So i had planned to ctb nye/day but i didnt. Planned method SN. Well things really spiraled down hill for me. Then i got into a car accident April 3rd 2021. I should have died and i didn't. The realization of that was difficult for me to process. Like why didn't i die? But also had i died I would have died alone on the side of the road because not 1 car stopped to help me. I was really a a battle in my mind with this because on one hand i wanted to die anyway and even though the accident wasnt on purpose i couldnt understand why i survived with just a cut on the bridge of my nose. Yet how worthless i felt climbing out in the pitch black morning hours alone because no one cared enough to help.
I had fell asleep after leaving work on my 1.5 hr drive. Came to and hit a gaurd rail i was going at least 70 if not more. Hit 50 feet of railing and my car flipped unknown amount of times before landing upside down in a ditch.
Afterwards i felt so confused with death and life i felt i needed a friend to talk to. But no one had time. I just felt like i didn't matter to anyone very much which led me to the onward battle in my head of why did i survive?
At this time i was also homeless and i stayed in a park in a tent close to my moms house so i could still eat and shower. But that night i was never more sure about ctb and i finally ordered the SN. It was to arrive at a pickup hub on the 6th of April.
A friend found out as he noticed i was more depressed sounding than usual. We met up on the 5th. We talked and argued and he left upset and angry knowing what i was going to do. Long story short he called me back minutes later and threatened to take his gun and blow his brains out on the phone with me. I felt worried about him so i said i wouldnt do the Sn but i felt maybe i should just jump off a bridge. I was just talking shit but then it hit me that it would be perfect.
So i got off the phone with him promising i would cancel my SN order and get some "mental help". He made me send him a screen shot of the canceled order and i did. I told him my phone was about to die so i could get of the phone. I stopped at the bridge . i had my dogs in the car. I hugged them and as i was about to get out of the car my phone rang. It was him he had looked at the screen shot and realized i lied about my phone battery.
I guess in that moment of me answering the phone again was all it took for the bridge people or whatever to send someone to my car. After i managed to get off the phone i got out and climbed over the railing. The feeling i felt was not really scared but more like wow this is happening I'm about to do this. What's I had climbed over I knew there was no turning back and I was okay with it. I think that's how you know when you are ready you know there is no turning back a you are okay with it. Like, I think if you weren't ready then you would be scared. I was nervous more like anxious but not scared. I think if a person is not ready then they would be thinking there is no turning back oh no what do I do why did I do this? But I was more like I'm doing this I'm good I got this. Anyway when I had climbed over a tow truck had just pulled up I guess the bridge people Tower whatever you want to call it has sent a Department of Transportation driver over to see what was wrong.
The thing is I have had this Vision in my head before of how I would do it if I were to jump off of a bridge. Do you have your phone with you? Do you call someone that you love the most to say goodbye right as you're jumping in? Do you write your notes and send it in an email schedule to send just as you are jumping off? I left my phone in the car I figured it would be better for them to identify me or be able to contact my family to tell them. I didn't really plan on talking to the tow truck guy but he tried to make conversation obviously to get me to come back over. I was good with what I was doing because I knew that would be the end it had to be because I couldn't swim. Like seriously. What better way she died that you jump off a bridge into water that is like 100 ft can you take swim like how could you go wrong with that right? Well I guess I will roll with it cuz I'm still here. But anyway I just looked at the man and I said I'm going to die tonight they said me no you're not and that was it. I didn't actually jump I actually just let go I was holding on to a Lamppost that was attached to the r a i l so I let go a bit they held onto the rail itself and then I just let go. When I fell in I fell in feet first and I guess that is where I went wrong I suppose if I had went head-first it could have knocked me out and I would not have been able to make it back to the top of the water. But yeah like I said I went feet first I did feel myself being pulled down but i guess i underestimated the body's natural reflex of fight or flight and as i felt my self going under i was fighting to get back to the surface. And i did get back to the surface. I couldnt believe it. Once at the top i was floating and couldnt get the nerve again to make myself go back under. Guys, i never floated in my life. I have tried to swim and float in the past never could do it. Of all the times it could fucking work. Anyway at that point i was angry with myself for being a failure at failing life. I was also scared at that point cuz it was like 10 pm pitch black and i was floating away thinking damn i hope it aint no sharks in here. Im about to get eaten by sharks while dying of hypothermia lol.
