Venting Failing at emotional stability

[リンさん]

Sometimes I hate being overly emotional. Today is the day that I do.

I have a severe fear of being judged and perceived in general. I avoid being seen and acknowledged at all costs. Even posting here sometimes makes me feel vulnerable and scared, because I am essentially opening myself to criticism from people, even if I don't and never will know them.

Unfortunately, as it is, I have to constantly study in order to stay on the freelance market, so I've been taking an online course. I don't have to talk or even show myself, so that's great. But every time I have to read feedback from my teacher, it's like I become paralyzed with fear. I can't think about anything else and keep imagining those wild scenarios where my entire personhood is being demeaned because I... didnt do the homework well enough?

It's crazy. And I know that it is. Yet there's nothing I can do. It takes me hours and enormous heaps of mental energy just to open the email and whatnot.

But hey, it can be of benefit sometimes. I'm terrified of making mistakes, so I do my best and check things a million times before sending them in. I've yet to receive overly negative feedback thanks to it. But my god, does the possibility of it happening one day mess with me.

 

[Abandoned Character]

That sounds really hard. I've experienced something similar with feeling intense anxiety about reading/getting messages from people I value (especially authority figures like teachers), but probably not to such a high degree.

We are highly emotional beings, some more than others, and it's definitely a double-edged sword. For what its worth, your self-awareness is admirable. Cheers~~

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

It's awful feeling this way and I get it.
I used to be incredibly sensitive and fearful of other people's judgements, especially when younger.
It's not your fault believe me: it's the fault of this incredibly toxic society we live in.
I'm fearful of things such as opening emails and dealing with people in general because I am used to people being horrible for no logical reason and receiving bad news.
People on here will very rarely judge you.
Yet I understand how you feel.