I'm sorry if this sounds... totally insane, but all my life, I've always felt sort of different from other people. Obviously, that's true to some extent, but I'm talking about how I feel sort of like a kind of machine, I'd like to say? I'm not sure how else to phrase it. Maybe a robot. That might be the right word. Anyways, from the moment I was born--honestly, even before I was conceived, to be honest, I've always been treated like... a thing. Not a person. It was always about how I could serve others. What I was good for. My purpose, if you will.
I was brought into this world to do what others tell me. My mother ruined my emotions and pretty much put me to sleep through emotional neglect and abuse. I only ever first woke up when I was... around twelve, I'd say. Before that, it was all someone else. But, either way, I was raised and brought up to understand that I was controlled by something that feels greater than I am. Something quasi-religious. I don't really have a name for it, but it felt like a real god to me. It controlled my whims, my ambitions, everything. It was Purpose. It told me who to be, how to behave, what others wanted. It began to neglect me after my sexual assault, and it abandoned me not long after that. Without some reason to go on, some goal--possible or not--to achieve, I became self-destructive. I've tried before to stab myself, but my desire to live managed to overtake it. Maybe that was just an attempt to gain some control over my life. Hell if I know. Sorry if I'm cutting this thread short, I'm just... a little tired and I wanted to get this out there. Bye and love.
I was brought into this world to do what others tell me. My mother ruined my emotions and pretty much put me to sleep through emotional neglect and abuse. I only ever first woke up when I was... around twelve, I'd say. Before that, it was all someone else. But, either way, I was raised and brought up to understand that I was controlled by something that feels greater than I am. Something quasi-religious. I don't really have a name for it, but it felt like a real god to me. It controlled my whims, my ambitions, everything. It was Purpose. It told me who to be, how to behave, what others wanted. It began to neglect me after my sexual assault, and it abandoned me not long after that. Without some reason to go on, some goal--possible or not--to achieve, I became self-destructive. I've tried before to stab myself, but my desire to live managed to overtake it. Maybe that was just an attempt to gain some control over my life. Hell if I know. Sorry if I'm cutting this thread short, I'm just... a little tired and I wanted to get this out there. Bye and love.
