When I tried to hang myself, it took me so long to be able to step off the desk I was on to hang. I did have a few shots of alcohol before the one attempt where I actually stepped off. Multiple attempts of tying the rope around my neck encouraging myself to step off, thinking, "it will be painful but eventually over". When I finally went through with it the pain I felt as my body weight was held by my neck and also the rope tightening caused SI to kick in. I had the rope below my Adam's apple and if I try again I won't be placing it there, but at the top of my neck. I didn't feel like I was going to pass out, (and I have passed out many times in my life and know that feeling but it wasn't there yet when I tried) the pain overwhelmed me. I also felt lonely in that moment it was silent, but I can imagine that feeling wouldn't have been there if the regular noise of trucks, construction and people had been present when I did it (it was certainly noisy and annoying when I was standing on my desk trying to convince myself to do it) There was a sound of a cruel school boy calling another boy retarded or something like that outside my apartment as they walked home from their school and I used that as motivation to go ahead with it.
But when I was hanging for how ever many seconds (that felt long to me) I realised that this attempt would potentially be long and painful. My desk was in reach when I hadn't anticipated it being when I planned it. This was because I had tried to take into account that the rope might lower me a little when I put my full weight and I was also coming from an angle when stepping off the desk. Now I am scared of feeling that pain and panic but I still have such a desire to do it due to my circumstances. The noise of construction outside right now just before midnight triggers the want to try again but who knows if I'll do it anytime soon.
But when I was hanging for how ever many seconds (that felt long to me) I realised that this attempt would potentially be long and painful. My desk was in reach when I hadn't anticipated it being when I planned it. This was because I had tried to take into account that the rope might lower me a little when I put my full weight and I was also coming from an angle when stepping off the desk. Now I am scared of feeling that pain and panic but I still have such a desire to do it due to my circumstances. The noise of construction outside right now just before midnight triggers the want to try again but who knows if I'll do it anytime soon.
