Fading Away

[ShatteredRose]

I feel so alone. I'm getting used to it. I'm new to this site and I actually just stumbled upon it trying to find the quickest way to kill myself. I don't feel I can talk to anyone. This world has become so full of hate, fakeness and I can't live up the expectations anymore. You don't fit in if you're not perfect. I've lost everyone. Everyone walked away and gave up because I'm not worth it. Not good enough. I just want it all to end. I want to feel nothing, not this pain anymore. Please, I just need advice on the quickest way to go. I don't know where to go as all I do is get judged. I don't know if this is the right place to do this, but it's my last resort. Please help me.

 

[toforigivelife]

I feel so alone. I'm getting used to it. I'm new to this site and I actually just stumbled upon it trying to find the quickest way to kill myself. I don't feel I can talk to anyone. This world has become so full of hate, fairness and I can't live up the expectations anymore. You don't fit in uf you're not perfect. I've lost everyone. Everyone walked away and gave up because I'm not worth it. Not good enough. I just want it all to end. I want to feel nothing, not this pain anymore. Please, I just need advice on the quickest way to go and how to get a hold of what I need. I don't know where to go as all I do is get judged. I don't know if this is the right place to do this, but it's my last resort. Please help me.

You will probably have to create a new post asking about methods and resources.

Being severely depressed and alone is a truly horrible, desolate hopeless feeling.

Are you sure you don't want to give talk therapy or group therapy a try?

 

[ShatteredRose]

You will probably have to create a new post asking about methods and resources.

Being severely depressed and alone is a truly horrible, desolate hopeless feeling.

Are you sure you don't want to give talk therapy or group therapy a try?

Hi…

thank you. I guess I could try to make a new one. God… it is… I feel so done with it all. I lost my family, my baby girl doesn't live with me because I can't even financially take care of myself, let alone her. I lost the love of my life. I feel like my world is just crumbling around me. I've lost so many people and as pathetic as this sounds I just… fuck, I'd kill for just a hug. I don't know, I feel so lost. You can do that here? I honestly didn't think anyone would reply…

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

I hear what you are saying. Just look at posts for ideas on how to do it. There are not a lot of options. You said you are not 'worth it'. I relate, but I think we are worth it...shit just falls apart sometimes.

I wonder how old you are and if it's really so bad you should plan to go. IDK. But I understand and relate.

 

[toforigivelife]

God.

You really are in a deeply painful situation. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

You can create the post and see what people say. I know there are old posts that talk about different methods and you might get links to those.

I really wish there was someone you could turn to. I know that you wish that too. Sorry if that sounded stupid.

Financial distress is deeply traumatic, losing the people who make your life worthwhile is deeply traumatic.

I wish we lived near each other and that there was more that I could do.

If you can reach out for help, please do.

 

[ShatteredRose]

I hear what you are saying. Just look at posts for ideas on how to do it. There are not a lot of options. You said you are not 'worth it'. I relate, but I think we are worth it...shit just falls apart sometimes.

I wonder how old you are and if it's really so bad you should plan to go. IDK. But I understand and relate.

Hello… thank you. I will try that. And thank you for replying. I didn't expect anything. I don't feel worth it. The reasons people have given up on me and walked away tells me I'm not. I feel like all I do is lose at life and I don't see a reason to stay. Everything just hurts and I hide how I feel and just cry. I wish I felt there was a something worth fighting for. I'm sorry you've felt this way too. That makes me sad that so many people feel this way. I'm 32. I don't feel that at this point in my life there is a way to fix anything. I want to say maybe it's not so bad, but I'm in a really bad place that I can't get out. I've tried to kill myself 10 times throughout my life and I can't even seem to get that right. I feel so useless.

 

[weepingfree]

To see some different methods, this is the thread:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

The most popular at present is sodium nitrite (SN), given that it's a legal substance in most countries. It's also a poison that your body will try to reject.

Nembutal (N) is a really peaceful way to go but is illegal in most countries.

There are people on here that know a lot more than I do. Search for older threads about methods and don't hesitate to PM people with questions. They are quite helpful!

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Hello… thank you. I will try that. And thank you for replying. I didn't expect anything. I don't feel worth it. The reasons people have given up on me and walked away tells me I'm not. I feel like all I do is lose at life and I don't see a reason to stay. Everything just hurts and I hide how I feel and just cry. I wish I felt there was a something worth fighting for. I'm sorry you've felt this way too. That makes me sad that so many people feel this way. I'm 32. I don't feel that at this point in my life there is a way to fix anything. I want to say maybe it's not so bad, but I'm in a really bad place that I can't get out. I've tried to kill myself 10 times throughout my life and I can't even seem to get that right. I feel so useless.

Oh no. 10 times is a lot. People on here mostly talk about sodium nitrite and nembutal. Some hanging and some other shit. Idk. It's sad. I'm very sad that there are so many people (and animals) super sad. It's overwhelming. I hope you can find some kind of peace exiting or getting some good meds to make you feel better in the meantime. It super sucks.

 

[ShatteredRose]

God.

You really are in a deeply painful situation. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

You can create the post and see what people say. I know there are old posts that talk about different methods and you might get links to those.

