Venting Failed CTB attempt

[sadbunnyhop]

Ive been pondering if I should CTB for about a month consistently now, though ive struggled with my mental health and relapsing for over a decade. I have a few things left I know I for sure wanted to get done if I were to CTB, one of them being to finish producing at least one song. Well, in doing this I caused myself to spiral and impulsively decided to CTB this morning. Problem is I never wanted to do it at home, since I live with others and dont want them to have to find me. But in the moment, I decided if it works, I selfishly wouldnt have to bare the consequences of someone finding me. If it didnt work, then I would just have to try again another time. I barricaded my door, locked it, and wrote out a very long note on my phone. I put my favorite music on to soothe me as I cross, and used a belt in my closet in this attempt. I monitored my location app to make sure nobody was on the way home, and that the person who was home was still asleep. If all went well, they would've left the house soon after and they wouldn't have had to discover me. Unfortunately, I started gagging and vomited. I sat dazed for a moment and decided to try one more time, I adjusted my position so I would be less likely to fail due to SI kicking in. This time, I think I did it better because my SI went crazy and I had to try to focus on the music. During this, I heard a knock at my door and literally froze. I stood up and frantically tried to untie myself, and they kept knocking. My door was barricaded so it took me a second to open the door. They definitely are highly suspicious now, and im still here. Im so angry and disappointed in myself. I am slightly relieved though, because if I succeeded I realized they would've been the one to break down my door and end up finding me. Now im just lost. I feel like I am just delaying the date every day I continue living. This has been extremely hard to come to terms with, as I truly have been trying to convince myself I had a chance. Going through traumatic issues through my childhood, I know my brain is structurally damaged. I know there are certain behaviors and responses I will never be able to fully get rid of. I will never be able to hold a stable, healthy friend ship or relationship, because healthy people can not tolerate my shit. And I can not tolerate toxic people in my life either. So what am I left with? My only option is to have toxic relationships, and feel more miserable, used, and abused, which will lead to me CTB regardless. Yes I could continue going to therapy, but my conditions leave me having to go to therapy for life. I can't afford that. Ive been on my own since I was 16, and I am emotionally stunted. Ive never lived in an environment where I felt fully loved, supported, and understood. Everyone thinks im just an attention seeker, that living with my brain isnt "that bad", that im not trying hard enough. They never will understand that ive been trying so hard for over a decade. The world was not meant for people like me. The only way I see myself happy is living in the country in a house isolated from the world, with unlimited resources. Im so tired of hearing what other people have to say about my life, when they dont even know half of what ive went through. How could someone say they love and understand and want the best for you, then go and complain about how lazy and annoying you are? People suck. The good ones dont want me around, and I honestly cant blame them. I was destined for failure once my brain became structurally damaged. People say they want me around, but I can't care about those words anymore. You want me around, yet you are going to abandon me in a few months once you realize I really am structurally damaged. People want to say, oh you dont know that, you have to find the right ones. When I hold everything in, they still know something is off about me, and they leave. Even the people I consider "close friends" show signs of wanting to distance from me. I cant handle being left again. I cant handle unintentionally hurting the ones I care the most about. Some people just arent meant to live in this world, and I am one of them. There is no way I can try to CTB anytime soon, because now those close to me are on high alert. This hurts even worse to see them act like they care, I know they believe they care, but its selfish also. Why should I live for you? Especially when you have and are going to hurt me? To leave me after swearing up and down you wont? I dont know anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

Failing ctb is exactly what I fear and I really hate how it's so difficult to die in this world, I certainly think it's true that some people aren't meant to exist here which is why it's inhumane how other people wish to make us prisoners to this existence. It's like many people forget that we are all just going to die anyway.