Help Failed ctb today. Was this survival instinct or something else?

[doublecupj]

I had my mind 1000% made up that today would be the day. I planned to shoot myself this morning with my shotgun, in a wooded area away from my house. I even got a hotel for the night before so I could finish up my notes and final instructions.

Then I slept for maybe 2 hours last night and left out at 5 AM. I drove to the town I had chosen, looked around some woods, but everywhere I looked just didn't seem "right". So I drove to the next town. And then the next. And this went on for 3 AND A HALF HOURS.

The longer this went on, the more I thought about my poor Dad and how hurt he would be by my death. I just imagined him going about his day like normal and then getting that news.

Then I thought about the possible pain after i take the shot. How will I even know I did it right?

Then most perplexing....what happens once I'm dead? Nothingness? How is that even possible? I mean I guess it could be like general anesthesia but I actually wake up from that, which is why I have a reference point about what it's like. Once I'm dead I'm just dead forever.

And I just couldn't bare it. I broke down sobbing. Then I drove to work and went about my day like normal.

I had everything planned so why couldn't I do it? Is this lack of courage/fear of dying or genuine inability to hurt my loved ones?

 

[edu0z]

I've had that same experience dozens of times when I go to try... eventually you accept it and stop trying.

 

[Anonymoususer1234]

It could be both.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Then most perplexing....what happens once I'm dead? Nothingness? How is that even possible? I mean I guess it could be like general anesthesia but I actually wake up from that, which is why I have a reference point about what it's like. Once I'm dead I'm just dead forever.

Would you rather face suffering or uncertainty? When it comes to choosing between life and death, there's no good option, just a subjective less bad one.

I had everything planned so why couldn't I do it? Is this lack of courage/fear of dying or genuine inability to hurt my loved ones?

It sounds like a fear of the uncertainty of death. There's nothing wrong with having empathy for your loved one. My recovery buddy said that no amount of remorse from others would be greater than the suffering he is feeling though, so it's a perspective to consider how much suffering you will inflict on others when you die and if it's greater or less than what you're feeling right now.