Failed SN attempt - experiences from the ICU and a psych ward

[Celerity]

The doctors couldn't believe it either. They kept telling my parents to expect the worst during the first 6 days and then some nurses told them to go to a monastery as it was the only hope in their opinion. I woke up on the 7th day while my parents were in the monastery and now they ascribe the event to some devine intervention...

I survived without methylene blue because SN itself wasn't my biggest issue. I threw up most of it before it could have been absorbed. My methaemoglobin levels weren't much above normal levels. They went from 4% to 0.2% wothin the first 6 days. The nurses still told me that my blood was black when they first drew it and my fingers also turned really dark.

The main problem was aspirational pneumonia, severe blood coagulation, and eventually septicaemia, but all of these occured in the hospital and I would have died even without them, with just the tiny amount of SN in my system. Larger amounts would make it quicker and less uncomofrtable though. I don't know why my blood was coagulating so much though. The markers went over 5000 at some point whereas normal levels are 0-300.

Yeah, I have recovered fully. My lungs can function normally again and I no longer need blood thinners. It took about 2 months to fully recover though but that's just because of the complications that occured in my case which rarely happen to SN survivors as it seems.

So you can walk now? I was so afraid that you were left immobile. God, that would be awful.

 

[rs929]

This kind of stuff makes me wonder if SN is as peaceful as they say

 

[Celerity]

This kind of stuff makes me wonder if SN is as peaceful as they say

Me too. Every time I read one of these stories, gun seems like the better method by far.

That said, stuff like this is always a risk if you CTB at home. I think it's worth the chunk of change to at least find a hotel, especially with a method that literally takes hours to kill.

 

[elfgyoza]

This kind of stuff makes me wonder if SN is as peaceful as they say

OP said the only discomfort was the sore burning throat, what was it that made you say this?

 

[Celerity]

OP said the only discomfort was the sore burning throat, what was it that made you say this?

That's what they can remember. What they felt in the moment is a different story.

 

[elfgyoza]

That's what they can remember. What they felt in the moment is a different story.

Yes, but they don't remember so anything else is just speculation. Their parents would have said if they were in a lot of pain because it would discourage further attempts, there's no reason to think SN is not peaceful based on OP's story

 

[rs929]

Yes, but they don't remember so anything else is just speculation. Their parents would have said if they were in a lot of pain because it would discourage further attempts, there's no reason to think SN is not peaceful based on OP's story

Maybe I'm not thinking objectively after reading such horror story and that's all. Don't want to inflict fear or something. It is just scary though

 

[Celerity]

Yes, but they don't remember so anything else is just speculation. Their parents would have said if they were in a lot of pain because it would discourage further attempts, there's no reason to think SN is not peaceful based on OP's story

I guess. I just prefer something that's basically one-and-done if you do it right. I don't want to gamble on hours of not being found.

 

[rs929]

I guess. I just prefer something that's basically one-and-done of you do it right. I don't want to gamble on hours of not being found.

There's also a relatively long time of knowing you're gonna die and your SI might make you do unexpected things like calling for help

 

[Celerity]

There's also a relatively long time of knowing you're gonna die and your SI might make you do unexpected things like calling for help

Exactly. I want no chance to back out. Disconnecting my phone and going out in the middle of nowhere should do the trick.

 

[omoidarui]

(one of them took the book away from me a few days later and gave me another one - "Veronica decides to die" by Paulo Coelho).

my therapist suggested that me too. it's a good book tbf even though I disliked the connotation

 

[SentientCreature]

So you can walk now? I was so afraid that you were left immobile. God, that would be awful.

Yeah, I'm back to normal. The only reason I had difficulty walking is the fact that I had spent 11 days without moving or eating so I left the hospital with atrophied muscles weighing somehwere around 40kg... There have been no permanent consequences other than the change in my voice. The tubes must have damaged my vocal chords somewhat and now I sound a bit like I'm sick all the time but I don't give a damn, I'm just glad I'm not a vegetable.

my therapist suggested that me too. it's a good book tbf even though I disliked the connotation

Yeah, same. I started listening to the audiobook version before bed recently. Took some time for the negative association to dissipate so I could give it a try.

 

[orlandom]

Yeah, I'm back to normal. The only reason I had difficulty walking is the fact that I had spent 11 days without moving or eating so I left the hospital with atrophied muscles weighing somehwere around 40kg... There have been no permanent consequences other than the change in my voice. The tubes must have damaged my vocal chords somewhat and now I sound a bit like I'm sick all the time but I don't give a damn, I'm just glad I'm not a vegetable.


