So, I don't know that I will benefit from it, but I talk about this kind of shit to my parents and my psychiatrist all the time (minus saying I want to kill myself), so I figured why not shed light on the latest of my problems on here for a change, if anyone wants to listen/respond. Actually, not too long before I tried to kill myself last time, I made a long post on suicideforum.com, but naturally all I got was a bunch of people arguing against all my points. I'm not planning a suicide now per se, though... I just want to talk. Maybe someone can empathize.
It would probably help if I prefaced this with the fact that throughout my life I've developed an unhealthy fixation on my brother, and everything he thinks and says. I grew up idolizing him, thinking he knew everything about everything, even thinking he had supernatural powers when I was young (he talked like he did. He's not a bad guy, but he is arrogant and likes to confuse people.) Nobody knew I had high functioning autism until recently, either (I'm 32). And now, long story short, no matter how I try to tell myself rationally, I inherently believe everything he says even now, which causes me anxiety and confusion whenever he says something I disagree with.
According to my psychiatrist, I have low self esteem. That's not to say that I think I'm a bad person, or that I think I'm worthless, but basically what I already knew, which is that I have very little confidence in my own ideas. Whenever they're challenged, I constantly feel the need to have my opinions validated by other people, especially if it's by my brother. I have strong identity issues; I tend to have a very difficult time forming my own opinions about things on my own. I constantly look to other people to enlighten me, as such, in terms of how I should feel about things. At least, I have done this a lot throughout my life.
Nowadays, it seems like so, so many different philosophical, ethical, political, etc. ideas are coming from people all over the world, constantly. You see them on T.V., on the internet, talking in public, EVERYWHERE. Lot's of ideas, and lot's of radical ideas too. It feels like there's so many ideas if I try to think about them anymore my head will explode. I can't make sense of the world; it's too confusing. So I try as hard as I can now not to think about things in general, and just occupy my mind by attempting to entertain myself.
Recently, my brother invited me to have a conversation with him recently because he wanted to try to help me, due to the fact that I've been dealing with one of the worst depressions of my life over the last month (incidentally, as a result of the -last- serious conversation with him). Here's some things that I already knew: He doesn't believe in right or wrong, or good or evil, at all. he basically believes everything in the world is subjective. He may or may not believe in God. Having said all that, I've been working for a long time, with my psychiatrist and on my own, to strengthen my aforementioned problems about depending on other people to reinforce my opinions, and to increase my own self esteem and self confidence.
Now, after this last conversation, I feel like my problems have been elevated to a new level. After some back and forths relating to various things that were bothering me, my brother basically summed up his worldview by saying that he doesn't even have opinions. He says he has some tendencies towards one viewpoint or another, but he believes in being completely open to everyone's viewpoint. He just tries to understand everyone's viewpoints, never actually coming to a point where he believes in something himself. He doesn't believe in anything! And I can't live like that. I can't operate like that. I've always believed in right and wrong, and good and evil, and had at opinions on various things.
The messed up part is, while my mind was wandering the other night, I realized that not just emotionally, but logically and rationally, It seems to me that his way of thinking is truly the ideal one. To me, that kind of mindset is like beyond human, almost godlike, and I've encountered it in a human being; him, of all goddamn people. That doesn't change the fact that I can't be like that. In fact, I think the way I've chosen to describe it reinforces that fact. I really can't cope with that kind of mindset. I mean, being open to and respecting other people's opinions, sure, I think every reasonable person at least tries to do that. But not -having- any opinions and not even believing in anything at all? It's unfathomable! I could never do it. I just couldn't cope with it. It fills me with anxiety just thinking about it... about all this.
I don't feel any worse than I did before, I don't think. I just felt better for a few days because talking to him made him seem so alien to me at first that I felt like it would become easier for me to reduce my fixation on him. But now it's as strong as ever. I'm such a disturbed soul. I wonder if anyone will even read all this, and if they do, I wonder if it will make sense. I wonder if anyone will have anything interesting or useful to say.
It would probably help if I prefaced this with the fact that throughout my life I've developed an unhealthy fixation on my brother, and everything he thinks and says. I grew up idolizing him, thinking he knew everything about everything, even thinking he had supernatural powers when I was young (he talked like he did. He's not a bad guy, but he is arrogant and likes to confuse people.) Nobody knew I had high functioning autism until recently, either (I'm 32). And now, long story short, no matter how I try to tell myself rationally, I inherently believe everything he says even now, which causes me anxiety and confusion whenever he says something I disagree with.
According to my psychiatrist, I have low self esteem. That's not to say that I think I'm a bad person, or that I think I'm worthless, but basically what I already knew, which is that I have very little confidence in my own ideas. Whenever they're challenged, I constantly feel the need to have my opinions validated by other people, especially if it's by my brother. I have strong identity issues; I tend to have a very difficult time forming my own opinions about things on my own. I constantly look to other people to enlighten me, as such, in terms of how I should feel about things. At least, I have done this a lot throughout my life.
Nowadays, it seems like so, so many different philosophical, ethical, political, etc. ideas are coming from people all over the world, constantly. You see them on T.V., on the internet, talking in public, EVERYWHERE. Lot's of ideas, and lot's of radical ideas too. It feels like there's so many ideas if I try to think about them anymore my head will explode. I can't make sense of the world; it's too confusing. So I try as hard as I can now not to think about things in general, and just occupy my mind by attempting to entertain myself.
Recently, my brother invited me to have a conversation with him recently because he wanted to try to help me, due to the fact that I've been dealing with one of the worst depressions of my life over the last month (incidentally, as a result of the -last- serious conversation with him). Here's some things that I already knew: He doesn't believe in right or wrong, or good or evil, at all. he basically believes everything in the world is subjective. He may or may not believe in God. Having said all that, I've been working for a long time, with my psychiatrist and on my own, to strengthen my aforementioned problems about depending on other people to reinforce my opinions, and to increase my own self esteem and self confidence.
Now, after this last conversation, I feel like my problems have been elevated to a new level. After some back and forths relating to various things that were bothering me, my brother basically summed up his worldview by saying that he doesn't even have opinions. He says he has some tendencies towards one viewpoint or another, but he believes in being completely open to everyone's viewpoint. He just tries to understand everyone's viewpoints, never actually coming to a point where he believes in something himself. He doesn't believe in anything! And I can't live like that. I can't operate like that. I've always believed in right and wrong, and good and evil, and had at opinions on various things.
The messed up part is, while my mind was wandering the other night, I realized that not just emotionally, but logically and rationally, It seems to me that his way of thinking is truly the ideal one. To me, that kind of mindset is like beyond human, almost godlike, and I've encountered it in a human being; him, of all goddamn people. That doesn't change the fact that I can't be like that. In fact, I think the way I've chosen to describe it reinforces that fact. I really can't cope with that kind of mindset. I mean, being open to and respecting other people's opinions, sure, I think every reasonable person at least tries to do that. But not -having- any opinions and not even believing in anything at all? It's unfathomable! I could never do it. I just couldn't cope with it. It fills me with anxiety just thinking about it... about all this.
I don't feel any worse than I did before, I don't think. I just felt better for a few days because talking to him made him seem so alien to me at first that I felt like it would become easier for me to reduce my fixation on him. But now it's as strong as ever. I'm such a disturbed soul. I wonder if anyone will even read all this, and if they do, I wonder if it will make sense. I wonder if anyone will have anything interesting or useful to say.