I really wish there was someone you could turn to. I know that you wish that too. Sorry if that sounded stupid.

Financial distress is deeply traumatic, losing the people who make your life worthwhile is deeply traumatic.

I wish we lived near each other and that there was more that I could do.

If you can reach out for help, please do.

Thank you. The fact that you replied and validate my pain is more than hardly anyone in my life has done. To some people my life may not seem so bad, and they tell me that I should be grateful for what I have. My entire family has shunned me for not following their religion and blamed me for all their problems after I tried to kill myself. And again, relationships fall apart all the time, but to be thrown aside by someone you truly believed loved you broke me. Especially because it all started because I was no longer "good" enough. My daughter lives with her dad and is 5. I miss her so much and can't see her as she lives a few hours from me and I don't drive because I'm visually impaired and can't get a license. I'm in so much debt that I can't buy food and eat because I have to pay it off and all because I got stuck in another country when covid happened. Most people I know don't understand and think I'm being dramatic and so many call me an awful mother. I just want things to be okay. I know my story sounds stupid but I'm so depressed. I'm so lonely. I'm alone every day and I just want it to end. God thank you for just listening. I haven't really talked to anyone in so long. My heart hurts so much and I just want it to go away. I'm sorry this is so long. I don't blame you if you don't even read it. I don't have many people in my life who even seem to want me around. You're so kind… thank you. Truly. I don't have words.

 

[ShatteredRose]

To see some different methods, this is the thread:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

The most popular at present is sodium nitrite (SN), given that it's a legal substance in most countries. It's also a poison that your body will try to reject.

Nembutal (N) is a really peaceful way to go but is illegal in most countries.

There are people on here that know a lot more than I do. Search for older threads about methods and don't hesitate to PM people with questions. They are quite helpful!

Thank you. I very much appreciate your help. I'm grateful for your response, I'll look at the thread and look into it. I mean peaceful would be preferable, but an end to my pain is the main goal. I've heard of sodium nitrate. I have been looking into it.

 

[toforigivelife]

Thank you. I very much appreciate your help. I'm grateful for your response, I'll look at the thread and look into it. I mean peaceful would be preferable, but an end to my pain is the main goal. I've heard of sodium nitrate. I have been looking into it.

When I feel the way you do I always wish I knew a heroin dealer.

 

[ShatteredRose]

Oh no. 10 times is a lot. People on here mostly talk about sodium nitrite and nembutal. Some hanging and some other shit. Idk. It's sad. I'm very sad that there are so many people (and animals) super sad. It's overwhelming. I hope you can find some kind of peace exiting or getting some good meds to make you feel better in the meantime. It super sucks.

It is… I guess I've been depressed for a long time. It is sad… and it just breaks my heart more. I haven't heard of Nembutal. I read in the other comment it's peaceful, but illegal. That's unfortunate. Thank you. Truly, I appreciate it. The fact that you even care to reply… that's more than I've had in a long time. I hope I can too. I just want to not feel pain anymore, you know? I hate thinking how many people feel this sadness. I'm sorry you have, too.

When I feel the way you do I always wish I knew a heroin dealer.

I don't, but live in a city where heroin in very prominent and I have highly considered just using the bit of money I have to buy enough to just OD on it. I haven't heard of Nembutal, but now want to look into it further. I'm sorry you have felt that way. That's awful.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hi. Through your messages I see you've truly in pain. I'm sorry for all you have been through.
Life is though. People can find happiness in life, but mostly, those people are lucky enough to not go through much pain, unlike us.
It must have been difficult all those years. Feel free to post about anything, people here can understand you.
I hope you find peace. Whether is ctbing or not. Please know that you are important to us. I'm really sad to read about your pain. I wish I could do more for you.

 

[toforigivelife]

Thank you. The fact that you replied and validate my pain is more than hardly anyone in my life has done. To some people my life may not seem so bad, and they tell me that I should be grateful for what I have. My entire family has shunned me for not following their religion and blamed me for all their problems after I tried to kill myself. And again, relationships fall apart all the time, but to be thrown aside by someone you truly believed loved you broke me. Especially because it all started because I was no longer "good" enough. My daughter lives with her dad and is 5. I miss her so much and can't see her as she lives a few hours from me and I don't drive because I'm visually impaired and can't get a license. I'm in so much debt that I can't buy food and eat because I have to pay it off and all because I got stuck in another country when covid happened. Most people I know don't understand and think I'm being dramatic and so many call me an awful mother. I just want things to be okay. I know my story sounds stupid but I'm so depressed. I'm so lonely. I'm alone every day and I just want it to end. God thank you for just listening. I haven't really talked to anyone in so long. My heart hurts so much and I just want it to go away. I'm sorry this is so long. I don't blame you if you don't even read it. I don't have many people in my life who even seem to want me around. You're so kind… thank you. Truly. I don't have words.

Your story does not sound stupid at all. Not at all.

You are caught up in the circumstances of the times and also caught up in the circumstances of your psychological well being. And that is hell.

