Venting Exhausting my last options

[now_or_never]

I am 37 years old and I have a motivational disorder, possibly connected to 3 psychotic episodes I had in the last six years. I experience severe avolition. My days are spent just browsing the internet, I can't do much more. I am not necessarily suicidal, but I do feel that my life quality is very low compared to how it was a few years ago when I was able to live independently, cook, and take care of myself. Now I can't even watch a movie on my own, or play a video game.

I am enduring the days hoping that some medication will work on me, but I feel like I am exhausting my options. Lastly I have been trialing an antidepressant, which has had little effect on my lack of motivation. Since I live in Spain and here euthanasia has been approved, I hope that when I exhaust all my options, I could apply for it. However, I am not confident that my request will be approved. Being a new law, probably it will be reserved for the most severe cases, at least initially.

I still don't know how much longer I want to live under current circumstances, but if things don't improve and euthanasia fails, then the next option could be to apply in Switzerland, but for that I would need 10k EUR for voluntary assisted death. It's expensive, but I believe I could gather the money in about a year. Only after a failure there, I would consider ctb on my own.

And still, all this are not easy decisions. Sometimes I believe that my life is bearable. Just that. But is it enough to want to live it till the end? In my view it is not, but your opinion might be different.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be exhausting. I think if one has a low quality of life with no hope of improving, there is only so long they can carry on for. I wish you the best with what you decide to do, it is the thing I want the most, euthanasia, but it is hard to get approved.

 

[Smart No More]

You and I appear to have a very similar situation. My issue is different in as much as it isn't psychological in origin but the symptoms are similar. Though for me I have lost some memory and cognitive abilities and therefore find the simple things I once took for granted and even prided myself on being proficient with are now very challenging and unenjoyable. When you mentioned being unable to watch a film or play a video game it really struck a chord with me. That and being unable to perform menial daily tasks. I was so independant a year ago. No I'm not me anyore and I don't have any quality of life. I too hope for some kind of chemical solution that might fix whatever is inbalanced in me since falling ill but the hope is thin and I feel like a placeholder for my real self. I'm in limbo and really wish I could call and end to it all in the most ammicable way for everybody involved or get to work on getting better. Living in this grey half state, unable to do anything other than merely exist and nothing more is torture for me and my family. I worry that I'm getting a little too used to it and then I wonder if maybe that means I'm improving but then I'll be made painfully aware that this isn't the case when any number of daily occurances prove to be unusually challenging and unatural. That and the undeniable physical issues that have accompanied my illness. I really feel for you if you are living the way I am. If there is hope/possibility for improvement in your life, please grip it and pull firmly.If you have yor health and cognition you have something to work with. (Not that I assume to know anything about you of course. I respect that there is so much I am unaware of in your situaation!) It's just that I would give so much just be able to begin on a path of recovery to return to my previous quality of life. Particularly my cognition and digestion. I miss myself so much and the relationship I had with my loved ones. I'm a shadow of myself at best and I fear that I'm forgetting who I was.



Sorry to have gone on a bit. I really just wanted to say I identify with you. The rest sort of poured out.

 

[now_or_never]

You and I appear to have a very similar situation.

Indeed, we do have a very similar situation, and I'm very glad that you wrote your message. I'm also facing cognitive decline, it is hard for me to remember things and to react as quickly as I used to. Now I need to think a lot about what to say, and it makes social situations difficult. I also seem to have little to say, words don't come to my mouth easily, so yeah, I've have also become a shadow of my former self. I exist, but what for, it is something I don't know. No goals in life, no possibility of improving (so far), and just being there with my family, I feel like a burden specially to myself. If life is supposed to be enjoyed, this is no enjoyment at all, I struggle to find reasons to keep on living, even though many people around me want to encourage me telling me that "I have a good life". Definitely I don't, being alive like this gives me no reward, and I am not looking forward to more days, months, and years like this.... Like you, I also had a heavy decline in the last year, and now I am in standby. I also cling to any bit of hope, even if it seems to be disappearing with each passing day.

 

[alwaysSuffering]

I can relate so much. This has been my story for the last 10 years. It's steadily gone downhill. I used to be extremely active and now I rarely leave bed. I've seen so many doctors and specialists and tried so many meds and nothing helps. It just keeps getting progressively worse. I still "work" from home but I'm basically just flying under the radar and I know I'm living on borrowed time before they figure it out. I'm only able to do menial things like answer emails and simple things that don't require a lot of cognitive skills (despite having a high IQ). I've been trying to line things up, financially, so that I would be able to do an early medical retirement and go on disability. I was hoping to push myself for just a couple more years to get everything in place first but I just don't see how it will be possible. And I don't see what I have to look forward to. There is nothing about my life that I find enjoyable and I can't think of anything that could fix it anymore. I have been thinking about the Switzerland option, myself. I just don't see what the point is in continuing this suffering...

 

[now_or_never]

I can relate so much. This has been my story for the last 10 years. It's steadily gone downhill.

I'm sorry to hear this. It is a very harsh situation to be in, and when it lasts so long it is understandable to see death as a way out. I don't know what to say. My brother was very sick himself for over 10 years, and then he was lucky and he recovered mostly with proper medication that appeared in the 90s. It is possible that new medicines appear, but of course that is not necessarily true. He tells me that life is about growth, and that the pines in the mountain don't complain, they just grow and move forward. But I am not a plant. He is extremely optimistic and I can't relate to that. I would appreciate more support from my family with euthanasia or whatever option I consider the best for myself given my circumstances, specially considering that my thoughts are not colored by some "depressive mood", I just see reality as it is, and it sucks. However, this is not something I can discuss openly with them, because of their Christian roots and their worldview, they believe you have to live life until no longer possible. For me life is a disappointment, and I had my good years already, I lived fully with no regrets, and I am ready to go. If I try all possible medication, and it doesn't work, for me the message is quite clear. I just hope that when I am ready for the Swiss option that they don't reject me, that would be so bad. For now that is my only hope for a peaceful exit.

 

[SolomonKado]

Honestly I'd say look at

Suicide Resource Compilation

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sanctioned-suicide.net

Just to get all the information you can. This is a lot for any single person. It will help with any last second decisions. If it was easy then a lot of people who've been here for awhile would already have a lot more peace instead of continuing to torture themselves. I thought I was going to live forever until all things finally lined up and I have seen the final pattern of my life.. I made it till my 43'd birthday so that has to be for something..