Discussion Experiences that have contributed to your decision to CTB

[almaranthine]

Feel free to share your checklist of experiences in life that have all compounded one on top of another and either directly or indirectly contributed to your desire/decision to commit suicide.

My personal Life is Fucked bulletpoint list:
* Raped (multiple times)
* Sexually abused
* Arrested (not convicted)
* Handcuffed and forcibly restrained (multiple times)
* Forced to have sex against my will and impregnated
*Abortion
* Car accidents with near death experiences
* Apartment broken into (possessions destroyed by unhinged person)
* involuntarily sectioned (3 times)
* becoming psychotic/manic with no grasp of reality (too many times)
* physically assaulted and beaten (ER visit required)
* failed college because of trauma and untreated mental issues
*failed suicide attempt
* never had more than 10k to my name (USD) been broke almost homeless too many times to count
*never had a legitimate romantic relationship that wasn't abusive
* no lasting friendships
*pet stolen (cat I had 4yrs)

I can only see it getting worse from here. I'm 27 and can't recall a single year of my adult life that wasn't marred by multiple terrible experiences or deep despondent depression.

 

[Hirokami]

-Parents constantly argued
-Father was a serial alcoholic
Couldn't form a better relationship with him because of that
-Getting bullied in school
-Got groomed on the internet when I was a teen
And the courts somehow blamed us (me and my parents) rather than the groomer; he got away scot-free
-Parents struggling to accept my sexual orientation, forcing me to move out with my abuser
-Speaking of: been in an abusive relationship for almost a decade
-Was cheated on numerous times
-Was sexually assaulted
-Unable to make friends
-At risk of losing the one semi-decent relationship I've been in due to toxic people not wanting me to be happy (and these are people I can't easily get out of my life, too)

And, of course, my crippling anxiety disorder that makes everything a lot worse.

 

[almaranthine]

-Parents constantly argued
-Father was a serial alcoholic
Couldn't form a better relationship with him because of that
-Getting bullied in school
-Got groomed on the internet when I was a teen
And the courts somehow blamed us (me and my parents) rather than the groomer; he got away scot-free
-Parents struggling to accept my sexual orientation, forcing me to move out with my abuser
-Speaking of: been in an abusive relationship for almost a decade
-Was cheated on numerous times
-Was sexually assaulted
-Unable to make friends
-At risk of losing the one semi-decent relationship I've been in due to toxic people not wanting me to be happy (and these are people I can't easily get out of my life, too)

And, of course, my crippling anxiety disorder that makes everything a lot worse.

My mom let me move out with an abusive partner *twice* and it was the same person. The second time it was either be homeless in my car or "try again" with ex abusive partner. He had my pets (2 cats) so I convinced myself to go back... at least make sure they were taken care of. He made himself out to be recovered but still turned out to be a violent alcoholic and forced me to have sex and eventually ended up trying to beat me to death. So, I feel you there. People tend to ask: why would you live with that person to begin with?? How could you go back?? Well, I didn't consider my life lasting long if I lived in the car... so I tried to resolve with them/deal with them the first go around. I had no other means to live. I got to the point, living with my mom where I had 10k saved and a stable job and I was still rejected for an apartment... the only reason I "have" an apartment now is because the ex was arrested and not allowed by law to live here. I'm going to run out of money soon, so I'm led to finally buy that SN as I intended.

 

[lionetta12]

Feel free to share your checklist of experiences in life that have all compounded one on top of another and either directly or indirectly contributed to your desire/decision to commit suicide.

My personal Life is Fucked bulletpoint list:
* Raped (multiple times)
* Sexually abused
* Arrested (not convicted)
* Handcuffed and forcibly restrained (multiple times)
* Forced to have sex against my will and impregnated
*Abortion
* Car accidents with near death experiences
* Apartment broken into (possessions destroyed by unhinged person)
* involuntarily sectioned (3 times)
* becoming psychotic/manic with no grasp of reality (too many times)
* physically assaulted and beaten (ER visit required)
* failed college because of trauma and untreated mental issues
*failed suicide attempt
* never had more than 10k to my name (USD) been broke almost homeless too many times to count
*never had a legitimate romantic relationship that wasn't abusive
* no lasting friendships
*pet stolen (cat I had 4yrs)

I can only see it getting worse from here. I'm 27 and can't recall a single year of my adult life that wasn't marred by multiple terrible experiences or deep despondent depression.

I was considering making a list like this during this upcoming week to help remove SI.

 

[noalarms]

I am fortunate in that I have never experienced any of these things.