When it comes to being in a mental health or suicidal crisis people, even the ones you share bloodlines with, are very quick to turn and run as fast as they can in the opposite direction of you.

I saw a quote today, "Everyone suddenly cares when it's too late."

It's true. "I wish they had said something, I wish they had talked to me before they did this", and then cue the grief stricken weeping.

It's not you. It's people's reaction to mental health and suicidal crisis.

Do you have something you can take for your headache? Can you try to get comfortable and get some sleep or at least lie down for a while? Maybe listen to binaural beats or something soothing to help you relax and rest your mind?

I wish I could do something but whatever you can do to comfort yourself.

I've heard mixed reviews about suicide hotlines. Maybe somebody in this forum can recommend a place you can call where you can find a good person to listen to you.

I hope you stop blaming yourself for the fact that the ones who should care the most have opted to shun you during this time in your life.

Please stop blaming yourself.

Those who have left you feeling so isolated should be ashamed of themselves.

 

[ShatteredRose]

Your story does not sound stupid at all. Not at all.

You are caught up in the circumstances of the times and also caught up in the circumstances of your psychological well being. And that is hell.

When it comes to being in a mental health or suicidal crisis people, even the ones you share bloodlines with, are very quick to turn and run as fast as they can in the opposite direction of you.

I saw a quote today, "Everyone suddenly cares when it's too late."

It's true. "I wish they had said something, I wish they had talked to me before they did this", and then cue the grief stricken weeping.

It's not you. It's people's reaction to mental health and suicidal crisis.

Do you have something you can take for your headache? Can you try to get comfortable and get some sleep or at least lie down for a while? Maybe listen to binaural beats or something soothing to help you relax and rest your mind?

I wish I could do something but whatever you can do to comfort yourself.

I've heard mixed reviews about suicide hotlines. Maybe somebody in this forum can recommend a place you can call where you can find a good person to listen to you.

I hope you stop blaming yourself for the fact that the ones who should care the most have opted to shun you during this time in your life.

Please stop blaming yourself.

Those who have left you feeling so isolated should be ashamed of themselves.

It feels like hell inside my head. I never tell people how much it hurts. When they find out about my family, I always say you can't miss what you never had. But it's not true. I always miss having a loving family around me. Never heard I love you'd, never hugged. I wanted different for my baby girl and have failed her. I wish I could. I truly wish I could stop but I feel like it's all my fault. Fuck that hits home for me. No one seemed to even after I was hospitalized after nearly accomplishing to take my life. I know this all too well as my best friend in my early twenties took his life, and people who hardly knew him mourned and it made me so angry because they didn't even know him and were never there the nights he cried with me on the phone. The people that walked away and left, it cut me deeper than I ever say. I haven't told anyone this in so many years. I stopped opening up and to be entirely truthful just having people I can share this with right now while I'm in the midst of this pain has done more for me than any of the pills or alcohol I've tried to use to dull the pain. It's scary, opening up like this again… I'm curled up in bed right now, blubbering away, but I do have my music on. It helps somewhat… I'll try to maybe find something, or asp degree to call. I guess it's so easy to open here because no one knows me. I don't have to pretend. I'm so tired of pretending. I will try to stop blaming myself… thank you again. For your words, for listening, for your kindness. It has brought me a bit of calm in the chaos. It means a lot to me.

Hi. Through your messages I see you've truly in pain. I'm sorry for all you have been through.
Life is though. People can find happiness in life, but mostly, those people are lucky enough to not go through much pain, unlike us.
It must have been difficult all those years. Feel free to post about anything, people here can understand you.
I hope you find peace. Whether is ctbing or not. Please know that you are important to us. I'm really sad to read about your pain. I wish I could do more for you.

hi. Thank you for your kind words. I did not expect support like this when I joined this site. I'm a bit taken aback. And so grateful. I think I just really needed to be heard. The loneliness has gotten to me. Life seems harder than it's worth to keep fighting. Your words ring true, and lead me to believe you have been through much pain yourself. I'm so sorry. You are undeserving of it. It's been a struggle, and I feel as though I take one step forward, and two steps back. There's so much I have never told the people around me due to their reactions to my depression and the freedom to be open here is new to me. Thank you kind stranger. I can't tell you the last time someone told me I'm important and meant it. The time you took to reply is more than even my own mother would do, so you have done more than you might realize. I'm not used to people caring. I appreciate the words you write. You see my pain that people around me in real life can't even see. I'm used to hearing "get over it" and "oh, it's not as bad as you think"

 

[9BBN]

I'm so so sorry for the paint you have to feel, you truly don't deserve it. Please don't blame yourself, life just sucks sometimes. You're truly a veteran of life. Sending virtual hugs.

 

[ShatteredRose]

I'm so so sorry for the paint you have to feel, you truly don't deserve it. Please don't blame yourself, life just sucks sometimes. You're truly a veteran of life. Sending virtual hugs.

You're too kind to say those words. I feel I do, but I'm also pretty good at punishing myself when life goes wrong. Thank you, for taking time to respond to this. I didn't think anyone would even care, because how could they when they don't know me. It really does suck. So many people hurting too. It's depressing how cold this world has become. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still here after everything. Thank you, just thank you. I really needed that right now!

