Story Failing my previous attempt (if you can call it that)

[samishii]

This is about my attempt on 14 April 2021,

I was going to be jumping from an under-construction building, high enough to kill me with some certainty. It was all planned out, over a period of a month, I had set my social media accounts to be deleted, latest of which was going to be deleted on April 13 and I wanted to leave before my 18th birthday, so I had less than a week's window.

The actual plan was to go on 13th itself, but something happened that day. My uncle (one of the two favourite people of mine, the other being my sister) had really bad fight at his home with his wife and parents. He left his home and went to a river. Me and my sister called him several times and he finally picked up, we talked, and it was just me trying to convince him to get back home. At the end my sister was able to convince him. After some time, he called us and said "sorry you had to deal with me acting like that". I couldn't ctb that evening.

That situation changed something in me.
So the next evening, I am on the ledge, listening to before I go by Billie Eilish, ready to jump at the end of the song, somewhat happy and calmest I had ever felt, and I got a call from my only friend at the time. Idk why I picked up. It was a very casual conversation by our standards, him talking about his mental health, how his day was, how he didn't like his new shrink etc. I didn't even give him a hint about where I was or what I was gonna do. I hadn't let anyone know about how fucked up I was, not even to him.

After the call, I got a thought about what would happen to him after I ctb? I was also his only friend. And then started my overthinking. I just couldn't do it after this. I didn't jump. That is a big regret of mine, Have been hating myself even more for it. I still wanted to die, just as much. But I couldn't do it.

P.s.- sorry for any typos or missing stuff. I am drunk yet again. I think I am becoming an alcoholic.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me jumping sounds like a terrifying method, I know that I could never ctb that way. I do envy those with the courage for it though. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think that for a lot of people it is difficult to stick to planned dates for ctb. After all, life is unpredictable and you never know what will happen. I feel like many people ctb when they get desperate and the pain of living gets to be unbearable, it is a feeling they have that they know it is time. I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[Doombox]

You have a big heart, that's clear.

 

[samishii]

To me jumping sounds like a terrifying method, I know that I could never ctb that way. I do envy those with the courage for it though.

Some people feel that drowning is quite peaceful, it's a lot of suffering at first, but after initial moments some find it peaceful while they feel jumping is terrifying. It is the other way around for me, I feel that drowning is terrifying. I'd rather cut myself to death (would have to be impulsive) than drown.
One of my bucket list of methods has a plan to be a certified skydiver, then I'd skydive by myself. (Ofc without opening a parachute) That way my parents receive money from my life insurance.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think that for a lot of people it is difficult to stick to planned dates for ctb. After all, life is unpredictable and you never know what will happen.

That is so true

I feel like many people ctb when they get desperate and the pain of living gets to be unbearable, it is a feeling they have that they know it is time. I wish you relief from suffering.

I personally am against ctb impulsively. But I have a strong feeling I'll die that way nonetheless. That was my 2nd planned attempt. The first one was just me dumb enough to not do much research and failing.

I got used to failing tbh, but the last one, I feel like I didn't fail as I didn't really jump.
I have only realised the quote pro-lifers like to use (in another context) -"it's better to regret failing than to regret not trying"

 

[Well-Edited Chaos]

You have a big heart, that's clear.

Yes, lots of empathy / compassion for others. It's always so much harder to have empathy / compassion for ourselves.