poisonedminds
Student
- May 8, 2021
- 179
The day I tried to die was April 12th, 2021.
I did not want to die at home so on that day, I took my car and drove a random direction, not knowing where I was going. I drove for a few hours away from the city through landstreets and found myself at a park with a large river. In my final hours, I walked through the park, ate blueberries and vegetarian sushi, called my mom and reflected on life. I felt the deepest, purest feeling of peace I have ever felt. In those hours, I forgave everyone who ever wronged me, even my abusive father. I felt no more anger, no more fear, maybe just pity for his miserable existence. I felt spiritually clean and at peace.
As it started to become dark, around 8pm, I once again took my car and drove back on the landstreets. Houses were few and far apart. I found a shed with a small pond behind it. I parked my car, looked around and decided this would be a good place to die.
I sat down at the pond, halted for a moment, then jumped right into it: started shoveling handfuls of pills into my mouth. I had a big jar of random pills - 6 or 7 grams of benadryl, but also prozac, multiple grams of tylenol, iron, seroquel, etc.
With each mouthful, it was getting harder and harder to swallow. I left a few at the end, as I figured ten more or less wouldn't make a difference at that point.
Then I smoked a joint, hoping it would act as an anti-emetic. I sat at the pond for about an hour but I started feeling extremely cold and shivering, so I moved into my car. I was also smoking DMT from a vape pen throughout. I did this because I thought that was the logical thing to do as I died. I had elaborate hallucinations, one in particular was a colourful mechanical bear made out of gears and holding a scythe.
After some hours, I thought it was taking a long time to die and was becoming inpatient, and I was also starting to feel very tired, so I decided to try to sleep, fully expecting not to wake up.
Alas, I awoke a few hours later and immediately vomited in my car. It was bright pink. I opened my car door and vomited again. I continued sleeping and intermittently vomiting through the car door until the sun had risen. At that point, the reality was setting in: I was going to survive. I was extremely weak and in severe pain, but not dead, nor dying, really.
I decided to drive to the hospital, because if I wasn't dying, there was no reason to continue enduring this pain and suffering. Thankfully, I was not as far from civilization as I had thought, however, I kept having to stop to throw up. At that point I was vomiting pure dark blood. On one of my vomiting breaks, someone stopped to help me. He asked me some questions. By that point I probably sounded incoherent. I was incredibly weak and couldn't find any good excuses as to what I was doing in this unknown city at 6am and why I was throwing up blood.
The man called an ambulance, the rest of the story gets pretty blurry in my memories.
I was transported to hospital and immediately admitted to the ICU. I had a life-threatening heart arrhythmia once I got there, the nurses got really fucking hectic and jumped on me to stick reanimation pods on my chest, I didn't feel anything as it was happening. I was very very weak and out of it though. I could only communicate by whispering. I was still vomiting blood, by then it looked like coffee grounds and vomiting was excruciatingly painful. I was also desperately thirsty but the nurses wouldn't allow me to drink.
They drew blood and apparently my potassium was critically low (2,4). I got potassium IV, magnesium IV and many more. I was still hallucinating vividly, the mechanical bear hallucination stayed by my side for a few days. My heart rate was extremely high, I had chest pains, and I felt very weak and sick. I spent 3 days in the ICU, then 2 more in the psych ward. Swallowing caused extreme pain and I barely ate anything for a week. I lost over 6 pounds.
After discharge, I continued experiencing severe chest pains, throat pains and weakness for about a week before I felt better. I spent a lot of time pondering why I didn't die.
I feel like if I had waited longer, I maybe would have died considering the cardiac event that happened at the hospital.
It's been 2 years and I still think about suicide often. I don't know why I felt the need to write my experience out and share it. It did feel kinda therapeutic to do it though.
I did not want to die at home so on that day, I took my car and drove a random direction, not knowing where I was going. I drove for a few hours away from the city through landstreets and found myself at a park with a large river. In my final hours, I walked through the park, ate blueberries and vegetarian sushi, called my mom and reflected on life. I felt the deepest, purest feeling of peace I have ever felt. In those hours, I forgave everyone who ever wronged me, even my abusive father. I felt no more anger, no more fear, maybe just pity for his miserable existence. I felt spiritually clean and at peace.
As it started to become dark, around 8pm, I once again took my car and drove back on the landstreets. Houses were few and far apart. I found a shed with a small pond behind it. I parked my car, looked around and decided this would be a good place to die.
I sat down at the pond, halted for a moment, then jumped right into it: started shoveling handfuls of pills into my mouth. I had a big jar of random pills - 6 or 7 grams of benadryl, but also prozac, multiple grams of tylenol, iron, seroquel, etc.
With each mouthful, it was getting harder and harder to swallow. I left a few at the end, as I figured ten more or less wouldn't make a difference at that point.
Then I smoked a joint, hoping it would act as an anti-emetic. I sat at the pond for about an hour but I started feeling extremely cold and shivering, so I moved into my car. I was also smoking DMT from a vape pen throughout. I did this because I thought that was the logical thing to do as I died. I had elaborate hallucinations, one in particular was a colourful mechanical bear made out of gears and holding a scythe.
After some hours, I thought it was taking a long time to die and was becoming inpatient, and I was also starting to feel very tired, so I decided to try to sleep, fully expecting not to wake up.
Alas, I awoke a few hours later and immediately vomited in my car. It was bright pink. I opened my car door and vomited again. I continued sleeping and intermittently vomiting through the car door until the sun had risen. At that point, the reality was setting in: I was going to survive. I was extremely weak and in severe pain, but not dead, nor dying, really.
I decided to drive to the hospital, because if I wasn't dying, there was no reason to continue enduring this pain and suffering. Thankfully, I was not as far from civilization as I had thought, however, I kept having to stop to throw up. At that point I was vomiting pure dark blood. On one of my vomiting breaks, someone stopped to help me. He asked me some questions. By that point I probably sounded incoherent. I was incredibly weak and couldn't find any good excuses as to what I was doing in this unknown city at 6am and why I was throwing up blood.
The man called an ambulance, the rest of the story gets pretty blurry in my memories.
I was transported to hospital and immediately admitted to the ICU. I had a life-threatening heart arrhythmia once I got there, the nurses got really fucking hectic and jumped on me to stick reanimation pods on my chest, I didn't feel anything as it was happening. I was very very weak and out of it though. I could only communicate by whispering. I was still vomiting blood, by then it looked like coffee grounds and vomiting was excruciatingly painful. I was also desperately thirsty but the nurses wouldn't allow me to drink.
They drew blood and apparently my potassium was critically low (2,4). I got potassium IV, magnesium IV and many more. I was still hallucinating vividly, the mechanical bear hallucination stayed by my side for a few days. My heart rate was extremely high, I had chest pains, and I felt very weak and sick. I spent 3 days in the ICU, then 2 more in the psych ward. Swallowing caused extreme pain and I barely ate anything for a week. I lost over 6 pounds.
After discharge, I continued experiencing severe chest pains, throat pains and weakness for about a week before I felt better. I spent a lot of time pondering why I didn't die.
I feel like if I had waited longer, I maybe would have died considering the cardiac event that happened at the hospital.
It's been 2 years and I still think about suicide often. I don't know why I felt the need to write my experience out and share it. It did feel kinda therapeutic to do it though.
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