 

[Rhaiyne]

I am so very sorry for the immense pain you are in.
Sending a huge hugs to you...

 

[toforigivelife]

It feels like hell inside my head. I never tell people how much it hurts. When they find out about my family, I always say you can't miss what you never had. But it's not true. I always miss having a loving family around me. Never heard I love you'd, never hugged. I wanted different for my baby girl and have failed her. I wish I could. I truly wish I could stop but I feel like it's all my fault. Fuck that hits home for me. No one seemed to even after I was hospitalized after nearly accomplishing to take my life. I know this all too well as my best friend in my early twenties took his life, and people who hardly knew him mourned and it made me so angry because they didn't even know him and were never there the nights he cried with me on the phone. The people that walked away and left, it cut me deeper than I ever say. I haven't told anyone this in so many years. I stopped opening up and to be entirely truthful just having people I can share this with right now while I'm in the midst of this pain has done more for me than any of the pills or alcohol I've tried to use to dull the pain. It's scary, opening up like this again… I'm curled up in bed right now, blubbering away, but I do have my music on. It helps somewhat… I'll try to maybe find something, or asp degree to call. I guess it's so easy to open here because no one knows me. I don't have to pretend. I'm so tired of pretending. I will try to stop blaming myself… thank you again. For your words, for listening, for your kindness. It has brought me a bit of calm in the chaos. It means a lot to me.

hi. Thank you for your kind words. I did not expect support like this when I joined this site. I'm a bit taken aback. And so grateful. I think I just really needed to be heard. The loneliness has gotten to me. Life seems harder than it's worth to keep fighting. Your words ring true, and lead me to believe you have been through much pain yourself. I'm so sorry. You are undeserving of it. It's been a struggle, and I feel as though I take one step forward, and two steps back. There's so much I have never told the people around me due to their reactions to my depression and the freedom to be open here is new to me. Thank you kind stranger. I can't tell you the last time someone told me I'm important and meant it. The time you took to reply is more than even my own mother would do, so you have done more than you might realize. I'm not used to people caring. I appreciate the words you write. You see my pain that people around me in real life can't even see. I'm used to hearing "get over it" and "oh, it's not as bad as you think"

It doesn't feel this way right now but you still have a chance with your daughter.

You haven't failed her. You're having a health crisis, a mental health crisis. That's not a failure.

No one would view you as "failing" if you had a physical health crisis.

I know it seems like long road, a thousand mile long road, but if you can seek help and start to stabilize you can become the parent you want to be for your daughter.

If possible, I would start with talk therapy, be honest with a mental health professional and get an accurate diagnosis, stick with talk therapy so that you have someone to talk to, if medication is the only option then let your therapist prescribe what medications are needed.

I wouldn't tell anyone that you're actively trying to kill yourself, they would probably be required to hospitalize you and I don't know how helpful mental hospitals are.

You may also want to get your heart and physical health looked at in order to rule out physical problems that may be contributing to your mental health problems. Your heart and body can be the culprits sometimes.

I don't know how badly off you are, or how dire your mental health state is right now, but all is not lost with your daughter and you haven't failed. You're having a legitimate health crisis, you need help.

If you can think of anyone you can reach out to, please reach out to them, if there is an organization, even if it's a volunteer organization that could be the first step towards finding relief please reach out to them.

I respect a person's right to end their suffering but the decision should be a well thought out decision. If you honestly feel leaving this life is what's best and you honestly feel you've made the right decision then I can respect that decision.

I don't know. I'd love to see you regain your health, regain the life you want and and get the help you need. You're obviously dealing with a lot of pain and anguish.

Praying for you and sending my best wishes.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much, this life can be so cruel and it really is hard to be trapped in a hopeless situation. I wish you well.

 

[ShatteredRose]

I am so very sorry for the immense pain you are in.
Sending a huge hugs to you...

Thank you. Last night was rough for me. When I go, I wanted it to be less messy and quick, but I can't lie my urge to run to the viaduct and just jump off the bridge appealed to me a lot. I just feel so hopeless. I really needed those hugs, thank you! I can't tell you the last time I was hugged. I hope you are doing well.

 

[Rhaiyne]

Thank you. Last night was rough for me. When I go, I wanted it to be less messy and quick, but I can't lie my urge to run to the viaduct and just jump off the bridge appealed to me a lot. I just feel so hopeless. I really needed those hugs, thank you! I can't tell you the last time I was hugged. I hope you are doing

Thank you. Last night was rough for me. When I go, I wanted it to be less messy and quick, but I can't lie my urge to run to the viaduct and just jump off the bridge appealed to me a lot. I just feel so hopeless. I really needed those hugs, thank you! I can't tell you the last time I was hugged. I hope you are doing well.

I'm sorry last night was so rough for you. What helps to get you through those sorts of times?

 

[ShatteredRose]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much, this life can be so cruel and it really is hard to be trapped in a hopeless situation. I wish you well.

