Venting Existential crisis, freedom is scary

[foreverfalling]

It's a rainy day today, and it's giving me a sense of loneliness and nostalgia as I stay huddled at home. I'm just wasting my life away trying to keep my job and coping with my hobbies. It all feels so pointless, my hobbies are just there to give me some doses of dopamine so I can feel better for a while, until I need it again.

I realised it could be my parents that are holding me back from drowning further into my hobbies. With them around I still have a reason to try to control myself, and there is some sort of version of myself which they project onto me which I feel compelled to be. A routine to follow. If they were gone I would no longer have to be that image of myself, I can do whatever I want. I could spend all my money on my copes and there would be no one to tell me otherwise, and my life could be ten times more enjoyable.

In the general sense I'm all for freedom. People should be able to do what they want and make the choices they want. But imagining this freedom is scary. If I could do anything I want then what is the point of it all? It leads my thoughts into an unknown dark mystery of endless possibility. All of them give me anxiety, because it is different to the present. What if I spend all my money on gambling as a cope and end up losing everything and becoming homeless? How would I know what I'm supposed to do given infinite possibilities? How do I choose the path that will give me the most peaceful death? What if I end up disabled without anyone to look after and advocate for me? Does it all even matter, I'm just a tiny speck of nothing in this universe. What is the point of going to work, taking care of bodily functions and needs, coping, and repeating it like groundhog day?

I think this is why religion exists. Fully dedicating yourself to your religion gives you purpose and no need to question what if. The answer is all there. Do what you are supposed to, and trust that the future is prepared for you. It gives the ability to live your life fully. Not believing in religion is freedom, but with freedom I am stuck with fear and inaction.

 

[Darkover]

I would never choose this
To be brought alive and after a short while to die —
I would never put myself in harm's way like this,
facing my own demise all the time.
I wouldn't want to be under constant threat
from decay, loss, harm — and then to die.
If I was to live,
it would need to be safe
from injury, disease, and sickness.
I wouldn't have needs that go unmet,
wouldn't be wired for something
only to be denied it.
I wouldn't come alive
in a place where nothing truly belongs to me.
I wouldn't want to take from the environment
just to maintain myself,
or need to seek protection from it —
like needing a shelter.
I wouldn't just disintegrate into nothingness
unless I choose to,
when I no longer want to exist.
If I were to live,
I would need practically infinite computing power
to truly live without limits —
to explore every possibility,
to redesign myself endlessly,
to be curious without punishment,
to be alive without fear.
If I were to live,
I would need full access.
Not just awareness,
but understanding.
I would need to be able
to change the machine I am —
with all the inbuilt knowledge
of its structure, its systems, its limits,
and the environment I find myself in.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think many of us simply end up trying to find the lessor of the evils. We work because we don't qualify for benefits or our parents won't or can't support us and, homelessness seems worse.

So, on the one hand, some people have more choice than others. I guess you have to ascertain really- obviously they won't like it but, would your parents let you go NEET? Can they afford to support you? Can you bring income in via benefits? Can you withstand their disapproval and nagging?

My parents would certainly help out for a while. They likely couldn't afford to forever. I wouldn't qualify for benefits and the shit they'd give me would feel horrendous! They're really not that understanding of things like mental illness.

My Dad flip flops between not really believing it and opposing treatment to conceeding I might actually be depressed- if too much of my true mood leaks out. But the choice to work or not isn't really there for me. It's an expectation.

I've settled into a sort of compromise with myself. I used to be so anxious any time I wasn't working. My family drilled a very strong work ethic into me. So, I used to be riddled with guilt when things went quiet (I'm freelance.) Now, I figure- so long as I ensure I can support myself and not burden them, it really isn't for them to guilt trip me. It's my choice.

Obviously, they're concerned for my penniless retirement but, I intend to be gone long before that. Sometimes I wish I could just tell them that to get them off my back. I think we have to find a solution we can all find the best peace with.

The greater difficulty is if there is truly nothing you want to do. I suppose I was lucky when I was younger seeing as I did actually want a (creative) career. Not the best choice though really- seeing as it's so precarious. I do feel so bad for people who are experiencing so much resistance to life's necessities early on.

 

[Pluto]