Yeah, same. I started listening to the audiobook version before bed recently. Took some time for the negative association to dissipate so I could give it a try.

Do you want CTB again? I'm really interested in the truth.

Because many people, after the first attempt at CTB, completely reconsider their attitude to life.

I am not interested in information that is convenient for us - forum participants. I'm interested in the truth. Are you less likely to have CTB already? Thank you if you answer me.

 

[SentientCreature]

Because many people, after the first attempt at CTB, completely reconsider their attitude to life.

That seems to be the case but I wonder why. I haven't seen any statistical studies but could it simply be that we just assume that due to their initial reports and don't follow them long enough to see them revert to their original state?

There was a time in the hospital when I thought that functional lungs were all I needed to appreciate life and I honestly expected the experience to change me in some way, make me more appreciative of the things I have. That turned out not to be the case in the long run though, not for me. I'm not less likely to ctb, my SN is on its way and I'm planning my departure already.

 

[rs929]

That seems to be the case but I wonder why. I haven't seen any statistical studies but could it simply be that we just assume that due to their initial reports and don't follow them long enough to see them revert to their original state?

There was a time in the hospital when I thought that functional lungs were all I needed to appreciate life and I honestly expected the experience to change me in some way, make me more appreciative of the things I have. That turned out not to be the case in the long run though, not for me. I'm not less likely to ctb, my SN is on its way and I'm planning my departure already.

So basically if you could get rid of the crap that makes it difficult for you to enjoy life, you could appreciate life. The possibility is there...
Is this interpretation incorrect??

 

[SentientCreature]

So basically if you could get rid of the crap that makes it difficult for you to enjoy life, you could appreciate life. The possibility is there...
Is this interpretation incorrect??

That's right. I wouldn't have plans to ctb in that scenario, largely because the pain and anxiety associated with dying wouldn't seem worth going through if I could have a net positive experience in life. But what is even a possibility? It refers to imaginary events that are compatible with the laws of nature, right? But I think that most people are rather concerned with plausibility when thinking about their future.

I'm 22 now. I feel like I've lived long enough to be able to make predictions about my future based on my past with some degree of accuracy. If I've failed to become a functional individual by this time, how could I believe that there is hope for the future? I'm not even changing my ways, I feel like my experience so far has shaped my way of thinking and limited my capacity to change and adapt to any new experience.

 

[rs929]

That's right. I wouldn't have plans to ctb in that scenario, largely because the pain and anxiety associated with dying wouldn't seem worth going through if I could have a net positive experience in life. But what is even a possibility? It refers to imaginary events that are compatible with the laws of nature, right? But I think that most people are rather concerned with plausibility when thinking about their future.

I'm 22 now. I feel like I've lived long enough to be able to make predictions about my future based on my past with some degree of accuracy. If I've failed to become a functional individual by this time, how could I believe that there is hope for the future? I'm not even changing my ways, I feel like my experience so far has shaped my way of thinking and limited my capacity to change and adapt to any new experience.

Well... with 22 years old, you have some degree of accuracy about predicting your future. Personally, I think it is low. I would like @whywere take on this. He is 65.

 

[whywere]

Well... with 22 years old, you have some degree of accuracy about predicting your future. Personally, I think it is low. I would like @whywere take on this. He is 65.

HI! @rs929. I generally try and leave my opinion out, but I will give my 2 cents worth, probably all that it is worth anyway..ha..ha.I feel that sometimes a younger person can have lived a lifetime in a few short years. while others do not. Maybe from their experiences or whatever. But generally speaking , at least for me, I have had ctb thoughts all my life and also I thought that I was smart enough when I was like in my mid to late twenties, but NO. I found out as I went throught the decades that things that I thought I knew all about, well lets say I did not. Even at 65 I do not "know" alot, I do have alot of life expereinces that help shape my thoughts and ways but I am a sponge as far as I never stop learning. But at 22 years old, in general, one does not have enough "life experience" under ones belt to predict the future. If there is even anything of the nature of "predicting ones future" that comes with age and life experience if at all. Walter

 

[SentientCreature]