Thank you. I appreciate you and your lovely words. It can be. Unfortunately I've seen the worst side of humanity, and it makes me so sad that compassion and kindness have become rare. The fake perfection of society, and the pressure to look and act a certain way has become too draining and not worth the fight for me anymore. I don't want to live up to the worlds expectations with how society has turned into a craze of only caring about physical beauty, how many likes everyone has, who has more money, who's had more plastic surgery, using people, taking advantage of peoples kindness. It blows me away how hurtful humans can be to each other and I don't want to live in a world like this anymore. I don't know, I'm just ranting now I suppose. My apologies. I'm sorry you have felt this pain too. I'm not trying to assume, but I'm also thinking you are on this site for a reason, too. Your kindness is lovely, and I'm grateful. Thank you. I wish you all the best.

 

[ShatteredRose]

It doesn't feel this way right now but you still have a chance with your daughter.

You haven't failed her. You're having a health crisis, a mental health crisis. That's not a failure.

No one would view you as "failing" if you had a physical health crisis.

I know it seems like long road, a thousand mile long road, but if you can seek help and start to stabilize you can become the parent you want to be for your daughter.

If possible, I would start with talk therapy, be honest with a mental health professional and get an accurate diagnosis, stick with talk therapy so that you have someone to talk to, if medication is the only option then let your therapist prescribe what medications are needed.

I wouldn't tell anyone that you're actively trying to kill yourself, they would probably be required to hospitalize you and I don't know how helpful mental hospitals are.

You may also want to get your heart and physical health looked at in order to rule out physical problems that may be contributing to your mental health problems. Your heart and body can be the culprits sometimes.

I don't know how badly off you are, or how dire your mental health state is right now, but all is not lost with your daughter and you haven't failed. You're having a legitimate health crisis, you need help.

If you can think of anyone you can reach out to, please reach out to them, if there is an organization, even if it's a volunteer organization that could be the first step towards finding relief please reach out to them.

I respect a person's right to end their suffering but the decision should be a well thought out decision. If you honestly feel leaving this life is what's best and you honestly feel you've made the right decision then I can respect that decision.

I don't know. I'd love to see you regain your health, regain the life you want and and get the help you need. You're obviously dealing with a lot of pain and anguish.

Praying for you and sending my best wishes.

I does feel like I've failed her though. It's a long story, but my mental health, a long distance relationship and my finances all contributed to her needing to move in with her dad. He wanted more time with her anyway, as he fell off the sobriety truck after mine and his relationship fell apart and I was sole caregiver. He wanted to make up the time he lost with her. It's messy and breaks my heart every day. He's a good dad and tries to help her stay in contact with me, but when you hear my 5 year old beg me to take her to my house when I know I can't pick her up, and even if I could I couldn't feed her… it kills me inside. You're very right about that. Mental health seems to be viewed so differently then physical health. I know too many people that don't take mental health as seriously as physical health problems. I've been told to get over it and just feel grateful for my life. I even had a licensed physiatrist tell me to just "feel happy." Lol. Like it was that simple. I had a really good therapist many years ago and would see her for a long time until she closed her practice. I've been on several different types of meds. Honestly, I really want led to try to find a way to fix things for so long. And, I know this may sound pathetic, but I feel like I've hit my breaking point, it feels like giving up but I don't think I can take one more bad thing happening, you know? I've tried to fix my situation, and it's always seems to backfire on me. To some, my situation may seem not so bad. To me, it looks hopeless from every angle. Your words are lovely, and I wish I felt them as well. Thank you for your advice, and I might give it a try. I'm skeptic all about it, but I know it's because I'm jaded from bad experiences. Maybe I can find a therapist that will truly listen. One or two people In my life know I'm suicidal and want to go. But, most don't due to the reactions I get. I feel as though I've become a burden and they no longer want to hear about it. The kind of people who only want to be around for the good days, not the bad anymore. Maybe it's because I'm too depressed and they just gave up. I've only ever been put in a mental health ward, and I'm all truthfulness it didn't help me. But, I can't speak for other places as I'm sure there are really good places that help people. Maybe I'll go to a doctor to get checked out. I have a few heart problems, with my vision, glaucoma and migraines. Doctors have not yet been able to figure out where my migraines come from and why. Your advice is helpful, thank you. Maybe I'll look into those things. I'm sorry if I sound cynical, I've spent so much time trying to make my life better and I just don't seem to fit in here. I'm going to sound like I'm complaining now, but it's pretty bad… I'm close to losing my apartment, my bank account is closed to bring shut down, I though thousands of dollars in debt from covid and I am not able to financially stay afloat enough to even buy food until I get my check from the government. (Disability checks that don't amount to much, unfortunately.) Sometimes I think this world would be better off. I haven't felt I've made any impact on anyone's life, and like I won't be missed. I think that's just my depression talking though. I guess I don't really know what organizations are in the city I live in as I stay home a lot while I'm not working. Thank you for listening with no judgement. Thank you for not judging and respecting my feelings and decisions. Right now I'm in a place where I just want it to end. I need it to. But, I kind of take it day bu day and go with hiw I feel that day. Some are easier than others I suppose. It's strange for me to know people in real life who seem to not care at all and then to meet someone like you who does joy even know me and wants me to be healthy and happy. It's… refreshingly nice. I want that, too. I truly do. Things have happened, mistakes make that cannot be undone. The fact that read that message all the way through… that means a lot. Thank you. I wish the best for you, too.

