existence is suffering

[CosmicPaperCut]

i want to do so many things in my life. i have 2 holidays booked this summer, im graduating uni, starting a new job and moving into my very own flat. on the surface im doing well but every night i feel inescapable sadness, a pit in my stomach, impending doom , that i cannot shake. i have bpd and i self harm severely, to the point where i had to get surgery a week ago. i could slit my wrists and just go, so easily. i know exactly how to do it. but survival instinct is a bitch. yes i have lovely friends n a lovely bf but i will live the rest of my life in this body and this mind which is unbearable to live in. i wish i could just do it.