Well ironically me answering that call first and the tow driver showing up is probably what kept me from dying of hypothermia because that might not have found me had someone not seen me go into the water. I was pulled out by boat either fire dept or coast guard idk.
They took me to a hospital and did the whole 9 yards. I had no injuries. Then they put me on suicide watch and the next night sent me upstairs to the mental ward. I was in there almost a month. I was put on high doses of meds over that period. Seriously like 6 different meds.
Anyway after i got out i have tried to get back to normal. I stopped taking the meds started again and stopped. I just cant keep a routine of theses pills. Anyway the thing is i drive over that bridge every day. When I first got out of the hospital my sister asked me does it feel weird driving over that bridge? I told her no. But overtime driving over that bridge every single day it does get to me. I don't know if you can say it gets to me it just never lets me forget. I drive over the bridge anywhere from two to six times in a day due to work in school. Every single time I drive over the spot where I did it I think about it. I think about what I did wrong why it did not work, the events of that night, how it all happened, i really relive it. My mind used to be consumed with all the shit of my childhood that made me the weird depressed person i am but now my mind is consumed with my failed attempt and my car accident. My past is still in there but is more consumed with these 2 things now.
I do think of how things would have been had i succeeded. One thing that pisses me off was that one friend i mentioned, he had the nerve to say how could i do this to "HIM"! Like really its not about you i did it to me not you. Family said " i thought you were the strong one" "there were no signs that you would do something like this"
It made me realize what i already knew... Nobody knows me. They only see what they want to see.
If there was one regret it would be that my oldest son found out. He thought i was dead. By surviving it hurt that i broke his hard that way and it is something he will always remember. Hes just a teenager.
Lately im trying to move on but im consumed by it. Its not over and my depression is not magically gone. It doesn't work that way. I have been thinking about hypnotherapy. What do you guys think?
I had fell asleep after leaving work on my 1.5 hr drive. Came to and hit a gaurd rail i was going at least 70 if not more. Hit 50 feet of railing and my car flipped unknown amount of times before landing upside down in a ditch.
Afterwards i felt so confused with death and life i felt i needed a friend to talk to. But no one had time. I just felt like i didn't matter to anyone very much which led me to the onward battle in my head of why did i survive?
At this time i was also homeless and i stayed in a park in a tent close to my moms house so i could still eat and shower. But that night i was never more sure about ctb and i finally ordered the SN. It was to arrive at a pickup hub on the 6th of April.
A friend found out as he noticed i was more depressed sounding than usual. We met up on the 5th. We talked and argued and he left upset and angry knowing what i was going to do. Long story short he called me back minutes later and threatened to take his gun and blow his brains out on the phone with me. I felt worried about him so i said i wouldnt do the Sn but i felt maybe i should just jump off a bridge. I was just talking shit but then it hit me that it would be perfect.
So i got off the phone with him promising i would cancel my SN order and get some "mental help". He made me send him a screen shot of the canceled order and i did. I told him my phone was about to die so i could get of the phone. I stopped at the bridge . i had my dogs in the car. I hugged them and as i was about to get out of the car my phone rang. It was him he had looked at the screen shot and realized i lied about my phone battery.