 

[ShatteredRose]

I'm sorry last night was so rough for you. What helps to get you through those sorts of times?

Thank you, It felt like an inner battle all night. As dramatic as that sounds. No one has really ever asked me that. Umm… I'm not sure. I'd say music is the first thing that comes to mind. I live music. It's been there for me in my darkest times. It used to be the comfort of people close by that I care about, but I'm alone now. Video games, now that I think of it. It's an escape where I can pretend I'm someone else and I'm not actually here. May I ask, what helps for you? Genuine curiously I suppose.

 

[Rhaiyne]

Thank you, It felt like an inner battle all night. As dramatic as that sounds. No one has really ever asked me that. Umm… I'm not sure. I'd say music is the first thing that comes to mind. I live music. It's been there for me in my darkest times. It used to be the comfort of people close by that I care about, but I'm alone now. Video games, now that I think of it. It's an escape where I can pretend I'm someone else and I'm not actually here. May I ask, what helps for you? Genuine curiously I suppose.

I can relate to the inner battle.
Music and video games... hahaha... I am about the same... definitely a way to escape for a bit and distract the mind.
What video games and what dort of music do you like?

 

[toforigivelife]

I does feel like I've failed her though. It's a long story, but my mental health, a long distance relationship and my finances all contributed to her needing to move in with her dad. He wanted more time with her anyway, as he fell off the sobriety truck after mine and his relationship fell apart and I was sole caregiver. He wanted to make up the time he lost with her. It's messy and breaks my heart every day. He's a good dad and tries to help her stay in contact with me, but when you hear my 5 year old beg me to take her to my house when I know I can't pick her up, and even if I could I couldn't feed her… it kills me inside. You're very right about that. Mental health seems to be viewed so differently then physical health. I know too many people that don't take mental health as seriously as physical health problems. I've been told to get over it and just feel grateful for my life. I even had a licensed physiatrist tell me to just "feel happy." Lol. Like it was that simple. I had a really good therapist many years ago and would see her for a long time until she closed her practice. I've been on several different types of meds. Honestly, I really want led to try to find a way to fix things for so long. And, I know this may sound pathetic, but I feel like I've hit my breaking point, it feels like giving up but I don't think I can take one more bad thing happening, you know? I've tried to fix my situation, and it's always seems to backfire on me. To some, my situation may seem not so bad. To me, it looks hopeless from every angle. Your words are lovely, and I wish I felt them as well. Thank you for your advice, and I might give it a try. I'm skeptic all about it, but I know it's because I'm jaded from bad experiences. Maybe I can find a therapist that will truly listen. One or two people In my life know I'm suicidal and want to go. But, most don't due to the reactions I get. I feel as though I've become a burden and they no longer want to hear about it. The kind of people who only want to be around for the good days, not the bad anymore. Maybe it's because I'm too depressed and they just gave up. I've only ever been put in a mental health ward, and I'm all truthfulness it didn't help me. But, I can't speak for other places as I'm sure there are really good places that help people. Maybe I'll go to a doctor to get checked out. I have a few heart problems, with my vision, glaucoma and migraines. Doctors have not yet been able to figure out where my migraines come from and why. Your advice is helpful, thank you. Maybe I'll look into those things. I'm sorry if I sound cynical, I've spent so much time trying to make my life better and I just don't seem to fit in here. I'm going to sound like I'm complaining now, but it's pretty bad… I'm close to losing my apartment, my bank account is closed to bring shut down, I though thousands of dollars in debt from covid and I am not able to financially stay afloat enough to even buy food until I get my check from the government. (Disability checks that don't amount to much, unfortunately.) Sometimes I think this world would be better off. I haven't felt I've made any impact on anyone's life, and like I won't be missed. I think that's just my depression talking though. I guess I don't really know what organizations are in the city I live in as I stay home a lot while I'm not working. Thank you for listening with no judgement. Thank you for not judging and respecting my feelings and decisions. Right now I'm in a place where I just want it to end. I need it to. But, I kind of take it day bu day and go with hiw I feel that day. Some are easier than others I suppose. It's strange for me to know people in real life who seem to not care at all and then to meet someone like you who does joy even know me and wants me to be healthy and happy. It's… refreshingly nice. I want that, too. I truly do. Things have happened, mistakes make that cannot be undone. The fact that read that message all the way through… that means a lot. Thank you. I wish the best for you, too.

To have to hear your daughter beg like that and to be so far down in the depths like you are. I think you just redefined hell.

Oh, hon'. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.

You did say that, despite his flaws, that he's a good dad and that he recognizes that your daughter needs to be and has a right to be in contact with you. Even though he has sobriety issues I guess those two traits are something positive to focus on.

Your daughter is very young and confused and she misses you. But, from what you described, I'm hoping she's at least in safe hands throughout all this.

Is your family and your husband's family a part of her life as well?

If you do decide to seek professional help maybe start with a new therapist, get a fresh start and ask for a new diagnosis. That might be helpful.