HI! @rs929. I generally try and leave my opinion out, but I will give my 2 cents worth, probably all that it is worth anyway..ha..ha.I feel that sometimes a younger person can have lived a lifetime in a few short years. while others do not. Maybe from their experiences or whatever. But generally speaking , at least for me, I have had ctb thoughts all my life and also I thought that I was smart enough when I was like in my mid to late twenties, but NO. I found out as I went throught the decades that things that I thought I knew all about, well lets say I did not. Even at 65 I do not "know" alot, I do have alot of life expereinces that help shape my thoughts and ways but I am a sponge as far as I never stop learning. But at 22 years old, in general, one does not have enough "life experience" under ones belt to predict the future. If there is even anything of the nature of "predicting ones future" that comes with age and life experience if at all. Walter

Hi Walter, thanks for your input! I see now that the way I phrased that last paragraph gives off a wrong impression. I wasn't suggesting that I've gained some perfect wisdom, intelligence or anything of that sort, I know how ignorant and foolish I am. I'm just assuming (and yes, this is wrong in the strict sense) that people are largely already developed by their mid twenties let's say and change very little from that point onwards. This is a simplification of course, as exposure to new experiences and ideas does change people, but that's just my model for the universe, I have to work with the available data and resources after all, and previous experience is what we all base our knowledge upon.

Now when chronic fatigue and lack of motivation to do anything to improve are among one's ailments, my "past predicts future" model becomes a bit more accurate. Because unlike positive experiences that are generally short-lived in nature and eventually disappear on their own, negative experiences and states of mind often require informed active participation in order to change. I'm neither informed nor do I have the energy required to fix myself.

We never stop learning of course and you're most likely a lot wiser and a lot more educated now than 40 years ago, but even amidst all that change you're still suicidal, and that's what I imagine would be the case for me as well. How much has your experience during those 40 years altered your perception of your own life, of yourself and your subjective experience? That's what matters ultimately.

 

[whywere]

Hi Walter, thanks for your input! I see now that the way I phrased that last paragraph gives off a wrong impression. I wasn't suggesting that I've gained some perfect wisdom, intelligence or anything of that sort, I know how ignorant and foolish I am. I'm just assuming (and yes, this is wrong in the strict sense) that people are largely already developed by their mid twenties let's say and change very little from that point onwards. This is a simplification of course, as exposure to new experiences and ideas does change people, but that's just my model for the universe, I have to work with the available data and resources after all, and previous experience is what we all base our knowledge upon.

Now when chronic fatigue and lack of motivation to do anything to improve are among one's ailments, my "past predicts future" model becomes a bit more accurate. Because unlike positive experiences that are generally short-lived in nature and eventually disappear on their own, negative experiences and states of mind often require informed active participation in order to change. I'm neither informed nor do I have the energy required to fix myself.

We never stop learning of course and you're most likely a lot wiser and a lot more educated now than 40 years ago, but even amidst all that change you're still suicidal, and that's what I imagine would be the case for me as well. How much has your experience during those 40 years altered your perception of your own life, of yourself and your subjective experience? That's what matters ultimately.

Thank you so much for getting back, to answer your multiple question at the end of your post , I REALLY liked it, you are very smart., me well not really. Here it goes: I have found from 1974 when I got out of high school, till 2021 that my life has changed from all about money to helping people, knowing that this is just a stop on a endless voyage through time and space, of myself, I used to be more uptight, greedy , self-centered and all about me, through the decades I have learned, some times the hard way that there is a whole lot more to this existence then just money, material things and the like. When I was younger I had more money and back stabbing people around me who like me for what I could either get them or do for them but deep down HATED me. I changed to the degree that I want to help people and make people feel good about themselves and alot less on getting material goodies and lots of money. Remember, one leaves with what comes with..ZERO, so the mark that one leaves is so important. Lastly in a nut shell, what goes around comes around, easy to judge, hard to understand, close ones eyes to see(invision) , one has to understand that they might seem to be a speck on this earth BUT in real terms EVERYONE is unique and very special and brings with that a way throught his life and beyond to help. You are a VERY special person with alot of love, caring and kindness about youself and at just 22 you have NOT even have scratched the surface yet as far as what you can do not only for yourself BUT humanity and the spark of difference that each person has is a foundation of that. Walter and like usual real first name, 65 years young, gray hair and never phony.

 

[hʚll]

i read this post sometime ago. and it made me cry that you had to go through all that trauma and abuse just because you are suffering so much and you want to escape the pain. im so sorry for that. i wanted to thank you also for coming back and sharing your experience. i hope next time you will be a lot luckier. peace to you soon!