Venting Existence is a very long-lasting sorrow

[Michelstaedter]

As a man, as a son, as a brother, as an uncle, and as a human being, I can confess that I have had many happy moments in my life, so many that I could make a movie full of good memories whose sensations I would want to relive again and again until I grew tired of them, and then erase my memories and relive them all... When I weigh up the sorrows, my sorrows and their sorrows, like those of the people in this place, there is no comparison and happiness turns out to be a pure illusion, a painful and sad illusion.

When I ask myself, "Why do we live? Why do people want to live?" it's because in the majority of the population there exists this desire to live, to see death or anything related to the desire to live as something. That's where there's a significant breaking point for me with respect to that other part of humanity that doesn't understand me, won't understand me, and won't try to understand me, beyond those who might feel compassion, affection, or simply that feeling that corresponds to mine regarding not being able to understand my desire to die and my wish to no longer be alive, to no longer feel appreciation for this world. From there I realize that our brain, our brain chemistry, our nervous system and all those substances that govern us are what could ultimately control us and could lead us to desire or despise life, a thin line between wanting to die and wanting to live to do so many things that in the end will be useless, because death will always be lurking, it will always be before us at some point in our painful existence, regardless of whether you love or hate life, whether you want to live or not, being the consolation for the latter.

Today I woke up with the desire to die, one of those days where everything is a reason to die and although a part of me clings to living, life takes care of bringing me slights of any kind in order to remind me that the authentic and true desire that governs my life is to die. Well, I've come to understand that although there are things that keep me alive, or have kept me alive up to this point, I've had this desire since I was a teenager, since I still cherished so many dreams, and with them I crashed into the painful existential sorrow of whether they were achieved or not. The disappointment is so bitter that it serves as a stark reminder of how painful existence is when it stands in the way of the ideal of "eternalizing" our desires as long as we are alive and try to find meaning in everything, just like those who in some way wanted to leave their mark, whether with music, art, or poetry, but who deep down were driven by the desperation of "not dying," no matter how much that bestial force pulls us towards the absolute nothingness that this vast universe will one day experience.

Sometimes I feel a certain disappointment, both my own and others', when I see posts on this site from someone who appears to be a girl, and many people pity her more than a boy or man expressing his discomfort, his pain, his sorrows. I might sound childish, but this observation makes me think that deep down, many people perhaps want to rekindle their desire to be with someone (romantically or sexually), even if it leads to further disappointment. I've felt it myself; I've had the desire to experience having a girlfriend, to feel loved, but also to be able to leave this world and thus mock life a little, dying happy to have been loved and not disappointed.

I've noticed this pattern in many forums, where men crave female affection so much that this site is no exception. Perhaps some don't wish to die; they simply wish to love and be loved... and live with that until the end... Some people just want to be loved.

 

[doomofman]

Mainlander was right, he was the radicalized version of Schopenhauer. You are correct most men are pussy beggars till the end. Desiring sex before the end is the negation of death and the affirmation of the will, if anything those people here are not suicidal but looking for desperate partners.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Mainlander was right, he was the radicalized version of Schopenhauer. You are correct most men are pussy beggars till the end. Desiring sex before the end is the negation of death and the affirmation of the will, if anything those people here are not suicidal but looking for desperate partners.

i agree consciously desiring anything in life is the negation of Death.

all of the pleasure addictions eating food , watching videos etc are sub addictions to the life addiction.

"i want to live to ... " fill in the blank " to watch that video, eat that food " etc.

i see these are along with the worst pain the wort nightmare are part of the same evil . the worst suffering wouldn't happen if eating food didn't feel good for example

 

[_Gollum_]

From there I realize that our brain, our brain chemistry, our nervous system and all those substances that govern us are what could ultimately control us and could lead us to desire or despise life

I've come to the same realization. In the end, I can hardly fault pro-lifers for their beliefs, because they are as much a slave to their brain chemicals as I am. I am simply lacking the wiring that they have that makes them feel like life has innate worth. My mood has changed over the course of my life, but looking back, I was never able to conceive of death as "bad"; it is just not in my genetic make up. And the opposite must be true for them, hence why they cannot understand me. Most don't even try, as you pointed out. They speak the language of life, and I speak the language of death. There is no way to translate, and so we can't communicate, and so people like us are condemned to exist on the sidelines.