I does feel like I've failed her though. It's a long story, but my mental health, a long distance relationship and my finances all contributed to her needing to move in with her dad. He wanted more time with her anyway, as he fell off the sobriety truck after mine and his relationship fell apart and I was sole caregiver. He wanted to make up the time he lost with her. It's messy and breaks my heart every day. He's a good dad and tries to help her stay in contact with me, but when you hear my 5 year old beg me to take her to my house when I know I can't pick her up, and even if I could I couldn't feed her… it kills me inside. You're very right about that. Mental health seems to be viewed so differently then physical health. I know too many people that don't take mental health as seriously as physical health problems. I've been told to get over it and just feel grateful for my life. I even had a licensed physiatrist tell me to just "feel happy." Lol. Like it was that simple. I had a really good therapist many years ago and would see her for a long time until she closed her practice. I've been on several different types of meds. Honestly, I really want led to try to find a way to fix things for so long. And, I know this may sound pathetic, but I feel like I've hit my breaking point, it feels like giving up but I don't think I can take one more bad thing happening, you know? I've tried to fix my situation, and it's always seems to backfire on me. To some, my situation may seem not so bad. To me, it looks hopeless from every angle. Your words are lovely, and I wish I felt them as well. Thank you for your advice, and I might give it a try. I'm skeptic all about it, but I know it's because I'm jaded from bad experiences. Maybe I can find a therapist that will truly listen. One or two people In my life know I'm suicidal and want to go. But, most don't due to the reactions I get. I feel as though I've become a burden and they no longer want to hear about it. The kind of people who only want to be around for the good days, not the bad anymore. Maybe it's because I'm too depressed and they just gave up. I've only ever been put in a mental health ward, and I'm all truthfulness it didn't help me. But, I can't speak for other places as I'm sure there are really good places that help people. Maybe I'll go to a doctor to get checked out. I have a few heart problems, with my vision, glaucoma and migraines. Doctors have not yet been able to figure out where my migraines come from and why. Your advice is helpful, thank you. Maybe I'll look into those things. I'm sorry if I sound cynical, I've spent so much time trying to make my life better and I just don't seem to fit in here. I'm going to sound like I'm complaining now, but it's pretty bad… I'm close to losing my apartment, my bank account is closed to bring shut down, I though thousands of dollars in debt from covid and I am not able to financially stay afloat enough to even buy food until I get my check from the government. (Disability checks that don't amount to much, unfortunately.) Sometimes I think this world would be better off. I haven't felt I've made any impact on anyone's life, and like I won't be missed. I think that's just my depression talking though. I guess I don't really know what organizations are in the city I live in as I stay home a lot while I'm not working. Thank you for listening with no judgement. Thank you for not judging and respecting my feelings and decisions. Right now I'm in a place where I just want it to end. I need it to. But, I kind of take it day bu day and go with hiw I feel that day. Some are easier than others I suppose. It's strange for me to know people in real life who seem to not care at all and then to meet someone like you who does joy even know me and wants me to be healthy and happy. It's… refreshingly nice. I want that, too. I truly do. Things have happened, mistakes make that cannot be undone. The fact that read that message all the way through… that means a lot. Thank you. I wish the best for you, too.

And, no!!! You have NOT failed her.

You did not intentionally have a serious mental health crisis.

If you were suffering serious complications from diabetes that would not be considered failing your daughter. Just like your mental health crisis that would be a circumstance beyond your control.

 

[ShatteredRose]

I can relate to the inner battle.
Music and video games... hahaha... I am about the same... definitely a way to escape for a bit and distract the mind.
What video games and what dort of music do you like?

It's awful, isn't it? The mental battles we fight, and sometimes I use bad coping mechanisms to get rid of them for a little while. I know I shouldn't, and I don't have any excuses as to why I do it. Temporary escape, I guess? They're truly wonderful in helping to escape, aren't they?! :) I have a few I play, I've always been a PS girl. I like action adventure game. I enjoyed the uncharted and tomb raider series. I play a lot of dead by daylight. (I know it sounds morbid, but I'll watch my character die by the killer and be jealous of their freedom.) I have… a weird taste in music. Mostly EDM, industrial. A lot of German and English bands. VNV nation is one of my favourites when I'm in a really bad place. Their music calms me and brings me peace. What kind of music do you like? And video games? I always enjoy meeting new gamers.

To have to hear your daughter beg like that and to be so far down in the depths like you are. I think you just redefined hell.

Oh, hon'. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.

You did say that, despite his flaws, that he's a good dad and that he recognizes that your daughter needs to be and has a right to be in contact with you. Even though he has sobriety issues I guess those two traits are something positive to focus on.

Your daughter is very young and confused and she misses you. But, from what you described, I'm hoping she's at least in safe hands throughout all this.

Is your family and your husband's family a part of her life as well?

If you do decide to seek professional help maybe start with a new therapist, get a fresh start and ask for a new diagnosis. That might be helpful.

And, no!!! You have NOT failed her.

You did not intentionally have a serious mental health crisis.