I guess in that moment of me answering the phone again was all it took for the bridge people or whatever to send someone to my car. After i managed to get off the phone i got out and climbed over the railing. The feeling i felt was not really scared but more like wow this is happening I'm about to do this. What's I had climbed over I knew there was no turning back and I was okay with it. I think that's how you know when you are ready you know there is no turning back a you are okay with it. Like, I think if you weren't ready then you would be scared. I was nervous more like anxious but not scared. I think if a person is not ready then they would be thinking there is no turning back oh no what do I do why did I do this? But I was more like I'm doing this I'm good I got this. Anyway when I had climbed over a tow truck had just pulled up I guess the bridge people Tower whatever you want to call it has sent a Department of Transportation driver over to see what was wrong.
The thing is I have had this Vision in my head before of how I would do it if I were to jump off of a bridge. Do you have your phone with you? Do you call someone that you love the most to say goodbye right as you're jumping in? Do you write your notes and send it in an email schedule to send just as you are jumping off? I left my phone in the car I figured it would be better for them to identify me or be able to contact my family to tell them. I didn't really plan on talking to the tow truck guy but he tried to make conversation obviously to get me to come back over. I was good with what I was doing because I knew that would be the end it had to be because I couldn't swim. Like seriously. What better way she died that you jump off a bridge into water that is like 100 ft can you take swim like how could you go wrong with that right? Well I guess I will roll with it cuz I'm still here. But anyway I just looked at the man and I said I'm going to die tonight they said me no you're not and that was it. I didn't actually jump I actually just let go I was holding on to a Lamppost that was attached to the r a i l so I let go a bit they held onto the rail itself and then I just let go. When I fell in I fell in feet first and I guess that is where I went wrong I suppose if I had went head-first it could have knocked me out and I would not have been able to make it back to the top of the water. But yeah like I said I went feet first I did feel myself being pulled down but i guess i underestimated the body's natural reflex of fight or flight and as i felt my self going under i was fighting to get back to the surface. And i did get back to the surface. I couldnt believe it. Once at the top i was floating and couldnt get the nerve again to make myself go back under. Guys, i never floated in my life. I have tried to swim and float in the past never could do it. Of all the times it could fucking work. Anyway at that point i was angry with myself for being a failure at failing life. I was also scared at that point cuz it was like 10 pm pitch black and i was floating away thinking damn i hope it aint no sharks in here. Im about to get eaten by sharks while dying of hypothermia lol.
Well ironically me answering that call first and the tow driver showing up is probably what kept me from dying of hypothermia because that might not have found me had someone not seen me go into the water. I was pulled out by boat either fire dept or coast guard idk.
They took me to a hospital and did the whole 9 yards. I had no injuries. Then they put me on suicide watch and the next night sent me upstairs to the mental ward. I was in there almost a month. I was put on high doses of meds over that period. Seriously like 6 different meds.
Anyway after i got out i have tried to get back to normal. I stopped taking the meds started again and stopped. I just cant keep a routine of theses pills. Anyway the thing is i drive over that bridge every day. When I first got out of the hospital my sister asked me does it feel weird driving over that bridge? I told her no. But overtime driving over that bridge every single day it does get to me. I don't know if you can say it gets to me it just never lets me forget. I drive over the bridge anywhere from two to six times in a day due to work in school. Every single time I drive over the spot where I did it I think about it. I think about what I did wrong why it did not work, the events of that night, how it all happened, i really relive it. My mind used to be consumed with all the shit of my childhood that made me the weird depressed person i am but now my mind is consumed with my failed attempt and my car accident. My past is still in there but is more consumed with these 2 things now.
I do think of how things would have been had i succeeded. One thing that pisses me off was that one friend i mentioned, he had the nerve to say how could i do this to "HIM"! Like really its not about you i did it to me not you. Family said " i thought you were the strong one" "there were no signs that you would do something like this"
It made me realize what i already knew... Nobody knows me. They only see what they want to see.
If there was one regret it would be that my oldest son found out. He thought i was dead. By surviving it hurt that i broke his hard that way and it is something he will always remember. Hes just a teenager.
Lately im trying to move on but im consumed by it. Its not over and my depression is not magically gone. It doesn't work that way. I have been thinking about hypnotherapy. What do you guys think?
