Discussion Existentialism, thoughts of death at a young age

[BodaFly]

Anyone else always had a weird relationship with spirituality and death? From as early as I can remember I was getting all existential about life and what comes after for no discernible reason, just one of those people that turn sad awfully young. It's like I had this gut feeling that I will be leaving by means of ctb, the actual ideation around it started around 11 years old. Now the eve may finally be here and I feel as if it was somehow meant to be this way. Like I was meant to be this temporal entity that becomes an ephemeral memory for people. I was always kind, a good kid, a good student, though never quite living up to my potential as one and frustrating teachers and parents alike. At some point I must've subconsciously realized that the cards are stacked against me, that something isn't sitting right.
I have a lot of personal theories around that but what about everyone else here? Am I making sense or just rambling?

"Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I'm one of them."
― Ray Bradbury

 

[cscott]

I wouldn't say I knew for certain but I feel like somewhere within me I did know. Duality .. cause I've always been on a quest for truth .. and I was suicidal at 18 or so and felt super trapped and wanted out and that took me to go deeper in the rabbit hole of life andat one point I had a moment of thinking I'd found myself and I could save the world with sharing knowledge and then boom a couple years later I fell right back into suicide or depression if u call it that.. only for this time to realise it's not going & I ac am ready to ctb now.. it's like all my life I knew somehweee deep down no matter what I followed or try to subscribe to that this life is meaningless an it's an illusion to be let go of in the end. Death is ac life & life is ac death. Cause this life is limited and to be limited is to be dead ac so I wanna be limitless so I ac want death.

But sometimes it's very hard to comprehend this is the ultimate and I have to be the one to do. Even though at the same time I'm aware this body isn't the realist me it's just a projection.. and I've always funnily enough said stuff like I never wanted to bring up kids if I had them aha or that I would rather die then work. I never listened in school, was a rebel in everything. I've never really cared about shit here or connecting with family deeply.

It's like I've always rebelled against life cause I ultimately knew death will win in the end