Failed to CTB

[donewithyourview]

I failed again and ended up in the psych ward for another few weeks. How do you guys do this, I don't know why my SI keeps kicking in. 4 attempts in the past year and none were successes, I'm too cowardly in the end. How do you convince yourself out of the fear of disappearing?

 

[dinosavr]

I'm sorry you weren't able to get what you wanted so much :(
I think SI is something incredibly natural and it's hard to overcome it. You have to be actually quite good at fighting it as you've tried already a couple of times. Most people don't even get to the attempt. And that's okay too, we're only humans, and they programmed us to survive. It sucks but please be kind to yourself! You've been through tough times and you're really brave. Everything besides coward.
I hope you find your way out of it! <3

 

[donewithyourview]

I'm sorry you weren't able to get what you wanted so much :(
I think SI is something incredibly natural and it's hard to overcome it. You have to be actually quite good at fighting it as you've tried already a couple of times. Most people don't even get to the attempt. And that's okay too, we're only humans, and they programmed us to survive. It sucks but please be kind to yourself! You've been through tough times and you're really brave. Everything besides coward.
I hope you find your way out of it! <3

I just feel like this isn't what I really want, I have a good life and have lots of support. But I know it's the best option for me, I've known my entire life. I'm not super dejected by it, moreso disappointed with myself for repeatedly being unable to fulfill it. But the method I tried last time was the one that I got closest to death with, if I hadn't chickened out last second I would be gone now. I've been rereading some of the little excerpts on the morality of suicide to try and motivate myself but idk if I got it in me tbh, even though I felt like this is something I wanted my whole life now I'm not so sure and it's scaring me :/

 

[dinosavr]

I just feel like this isn't what I really want, I have a good life and have lots of support. But I know it's the best option for me, I've known my entire life. I'm not super dejected by it, moreso disappointed with myself for repeatedly being unable to fulfill it. But the method I tried last time was the one that I got closest to death with, if I hadn't chickened out last second I would be gone now. I've been rereading some of the little excerpts on the morality of suicide to try and motivate myself but idk if I got it in me tbh, even though I felt like this is something I wanted my whole life now I'm not so sure and it's scaring me :/

I get it why it is scaring you. It's a really big deal and a difficult decision to make. Dying is irreversible so it's easy to feel overwhelmed.
But I believe that even with the slightest bit of hope you may be able to try recovery. Please try visiting recovery section more often. Don't force anything on yourself of course and take it as slow as you need. A few weeks ago I ordered SN and now I'm here much less, I don't feel as strong need to die as before, even though, just like you, I've made a decision that ctb is rationally the best choice for me and that I'm so fucking unable to get better.
But it's worth a try!! You can always give up again eventually lol at least that's what helped me deciding on backing down with my ctb plan.
If you ever need any kind of support, feel free to pm me!

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to goo through this. The psych ward won't fix the issue imo. I'm sorry your life is so rough to you. It's so hard to defeat SI and you mention quote "I have a good life and have lots of support." that makes it even harder to overcome SI in the crucial moment. May I ask you what method you chose for the attempt? I hope they treat you well in the ward and you're released asap!

 

[AngelTears]

IMO that'll never go away. Especially if the method you're using is hanging or something that can give you a couple minutes of thought while you do it. I failed multiple times since my last attempt and I haven't tried since new years. I usually just try to OD because it's the most painless and SI doesn't kick in. Although if you fail you will lose some mental and/or physical capabilities. In my last attempt I paralyzed my foot. I stopped because I think that worse than being alive is being a fucking vegetable and alive. Qlso I think I have some sort of calling for life to have such a strong grip on me. Cheers friend.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must had been so dreadful what you went through, it's just horrible how people have to struggle so much to cease existing in the first place and cannot just have the option to easily die in peace. Trying to die going wrong is exactly what I would fear, I find it disturbing how we exist in such an anti-suicide society where many other humans want to deny others a peaceful, guaranteed exit and wish to prolong suffering no matter what.

 

[donewithyourview]

Knowing that it might never go away is such a hard part. Don't we all die eventually? Logically it makes sense that I should be more willing to accept that day, whether it be tomorrow or 60 years from now. It just hurts so much. I wish it were easier.

 

[BJ1234]

I just feel like this isn't what I really want, I have a good life and have lots of support. But I know it's the best option for me, I've known my entire life. I'm not super dejected by it, moreso disappointed with myself for repeatedly being unable to fulfill it. But the method I tried last time was the one that I got closest to death with, if I hadn't chickened out last second I would be gone now. I've been rereading some of the little excerpts on the morality of suicide to try and motivate myself but idk if I got it in me tbh, even though I felt like this is something I wanted my whole life now I'm not so sure and it's scaring me :/

May I ask, what method did you try that was mostly successful

 

[illAF]

I failed again and ended up in the psych ward for another few weeks. How do you guys do this, I don't know why my SI keeps kicking in. 4 attempts in the past year and none were successes, I'm too cowardly in the end. How do you convince yourself out of the fear of disappearing?

Oh dear, I feel you sooo much... I just made a thread about that. Sorry for you, i feel miserable about all my attemps too...