social role"); or from Etruscan https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/𐌘𐌄𐌓𐌔𐌖#Etruscan (φersu). Doublet of person and parson

 

[FuneralCry]

At least you can be open on this forum, it is the one place where feeling like this is accepted. I have to fake positive emotions in front of my parents, it really is painful. It makes me feel like i'm dying inside and I always cannot wait to isolate myself. I just take relief knowing it will all be over someday. I wish you well.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

If you wear that mask for too long, you wont be able to take it off any more.

 

[Pauperpills]

If you wear that mask for too long, you wont be able to take it off any more.

This is also the downside. It'll literally break you

 

[WornOutLife]

This is also the downside. It'll literally break you

Yeah! Last year I ended up having a breakdown because of faking!
Now, it's not impossible because working from home really helps. I've actually already taught two English lessons and I'm already feeling better, fortunately lol. My students are the best. (and you all too, of course! You've really cheered me up!)

 

[ExhaustedExistence]

I'm faking my emotions too. I'm hiding my true feelings behind the smile. I have to admit I'm not that good at it, because everybody from my family always asks me ,,Are you okay?" And my answer is always the same ,,Yes. I'm just tired." It's kinda truth, except for "just".

Anyway I don't know how long I can endure this. When I'm coming home I always talk to myself "put on a happy smile". But I'm really exhausted from this entire pretending. I know it's the only way how they won't be suspicious. However I had some breakdowns few days ago when I couldn't stop crying and I almost told my family I want to ctb.

 

[Aloken]

I too hide my pain everyday. Honestly, it's not difficult to do for me, I just do it. Maybe because I've been doing it for forever lol. And it's not because I wanna lie to my family, it's just that I'm not comfortable showing my pain around and making them uncomfortable. Because if I do make them uncomfortable, there's gonna be tension in the house and all sorts of drama, and I've had enough of drama in my heart already.

Your post put me to thoughts. How many of my teachers were suicidal or having numerous bad days, weeks, months or even years (yes, that's a Friends reference, Friends family where you at??!". And we didn't even know and some of us made their lifes miserable. I hope you have good students!

 

[Superdeterminist]

Honestly I hate that phrase so much. I'm not even sure I know why. It might be because I hate the idea of encouraging fakeness. For example, that phrase would seemingly encourage lying on your CV to get the job. But does anyone actually want to be lied to? I don't think so. Let's try to be consistent.

 

[motel rooms]

Honestly I hate that phrase so much.

Smells Like American Can-Do Spirit.
Stupid & contagious. A denial, a denial, a denial, a denial...

 

[zirikov]

I guess I'm in the other side of it. I will have English classes tomorrow and Italy on Wednesday. I can't even do the homework to get prepared. Since my father died I feel like shit. I wish I could just ctb already. Not even Prozac is helping me. Anyway, you're brave dealing with it. I hope you get through it and win somehow. I wish you the best.

 

[IHaveNoName]

Faking wanting to be alive is very hard, I have faked basically everything about myself for the last 15 years and it gets to a point where you forget what is real and what is a lie I really wish I had a real friend that I could talk to and not be judged for how I feel.