My decision to CTB has very little to do with adverse life events, and has far more to do with the fact that I will drop out of college if I don't CTB soon. I also have no friends, and have only ever had two lasting friendships in my entire life. I have no skills and there is very little chance of me learning a trade due to what I consider to be an moderate undiagnosed motor disorder. Essentially, I have no prospects, and will be dependent on my family well into my 30s. These reasons seem pretty trivial compared to other responses in this thread, but they are enough for me to have thought about CTB for the past 5 years.

 

[almaranthine]

I was considering making a list like this during this upcoming week to help remove SI.

Yes, I have been feeling bad about "leaving" my mom behind. I grabbed a beer and started really thinking about the last 10 years and how truly fucked I've been. To counter all of these negative experiences I have *no* genuine positive ones to counter them with. I went through my memories remembering all of this shit... if nothing good has happened as of now, I don't think it will.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just everything in life that has made me want to be gone. Simply being conscious and having to experience things makes me want to die. Being trapped in this human body, having the same thoughts, the fact that suicide is difficult. I have a problem with life itself and everything in this world is tiring to me. There is nothing that could ever make it worthwhile me being here.

I am simply not meant for this world in every single way and I see no point to being alive. I've always preferred the sound of non existence. Existence is so horrifying and cruel, I think it's more rational to want to leave. I hate the thought of ageing. I see suffering as being something bad and something to be avoided. I've never wanted to live and could never do. Wanting to die is a state of mind for me. Being alive just feels so wrong.

 

[akirat9]

I summary as:
2020 incident
2021 incident
2021 start something new
2022 start of incompletion and full circle limbo of despair

2012 - 2018 was oK, before moving, but still have CTB ideology
something i not talk about because too painful. I submit to repression

 

[Conker]

These realms aren't Earth, nothing is worth being here. Exhausting, its not even a fun prison to make matters worse. I wish there was something to miss.

 

[makethepainstop]

Well you did ask, at 4 years old mom divorces my dad. Dad went on to have a military career, became field rep for Raytheon in Europe of decades. Made a fortune. Dad and his family never even sent me a damn Christmas or birthday card, my whole life. At twelve I asked mom why dad and his family never contact me. Mom tells me they don't want you. Mom marries a psychotic alcoholic. (My woes increased exponentially and dramatically). Said nutcase decides to take the family on a truck route with him....Oh my dear God have mercy. Bad idea! So now I get to see America from the sleeper cab of a semi! If I hadn't been 5.5 years old I might have ctb then, if I'd had ways and means. Well we finally stop at a hotel, the amusement never ends. This psycho asshole then takes all and I do mean all of his clothes off. Announcing loudly that he is a nudist, and he'll "Paste anyone in the mouth who says anything about it!" At 5.5 years old I didn't know what a nudist was, but I had my suspicions that it was some form of severe untreated or untreatable mental illness. I there and then resolved that I should never be one. Much to my dismay I discovered that no one had packed my pyjamas, I asked what should I sleep in?!! Asshole step dad screams at me I don't give a fuck what you sleep in, sleep in the raw! Such a kind man a real father figure for a five year old boy. I did take some small revenge, I turned the do not disturb sign to make up room. When the maid knocked on the door, psycho step dad answered the door completely nude. I had no idea that a black lady maid could scream in such high octaves. A small victory. Now this psycho ass and mom bought a small home, but at least then this ass would wear undershorts. Then they got divorced,(proof there s a God). This ass of a step dad used to call the police and tell them their had been a shooting at Mom's house. 2/ 4 AM cops and ambulances every where. Loved waking up to that. Then there was the time that fool was running around with a shot gun screaming he was gonna kill mom, me and my 1/2 sister his daughter. Such a lovely man! Nevermind school bullying, financial distress..... Now as I'm old heart problems, dental problems, money problems, bitch half sister runs off my boyfriend twice, my niece is about stupid, neither of them will work......I'm tired of fixing things for stupid lazy people. CTB is the only thing for me, I will never work so that someone else can sit on their ass all day....like the last three years, just mooching right along! Come on us mail need my sn yesterday!

 

[SeeminglyFine]

Severe ADD and probably depersonalization too.
Undiagnosed physical ilness, probably caused by depression, cant eat much without feeling sick and tired, extremely thin, no energy to do anything let alone finance myself.
Constant rumination and and vividly imagining suicide all day.
Guilt for being financially dependant on parents.
Failed surgieries.
Attempted suicide, followed by a panic attack and currently presenting PTSD symptoms.
Physically hurt myself just so il be more motivated to ctb, now in constant permanent pain and dysfunction.
Seeing me causes people pain because im a shell of the person i used to be.
Constantly addicted to something.
No desires, no passion, no joy, the only joy i get is from relieving my pain, physical or mental.