Discussion failed attempt, how to prepare to try again?

[Vivisection]

This'll probably mostly be rambling, apologies for that but alas there's nowhere else I could put this.
(also sorry if theres be a better tag for this to have)

Last month after putting it off for way too long I ended up trying to CTB and managed to fail

it freaked me out to say the least and I ended up telling so many people close to me

Im not sure what I was hoping for with that, friends took me to try and see a doctor but nowhere would help

my boyfriend got really passive aggresive about it
made me promise to stick around untill we live together, then somehow everything will be better

(also anyone reading this, advice on how to not feel guilty about knowing I'll break a promise like this ^)

thing is I wish I didn't say anything because I'm no doubt gonna try again

I've been slowly putting myself into a position where it'll be my only true choice
I quit my job and I live effectively alone,
Gonna go with partial hanging, the only reason it didn't work before was a brief moment on panic but I'm sure if I get drunk it'll be easier,

Is there really anything else I should try to prepare? Maybe anything that'll make me feel less guilty about going through with it?
or just any advice in general??

surely you can tell how scattered my thoughts are here, but i remember how helpful this place is

 

[northevelyn]

I'd really encourage you to seek out therapy or a psychiatrist. A lot of people get a lot from having a more balanced brain chemistry. You clearly have people that care about you. Maybe give them a chance and try seeking help.

 

[Vivisection]

I'd really encourage you to seek out therapy or a psychiatrist. A lot of people get a lot from having a more balanced brain chemistry. You clearly have people that care about you. Maybe give them a chance and try seeking help.

funny thing is ive been seeking help and had no luck
I dont have a family doctor but I've walked into dozens of clinics and called every number ive gotten my hands on
even taken advice from people I know who have actually gotten help

its a very hopeless feeling lol
I dont know why nothings working :p

 

[northevelyn]

funny thing is ive been seeking help and had no luck
I dont have a family doctor but I've walked into dozens of clinics and called every number ive gotten my hands on
even taken advice from people I know who have actually gotten help

its a very hopeless feeling lol
I dont know why nothings working :p

That sounds really hard. Unfortunately healthcare can be frustrating and unhelpful at times.

 

[Vivisection]

That sounds really hard. Unfortunately healthcare can be frustrating and unhelpful at times.

yeaahh :/ im just like, a cosmic sort of exhausted at this point

 

[northevelyn]

yeaahh :/ im just like, a cosmic sort of exhausted at this point

I relate to that sentence