Help Extremely dependent and lonely mother, what can I do?

[montanatype]

My mother only has me, she is schizophrenic, until a few years ago she suffered from seizures, she is depressed and very dependent on me, I really don't want to continue anymore, and living until she dies seems like torture to me (besides the fact that we are poor), I had planned to buy her a packet of nitrite and leave it at her hand, and when I make the suicide note, tell her where it is and what proportions she can take, or simply leave her a "ziploc" with that amount of her own, like, If I had a gun, I would most likely kill her and then commit suicide, but well, I don't have it, I don't know what she would do without me, she would possibly end up in an irrecoverable psychotic break, and in my country there is no good mental health care, the last time this happened, she was sexually abused by quite a few men who took advantage of her situation, the reality is that I don't want to continue anymore.

And leaving without leaving anything at hand or without ending her life myself would be condemning her, put yourself in my place when I say that I want to "kill her", would you like your mothers to end up in a psychotic outbreak, outside of their reality, in poverty and being abused by different men? I do not have the cold blood to kill her myself, and I do not have poison on hand, otherwise I would poison myself, and the reality is that the nitrite gives the person time to act alone...

She literally cries every day, there is no future, the situation is irreversible.

 

[flightless bird]

my mom attempted suicide three times after losing her kid (my little brother) to a genetic disease. the attempts left her with brain damage, liver damage, and other lasting harm. i had to care for her as she lost her mind and the ability to function normally. i think i understand what you're going through.

my advice: stay with her and take care of her no matter what. it's the only way you'll find peace. even if you hit your limit someday, you'll know you did everything you could.

 

[montanatype]

my mom attempted suicide three times after losing her kid (my little brother) to a genetic disease. the attempts left her with brain damage, liver damage, and other lasting harm. i had to care for her as she lost her mind and the ability to function normally. i think i understand what you're going through.

my advice: stay with her and take care of her no matter what. it's the only way you'll find peace. even if you hit your limit someday, you'll know you did everything you could.

I've been doing it for a decade and the truth is there's no more, I've already surpassed my limit, I can't even treat her with affection anymore, I just want to finish things, enough is enough, I'm not going to find peace in taking care of her, like, I've been doing it for a decade, it's not like I haven't broken my head thinking, like, there is no future, but I'm already tired and I can only continue

yeah, ik, until I can't do it anymore, but like, I can always do more, if you start thinking, the human being can always do more, what limits you from continuing?, the perception of oneself?, my perception of myself is erased with the passage of time, that's why I can't cry anymore, I'm detached from my self, like, I only exist in the present, if I explain myself, that way I think I'm being able to "live"

It's all sad, but everything could have been amended from the beginning if they raised her differently, if she made other decisions, the whole round of decisions that were made so that I am at this point writing this, you could say that "destiny" wanted me to be alive for this moment? Before, I could cry and cry to see her, and see our pathetic situation, now, I only see it from other people's eyes. like, distancing our situation

Well, thanks for the response, I know she did what she could, I don't regret being born, but, my plan is still to have everything prepared just in case, the note, her nitrite in its place, and everything

 

[flightless bird]

I've been doing it for a decade and the truth is there's no more, I've already surpassed my limit, I can't even treat her with affection anymore, I just want to finish things, enough is enough, I'm not going to find peace in taking care of her, like, I've been doing it for a decade, it's not like I haven't broken my head thinking, like, there is no future, but I'm already tired and I can only continue

yeah, ik, until I can't do it anymore, but like, I can always do more, if you start thinking, the human being can always do more, what limits you from continuing?, the perception of oneself?, my perception of myself is erased with the passage of time, that's why I can't cry anymore, I'm detached from my self, like, I only exist in the present, if I explain myself, that way I think I'm being able to "live"

It's all sad, but everything could have been amended from the beginning if they raised her differently, if she made other decisions, the whole round of decisions that were made so that I am at this point writing this, you could say that "destiny" wanted me to be alive for this moment? Before, I could cry and cry to see her, and see our pathetic situation, now, I only see it from other people's eyes. like, distancing our situation

Well, thanks for the response, I know she did what she could, I don't regret being born, but, my plan is still to have everything prepared just in case, the note, her nitrite in its place, and everything

i wish you and your mom the best possible outcome, from the bottom of my heart.

 

[Nothing Left]

I know what it's like to be an unwilling caregiver.

It's very depressing and the burn out basically sucks out every ounce of energy and drive that you have.

If it were me, I'd probably stick around until my mother's death, just to make sure she gets laid to rest and everything, and then take myself out later.

But if you just can't take it anymore, I totally understand.

Have you discussed suicide plans with your mother before?

Maybe she can ingest it herself before you leave.

 

[JesiBel]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I completely understand, as I'm in a similar situation. It's physically and psychologically draining to live like this.

I'm just as stuck as you. I know our situation is complicated. It seems hopeless. I've thought about all those things too, and even if I had a gun, I don't think I'd be capable of killing my mother.

It's unfair that the system doesn't help people and abandons them to their fate, and even worse that there are lunatics who take advantage of and abuse the weakest.

You are very strong and brave to face the whole situation alone. And you are very empathetic for still thinking about the well-being of others. My post isn't much use. I can only hug you virtually and hope that somehow we can be free someday.

 

[Hollowman]

Sorry about all that. I can highly realate with the loss of self. It's hell.

 

[whywere]

I 2nd what @flightless bird said in his/her post.

They communicated it so perfectly.

You have my heart, blessing, and prayers to/for both you and your mom.

This is one of the reasons that SaSu is here, to help each other out and huge hugs and love to the both of you.

We ALL stand together as one.

Walter

 

[bankai]

It makes sense . you suffered a lot no doubt,I'm very sorry.for you and your mother.

I don't think you came to this decision lightly.I hope you find peace OP.

 

[theboy]

Do you have a family member to help you?

 

[montanatype]

Do you have a family member to help you?

my father, but he doesn't care so much about us

 

[dontwakemeup]

I want to acknowledge your pain and exhaustion with being forced to care for you mom. I'm sorry. This may not help but try to put yourself in her shoes. That dx is a very challenging one for her and you.
Do you have any family that can help you to give you a break sometimes? It seems like your life is on hold for her. Are you in the US? We have a ton of Nursing homes, maybe that's an option? I think I'm more worried about you than her because it sounds like you've reached your limit.

 

[montanatype]

I want to acknowledge your pain and exhaustion with being forced to care for you mom. I'm sorry. This may not help but try to put yourself in her shoes. That dx is a very challenging one for her and you.
Do you have any family that can help you to give you a break sometimes? It seems like your life is on hold for her. Are you in the US? We have a ton of Nursing homes, maybe that's an option? I think I'm more worried about you than her because it sounds like you've reached your limit.

Nah, I live in a third world country, I don't have anyone to help me, I don't have a job and if I get one it will probably be poorly paid (I wouldn't be able to afford a Nursing Home) plus + I don't think she agrees with the option + the psychiatric hospitals are of poor quality and sometimes the caretakers there abuse the patients, LOL, I guess I just have to wait

 

[theboy]

my father, but he doesn't care so much about us

You have to make him
It is also the responsibility and he cannot "disconnect". It is a legal issue as a role

 

[montanatype]

You have to make him
It is also the responsibility and he cannot "disconnect". It is a legal issue as a role

They never got married or anything so... sometimes he gives me a little money if I ask him, or a little food, like, I don't like to ask him a lot, since it's mainly because of him that we are like this, and he only gives me like about 50-60 dollars a month at most? XD