Today I started my new job as a peer leader and it went horribly. I'm vision impaired and I couldn't even see the computer screen that my classroom had. I didn't prepare very well which was my fault, and so I stuttered through the entire lesson and had tons of technical difficulties. A student made a joke about how slow I typed and asked if it's because I can't see, and everyone laughed. I think I confused the students since they couldn't answer any of my questions and kept going "huh??" when I explained things
I also went to the doctor's today and everyone was so mean, all the staff seemed annoyed that I was unsure what I needed (i needed to get my labs to start meds, I went to my school's clinic because i live far and dont have a gp anyways). The doctor made a joke that my social anxiety probably only got worse with the whole covid situation. She also made comments about me not ever being sexually active and not going outside that much. I felt like a total joke and so uncomfortable.
Every time I do an exposure or try to do something difficult, it goes really badly. I can't even "reframe" it as being anxiety thinking, because it's objectively bad, like how crying during presentations is bad (which ive done many many times)
There are many times where I do my best but it still goes badly, because of the way others treat me which makes me more nervous and withdrawn. What's the point in living like this? It's not like I'm not trying. I put myself out there and make an effort and it goes horribly. How do normal people live in a world this shitty? Why are people even mean in the first place, what's the point in living in fear and worry all the time?
The worst part is that I can't reason out of it like 'oh but if you got the job you cant be incompetent' or 'if you can go to the doctor at all its a good thing.' Firstly, I'm an almost 22-year old woman, I can't be behaving like this because it's strange and not normal. Secondly, I do get that lucky with things. Like the way I got my jobs have been because teachers knew me and recommended me. Plus with this peer leader job, all the interviews were online, so it was way easier for someone to do well. My recommending professor also never met me in person or even in office hours, we spoke exclusively through email.
I'm tired. I can't wait to kill myself. Hopefully God accepts me into heaven.
I also went to the doctor's today and everyone was so mean, all the staff seemed annoyed that I was unsure what I needed (i needed to get my labs to start meds, I went to my school's clinic because i live far and dont have a gp anyways). The doctor made a joke that my social anxiety probably only got worse with the whole covid situation. She also made comments about me not ever being sexually active and not going outside that much. I felt like a total joke and so uncomfortable.
Every time I do an exposure or try to do something difficult, it goes really badly. I can't even "reframe" it as being anxiety thinking, because it's objectively bad, like how crying during presentations is bad (which ive done many many times)
There are many times where I do my best but it still goes badly, because of the way others treat me which makes me more nervous and withdrawn. What's the point in living like this? It's not like I'm not trying. I put myself out there and make an effort and it goes horribly. How do normal people live in a world this shitty? Why are people even mean in the first place, what's the point in living in fear and worry all the time?
The worst part is that I can't reason out of it like 'oh but if you got the job you cant be incompetent' or 'if you can go to the doctor at all its a good thing.' Firstly, I'm an almost 22-year old woman, I can't be behaving like this because it's strange and not normal. Secondly, I do get that lucky with things. Like the way I got my jobs have been because teachers knew me and recommended me. Plus with this peer leader job, all the interviews were online, so it was way easier for someone to do well. My recommending professor also never met me in person or even in office hours, we spoke exclusively through email.
I'm tired. I can't wait to kill myself. Hopefully God accepts me into heaven.
