Venting extensive vent about being alone :-D

[chopinkms]

I feel so sick when I think about continuing to grow or even just living. People are either in love with me or despise me and I can't really figure out why. I'm admittedly complex and manipulative, but the thing is people will be alllllll for supporting people with mental health until its ASPD, NPD, schizophrenia etc
. I don't know what to do, the only person who would ever be willing to understand me beyond what I display, my dad, is dead and all of my friends whom I showered with love have all ostracised me for being 'narcissistic', my mother said it herself that "nobody will ever be able to accompany or equally stimulate my 'intelligence' and neither will they ever realise that my happy-go-lucky personality is a complete lie"; she had said it as if it were a compliment, but no?? its?? not?? I feel so terrible, so so so terrible and so alone and to think that I will never be able to interact deeply and lovingly human-to-human hurts me so much.
I just want my dad back or something close enough to that, i'm not sure. I mean, just today I was sitting at a café with my mother and my stepdad and we were discussing the fact that I was moving schools. When I had talked about my 'game plan' to befriending specific people adhered to their liking, she had asked me "can't you just be yourself?" and once again I felt misunderstood and alone.
The only reason I haven't CTB yet is because I'm waiting for literally anything that can comfort my true loneliness and unravel my real intent, but even as I type that it sounds ridiculous so I may as well hurry up with the resources, there's no point to any of this other than to what? heat up the earth with our combined populations so that we can make way for something greater? i'd rather be compost than live knowing nobody will ever take a good look at me and go 'wait a minute, you're not actually a dumb, self-loving, comical person! wwwwow you're kind of fucked up, aren't you?'.
I really just don't know what to do now; who do I talk to? I can't be picky, and i'm not - I have no options, just myself as it always has been - to be fair.
Actually, in truth, I don't know whether this is all in vain or simply selfish, but I think I should do things for myself once in a while, even if said personal gift is CTB.
I browse lists of reasons to keep living and it's always "sunsets, sunrises, cool storms" blah blah blah, but what really is the point in appreciating those views if the very thing they symbolise is impossible for me.
wow, I just feel so sick, where can i go with this? what's next? nothing, nothing and nothing againnnnn okay I'm done venting <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 sorry x if you saw this n o you didn't

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have plenty of compassion for people who have narcissistic behaviors, it's just that, because they're manipulative, it's not safe to be around them. So from my perspective, what you're asking is like a scorpion wishing someone would get close enough to see inside them and just pet them. You gotta get rid of the poisonous pincer first, which means you'll have to deal with being vulnerable.

Would you like some tools for that?

 

[timeisnigh]

@GoodPersonEffed I'm too lazy to find it from my phone, but there's the parable about the spider/scorpion wanting a ride across a body of water. It stings the animal that helps it, killing them both, with some "what did you expect?" quip as last words

I'm with you: good to be there for others, gonna look out for @timeisnigh first and foremost

 

[SoIntoYou]

I feel so sick when I think about continuing to grow or even just living. People are either in love with me or despise me and I can't really figure out why. I'm admittedly complex and manipulative, but the thing is people will be alllllll for supporting people with mental health until its ASPD, NPD, schizophrenia etc
. I don't know what to do, the only person who would ever be willing to understand me beyond what I display, my dad, is dead and all of my friends whom I showered with love have all ostracised me for being 'narcissistic', my mother said it herself that "nobody will ever be able to accompany or equally stimulate my 'intelligence' and neither will they ever realise that my happy-go-lucky personality is a complete lie"; she had said it as if it were a compliment, but no?? its?? not?? I feel so terrible, so so so terrible and so alone and to think that I will never be able to interact deeply and lovingly human-to-human hurts me so much.
I just want my dad back or something close enough to that, i'm not sure. I mean, just today I was sitting at a café with my mother and my stepdad and we were discussing the fact that I was moving schools. When I had talked about my 'game plan' to befriending specific people adhered to their liking, she had asked me "can't you just be yourself?" and once again I felt misunderstood and alone.
The only reason I haven't CTB yet is because I'm waiting for literally anything that can comfort my true loneliness and unravel my real intent, but even as I type that it sounds ridiculous so I may as well hurry up with the resources, there's no point to any of this other than to what? heat up the earth with our combined populations so that we can make way for something greater? i'd rather be compost than live knowing nobody will ever take a good look at me and go 'wait a minute, you're not actually a dumb, self-loving, comical person! wwwwow you're kind of fucked up, aren't you?'.
I really just don't know what to do now; who do I talk to? I can't be picky, and i'm not - I have no options, just myself as it always has been - to be fair.
Actually, in truth, I don't know whether this is all in vain or simply selfish, but I think I should do things for myself once in a while, even if said personal gift is CTB.
I browse lists of reasons to keep living and it's always "sunsets, sunrises, cool storms" blah blah blah, but what really is the point in appreciating those views if the very thing they symbolise is impossible for me.
wow, I just feel so sick, where can i go with this? what's next? nothing, nothing and nothing againnnnn okay I'm done venting <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 sorry x if you saw this n o you didn't

Do you have anything more to say about yourself? I feel like you're holding back for the sake a brevity. I'd love to hear it.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

hey i totally understand. i have psychopathic traits and the second people hear that, they run for the hills. i don't like hurting people but its hard to avoid. i really want to be close to people but at this point its just not a possibility...