If you were suffering serious complications from diabetes that would not be considered failing your daughter. Just like your mental health crisis that would be a circumstance beyond your control.

It feels like hell. It hurts like hell. I think it is hell. :( It's one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. She's my only child, and my world. You have done more for me in a two day span than my own family has ever done for me. You listened. It's been a long time since someone listened without being sick of hearing how sad I am, without telling me to just get over it and be happy. This site actually seems to have people who understand without judgement. It is very much a positive. I know it's morbid to say, but it gives me some type of relief that if my demons ever win and I leave this world that she will be in good hands, and is loved by many. She's too young to go through what she's gone through. She had been transitions between 3 homes for a while at 1 year old, due to her dad she I broke up, and my mother was appointed every other weekend from a court that did not listen to me. She tried to take my baby away because she believes I'm unfit to be her mother as I'm an atheist and not religious, as she is. It did no good for her being so young and loved around a lot. She now has anger that sometimes she doesn't know how to deal with only being 5. :( both are our families are a part of her life, my family has to be, and her dads family are very good to her and spoil her. Alcoholism does unfortunately run in his family though, and I don't like when they all are with her and all drink. I hate it. She should be with me in those times and not subjected to drunk adults that cannot take care of her. Sometimes I do worry for her safety. Not because anyone would hurt her, but because when my ex does get drunk and is around her he is not capable of watching her. He does not do so around her anymore, but he did at one point. He's changed a lot of things for our baby, thankfully. I don't speak to either my side of the family or his. They all despise me quite a bit. That, and I don't speak to my father. He's an abusive, miserable man. God my life sounds pathetic. Lol. Thank you so much. To feel validated and not judged is something I found is rare in a lot of people I know. I appreciate you kindness. <3 I wish others saw it that way, too. I hope you're having a good day.

 

[toforigivelife]

It's awful, isn't it? The mental battles we fight, and sometimes I use bad coping mechanisms to get rid of them for a little while. I know I shouldn't, and I don't have any excuses as to why I do it. Temporary escape, I guess? They're truly wonderful in helping to escape, aren't they?! :) I have a few I play, I've always been a PS girl. I like action adventure game. I enjoyed the uncharted and tomb raider series. I play a lot of dead by daylight. (I know it sounds morbid, but I'll watch my character die by the killer and be jealous of their freedom.) I have… a weird taste in music. Mostly EDM, industrial. A lot of German and English bands. VNV nation is one of my favourites when I'm in a really bad place. Their music calms me and brings me peace. What kind of music do you like? And video games? I always enjoy meeting new gamers.

It feels like hell. It hurts like hell. I think it is hell. :( It's one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. She's my only child, and my world. You have done more for me in a two day span than my own family has ever done for me. You listened. It's been a long time since someone listened without being sick of hearing how sad I am, without telling me to just get over it and be happy. This site actually seems to have people who understand without judgement. It is very much a positive. I know it's morbid to say, but it gives me some type of relief that if my demons ever win and I leave this world that she will be in good hands, and is loved by many. She's too young to go through what she's gone through. She had been transitions between 3 homes for a while at 1 year old, due to her dad she I broke up, and my mother was appointed every other weekend from a court that did not listen to me. She tried to take my baby away because she believes I'm unfit to be her mother as I'm an atheist and not religious, as she is. It did no good for her being so young and loved around a lot. She now has anger that sometimes she doesn't know how to deal with only being 5. :( both are our families are a part of her life, my family has to be, and her dads family are very good to her and spoil her. Alcoholism does unfortunately run in his family though, and I don't like when they all are with her and all drink. I hate it. She should be with me in those times and not subjected to drunk adults that cannot take care of her. Sometimes I do worry for her safety. Not because anyone would hurt her, but because when my ex does get drunk and is around her he is not capable of watching her. He does not do so around her anymore, but he did at one point. He's changed a lot of things for our baby, thankfully. I don't speak to either my side of the family or his. They all despise me quite a bit. That, and I don't speak to my father. He's an abusive, miserable man. God my life sounds pathetic. Lol. Thank you so much. To feel validated and not judged is something I found is rare in a lot of people I know. I appreciate you kindness. <3 I wish others saw it that way, too. I hope you're having a good day.

I'm glad I was able to help you feel a bit better.

I wish it was a simple as "get over it" or "be happy!". It is scary how out of touch the general population is as far as severe depression and what it feels like to be going through a mental health crisis. Or how cold and uncaring people can be.

You use your coping mechanisms when you need to. There are very horribly frightening and excruciatingly painful times when coping mechanisms are all we have.

Have you given any more thought to seeking outside help?

If not, I understand. For all I know you've been down that road. Maybe you've been down that road many times.

 

[VivantMort]

Hi…

thank you. I guess I could try to make a new one. God… it is… I feel so done with it all. I lost my family, my baby girl doesn't live with me because I can't even financially take care of myself, let alone her. I lost the love of my life. I feel like my world is just crumbling around me. I've lost so many people and as pathetic as this sounds I just… fuck, I'd kill for just a hug. I don't know, I feel so lost. You can do that here? I honestly didn't think anyone would reply…

{Hug} to you, ShatteredRose